Riding high after their come-from-behind NCLS victory over the St. Louis Cardinals, the San Francisco Giants were not supposed to be able to defeat Justin Verlander and the Detroit Tigers in Game 1 of the World Series. In fact, there were many sports writers and fans alike that believed that the Giants and their hot, scrappy bats wouldn’t even be able to score a run off of Verlander, who is arguably the greatest pitcher in the universe right now.

Of course, all of those people were wrong and Pablo Sandoval made history last night, as he joined Babe Ruth, Reggie Jackson and Albert Pujols as the only players to ever hit three home runs in one game in the World Series. Joe Morgan probably believes that he has, too, but we know better. As for his feat, the man they call Panda is humbled.

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This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

That’s Final Destination 3‘s tagline, because it is about a roller coaster that kills you. The roller coaster crash in that movie takes about nine minutes, making it the longest f**king roller coaster of all time.

Anyway, so arrives the third and final (until the sequel) installment of guest writer Bill Hanstock’s SFinal Destination series. We’ve spent seven-plus years portraying Giants fans as the butt of a horse, so hopefully this will catch on with San Fran Fans and open up a world of new ideas, such as the Giants dying in an airplane and the Giants dying on a freeway. In case you missed our updates on Friday, our updates yesterday AND today’s Morning Links, please read Part 1 and Part 2 before clicking through.

Then, click through. Today’s HAUNTING Dugout THRILLRIDE~ is after the jump.

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The San Francisco Giants are getting disabled!

“Baseball players getting injured” is a stalwart topic of conversation in the Official Chatroom Of Major League Baseball™ and the defending World Series champions are rewriting the book. To get an insider’s perspective on the series of unfortunate events befalling the Giants I went to Giants fan and California resident Bill Hanstock, the man who helped me out with The Dugout by Charles Bukowski. Bill’s inside information was “oh my god” and “what is happening”, so I asked him to fill in on today’s strip. Dugout Celebrity Guest Writer week continues (roughly bi-monthly for the rest of my life)!

After the jump, check out part one of SFinal Destination. Part 2 will be arriving shortly, and you’d think that’d be the end, but nope, five more sequels.

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“I now have this many strands of herpes”

Few people in all of baseball — hell, in all the world – have been paid so much to do so little as Giants pitcher Barry Zito, but this is way more astounding and unforgivable than the $14.5M he made last year to lead the NL in losses: he’s rumored to be dating… **burps up some vomit** … Paris Hilton.  People says:

Paris Hilton was all over San Francisco Giants’ baseball star Barry Zito at the grand opening of MyHouse, a new Hollywood nightspot. Whether it was drinking, hugging, whispering, laughing or holding hands, the two were focused only on each other – and Hilton looked really happy, a clubgoer tells us. The heiress flitted from table to table, chatting with fellow revelers like Tyson Beckford and Kim Kardashian, though she never left Zito’s side for too long.

As much as the name “Paris Hilton” sickens me to even type, I suppose this makes sense.  She’s gotta make Zito feel better about himself.  Him: “I dunno, the way I pitched last year, I’m not sure I earned my millions of dollars.”  Her: “What’s ‘earn’?”

With the NHL and NBA in the thick of their playoffs and several thousand more baseball games to play during the long, slow summer, MLB doesn't get much attention around here unless a player gets beaten with a helmet or a bat.  But Giants pitcher Barry Zito is that rare player who can suck so spectacularly with such a staggeringly rich contract that he can actually steal headlines from more exciting sports — simply by being awful.

Zito, whose 30th birthday is today, is 0-7 with a 6.58 ERA, and it's gotten to the point that he's heralded for notching no-decisions, as he did with six innings of seven-hit, three-run ball last night (the Giants still lost).

For Barry Zito, a no-decision became a positive thing—a sign of progress… Zito pitched scoreless ball into the fourth inning for the first time all season, and his signature curveball was effective once again in matching his longest outing of the year at six innings. He received a standing ovation— perhaps slightly sarcastic—after a 1-2-3 first inning in which he needed only 11 pitches.

Last year, I hated the Mariners for trotting out washed-up bag of shit Jeff Weaver to the mound every fifth day.  The one good thing was that Weaver made $8 million off of a one-year contract.  Zito's getting paid $126 million over seven years.  Only five and a half more years to go, San Francisco.  Savor this while it lasts.

[Rumors and Rants] 

3 people were injured at the FedEx Forum – home of the Memphis Grizzlies – when a section of the stands collapsed:

The incident happened about an hour before the 8 p.m. EDT tip-off as some of the Grizzlies were leaving the floor after the pregame shootaround. Fans were standing at the rail of the section leaning over seeking autographs from the players. The section collapsed to the aisle where the players leave the court, sending a handful of people falling about 3-5 feet to the concrete floor. Steve Zito, senior vice president of arena operations, said officials will study the accident and talk to witnesses about what happened. He said there have been no similar incidents this season at games or other events, and crews check the stands before the building opens. "This has surprised us," Zito said. "We're going to find out what happened and make sure it never happens again."

I agree it's surprising – why would anyone attend a Minnesota/ Memphis game? Anyway, people with the surname of Zito are masters of telling sports fans what they want to hear. For example, Barry Zito  indicated he would fare better this season than his disappointing 11-13, 4.53 ERA effort last year. Well, he's 0-3 with a 4.50 ERA so far this campaign. Seems like the same to me, but I predict he will enter even further depths of suckitude because he's on my fantasy team.

I hope you're enjoying the Sunday Night Baseball contest between, who's playing . . . the Yankees and Red Sox. I bet the Chief will have some comments on this match-up tomorrow morning because these teams hardly ever play each other. -KD