“I now have this many strands of herpes”

Few people in all of baseball — hell, in all the world – have been paid so much to do so little as Giants pitcher Barry Zito, but this is way more astounding and unforgivable than the $14.5M he made last year to lead the NL in losses: he’s rumored to be dating… **burps up some vomit** … Paris Hilton.  People says:

Paris Hilton was all over San Francisco Giants’ baseball star Barry Zito at the grand opening of MyHouse, a new Hollywood nightspot. Whether it was drinking, hugging, whispering, laughing or holding hands, the two were focused only on each other – and Hilton looked really happy, a clubgoer tells us. The heiress flitted from table to table, chatting with fellow revelers like Tyson Beckford and Kim Kardashian, though she never left Zito’s side for too long.

As much as the name “Paris Hilton” sickens me to even type, I suppose this makes sense.  She’s gotta make Zito feel better about himself.  Him: “I dunno, the way I pitched last year, I’m not sure I earned my millions of dollars.”  Her: “What’s ‘earn’?”

With the NHL and NBA in the thick of their playoffs and several thousand more baseball games to play during the long, slow summer, MLB doesn't get much attention around here unless a player gets beaten with a helmet or a bat.  But Giants pitcher Barry Zito is that rare player who can suck so spectacularly with such a staggeringly rich contract that he can actually steal headlines from more exciting sports — simply by being awful.

Zito, whose 30th birthday is today, is 0-7 with a 6.58 ERA, and it's gotten to the point that he's heralded for notching no-decisions, as he did with six innings of seven-hit, three-run ball last night (the Giants still lost).

For Barry Zito, a no-decision became a positive thing—a sign of progress… Zito pitched scoreless ball into the fourth inning for the first time all season, and his signature curveball was effective once again in matching his longest outing of the year at six innings. He received a standing ovation— perhaps slightly sarcastic—after a 1-2-3 first inning in which he needed only 11 pitches.

Last year, I hated the Mariners for trotting out washed-up bag of shit Jeff Weaver to the mound every fifth day.  The one good thing was that Weaver made $8 million off of a one-year contract.  Zito's getting paid $126 million over seven years.  Only five and a half more years to go, San Francisco.  Savor this while it lasts.

[Rumors and Rants] 

3 people were injured at the FedEx Forum - home of the Memphis Grizzlies - when a section of the stands collapsed:

The incident happened about an hour before the 8 p.m. EDT tip-off as some of the Grizzlies were leaving the floor after the pregame shootaround. Fans were standing at the rail of the section leaning over seeking autographs from the players. The section collapsed to the aisle where the players leave the court, sending a handful of people falling about 3-5 feet to the concrete floor. Steve Zito, senior vice president of arena operations, said officials will study the accident and talk to witnesses about what happened. He said there have been no similar incidents this season at games or other events, and crews check the stands before the building opens. "This has surprised us," Zito said. "We're going to find out what happened and make sure it never happens again."

I agree it's surprising - why would anyone attend a Minnesota/ Memphis game? Anyway, people with the surname of Zito are masters of telling sports fans what they want to hear. For example, Barry Zito  indicated he would fare better this season than his disappointing 11-13, 4.53 ERA effort last year. Well, he's 0-3 with a 4.50 ERA so far this campaign. Seems like the same to me, but I predict he will enter even further depths of suckitude because he's on my fantasy team.

I hope you're enjoying the Sunday Night Baseball contest between, who's playing . . . the Yankees and Red Sox. I bet the Chief will have some comments on this match-up tomorrow morning because these teams hardly ever play each other. -KD

So remember last year, when Barry Bonds dressed up as Paula Abdul and pretended not to be a dickface for an entire morning? Well, that was part of some spring training grabassery called "Giants Idol," and those wacky San Franciscans did it again this year. And I guess the person who gets to play Paula is the most overpaid person on the team, because Barry Zito played the role of Paula this year. And not very well, either:

[Zito] was a poor imitation of Bonds doing an imitation of Paula Abdul. The outfit was not nearly as impressive, he spoke in his own voice and didn't make much of an attempt to imitate Abdul's mannerisms. Last year Bonds had Paula's fake smile, was flirting with the contestants, flipping his hair, giving mostly rave reviews and even spoke in a falsetto voice to complete the impression. Zito did none of that.

Fucking piece of shit Barry Zito can't even do a decent Paula Abdul impression. You think for $126 million he might at least pretend to care about his work.

The Barry-Paula scandal, however, pales in comparison to the atrocity of the picture below, taken by Giants Jottings (via The Big Picture). Those people are Oscar Montero and Osiris Matos, alleged professional baseball players and now, lifelong nightmare fuel. My God.

Hilary Duff and Barry Zito were photographed leaving some chic, Hollywood nightspot recently.  While this will certainly be fodder for the celebrity rumor mongers and gossip rags, this coupling could not have come too soon for your assistant editor.  Why?  Quite simply they are both musical geniuses. 

From what I remember of an episode of This Week in Baseball, Zito plays guitar before every start to help him relax.  When asked if his talent helped with the ladies, he professed it was only a calming technique.  The dude had chops, and he is lefty.  He could be the next Jimi Hendrix or Kurt Cobain.  Or at least the next Bernie Williams.  Oh well, he will be receiving $126 million to waste his talent on the mounds of the National League this year.

Zito is good, but Hilary Duff will undoubtedly be remembered as the 21st century's W.A. Mozart.  From her first compositions on Lizzie McGuire to "Girl Can Rock" on her album Most Wanted, she has bucked convention, explored new avenues of musical expression, and shown that today's pop music industry can be more than a pretty face, a waif's body, and sub-par musicianship.

Surely this is the greatest pairing of guitar virtuosos since Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton sharpened their axes for The Yardbirds.   I can only hope that some sort of  "Sonny and Cher" type variety show is in the works. -KD

Alternative headline for this post: THE GIANTS ARE FINANCIAL GENIUSES. Even though any baseball fan/analyst can tell you that any kind of contract for a pitcher longer than four years is generally foolhardy, the Giants know what the fuck they're doing: they signed possibly-on-the-downslope curveballer Barry Zito for seven years and $126 million. It's the largest deal ever for a pitcher, and the math works out to about $18M a year, with incentives if he continues to play the guitar and nail B-list tramps like Alyssa Milano.*

I don't really have much to say about this deal. I mean, I guess it could work out for San Francisco. On the other hand, the Giants are paying Barry Bonds something like $14 million this year, so I'm not going to give them too much credit.

The important thing to focus on here is that Zito once dated Alyssa Milano. Or maybe he was just photographed with her, I don't know. Whatever. Who didn't want her to become exactly what she became after watching her in Who's the Boss? I think you know I'm talkin' about Embrace of the Vampire (link NSFW). Those were the golden days, my friends.

*I probably made that up.