The Phillie Phanatic takes out a gaggle of hot dog imposters, because that’s how he rolls. This has made the rest of my day happier. (via MLB.com)

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Hal Capone is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. Do more stuff like this, modern Conan. (via Cosby Sweaters)

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Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

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“Sorry, homeless people, your house isn’t gonna be ready on time. We let a giant bird help us and he mostly just f**ked around and put holes in the wall.”

Or, if you prefer:

The Phillie Phanatic came to 1450 Marston Street to help Habitat Philadelphia staff put the finishing touches on the home for the Marston Family! :)

I think the only thing I like writing about more than fake fighting and Kate Upton is the Phillie Phanatic, the undisputed king of mascots (suck it, Paws) and the only living-ish entity who can make me watch four minutes of someone pretending to hit their thumb with a hammer. If I could have one person build a home for me it would be the Phanatic, and I’d be happy living in a ramshackle hut put together by someone who for all intents and purposes does not have eyes.

Phanatic should take his homebuilding skills to ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’ and build somebody a room filled with nothing but bald guys who need their scalp rubbed with a towel and looked into like a mirror.

[h/t to Marty Cozzola]

This weekend was a busy one for me — attending Wrestlemania XXVIII, meeting Dave “Masked Man” Shoemaker from Grantland, trying to figure out what the sh*t a “Sun Pass” is — but one of the biggest highlights was attending Sunday’s exhibition game between the New York Yankees and the new look Miami Marlins in brand-spanking-new Marlins Park in Miami.

There’s been a lot of talk about the new stadium, mostly about how it cost too much to build and how they wanted a motorized nightmare machine in center. I got there early (on the same day as Wrestlemania, because I love to pay for parking) to take a few pictures and share the experience with you guys, because holy crap, if you think the fish machine is bad you haven’t seen everything else.

Take a look and let me know what you think. Worst case scenario, you’ll get to see a sweet Bobblehead Museum. And “Katherine”. Katherine was awesome.

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As regular readers of the site know, I have a deep, undying love for two things most people consider creepy or for babies — mascots and pro wrestling. To date, I am the only person in the world to have pictures with both Southpaw of the Lynchburg Hillcats and GHC Heavyweight Champion Takeshi Morishima.

So you might be able to figure out on your own that a video of a bunch of mascots having a battle royal outside of AT&T Park is extremely relevant to my interests and, at least to me, probably the funniest sh*t ever. It starts with Mr. Wrestling #4 being tasked to train “all of [my] favorite bay area mascots”, devotes a little time to beating up a fake Phillie Phanatic and makes me laugh against all better judgement at giant inflatable seal entering the ring to Puffy Daddy’s ‘Come With Me’. Watching Seal Zilla and the Crazy Crab try to navigate ring ropes is my new favorite thing.

The star of the match is primary Giants mascot Lou Seal, who pins the Phillie Faux-natic with a Superfly Splash from the top rope, unceremoniously dumps Lil’ Seal under the bottom rope and gorilla presses the Crazy Crab to the outside. He’s legitimately better at this than a lot of people making a living wrestling on television.

The only way this could’ve been better is if Dragon Dragon had shown up. Thank you for making my Thursday better, San Francisco Giants.

[h/t Peter Holby]

The best part of any sports mascot making national news is that I’ve probably got a picture with him.

That’s me on the right (in a Cliff Lee Indians shersey, if you need to place it) with Stomper, mascot of the Lake Erie Crushers, an independent minor league team in Lorain County, Ohio. In what I can only assume to be a terrible episode of “Saved By The Bell”, Stomper’s head has gone missing. The video, courtesy of the fine people at Sports Grid, details the full investigation launched to retrieve an enormous, custom-made plush bear head, and the real news is that the report is hilarious and unbelievably overblown.

The people interviewed don’t seem to care much (“uh, yeah, the head costs money, so”) but Fox News 8 breaks out the Mission: Impossible theme, provides a deep history of Stomper’s presence at the park and puts a passionate emphasis on how important his dancing has been to Lorain County. “You used to be able to see Stomper dancing here … but now you can’t.” This is easily the worst thing to happen to Minor League mascots since I couldn’t meet Dingbat of the Bristol White Sox because the kid who plays him was “at church”.

If you’re the type who might know where to find his “beautiful, furry face”, please contact the Lake Eerie Crushers. Also, what the hell is wrong with you?

[h/t Pete Holby]