Where have you gone, Mike LeValliere?

Last night, baseball fans witnessed a modern miracle as the Pittsburgh Pirates defeated the Houston Astros 5-1 to move 4 games over .500. Meanwhile, the Milwaukee Brewers lost to the Arizona Diamondbacks 7-3 to drop to just 3 games over .500, which means that the Pirates are now in second place in their division for the first time since 1992.

Of course, way back in 1992 – when most of your girlfriends weren’t even born yet – there were only two divisions in the National League, so it’s not as impressive that the Pirates are just 1.5 games back of the St. Louis Cardinals for first place in the NL Central. But hey, who am I to ruin the fun? Even if it’s just for today, this is a huge milestone for the Pirates, as the franchise has become the biggest loser in modern professional sports with 18 consecutive losing seasons since they lost to the Atlanta Braves in the 1992 NLCS.

Today could mark the start of a 20-game losing streak for the Pirates, for all we know, so just for now, let’s live like we were dying, to quote a song I once heard at a gas station. Maybe the Pirates will even keep winning with their young, talented stable of players, featuring guys like Andrew McCutchen and… his teammates. Maybe they’ll even go all the way and end Steel Town’s baseball misery. Hell, not many people ever thought we’d even be where we are today.

That’s why I thought we could take a look back at all of the amazing things that have happened throughout the past 18 years just to give us an idea of how monumental this day is.

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San Francisco Giants fan Bryan Stow was brutally beaten into a coma outside of Dodger Stadium, and his story has been a circus of tributes and accusations. He’s a single father with two children currently in elementary school, and he can’t do much about that now. Ex-Giant Barry Bonds has offered to pay for the college education of Stow’s kids.

Where can you read about this story? ESPN? No. Sports Illustrated? CBS has the story buried under the fold on their homepage. Yahoo Sports has it somewhere in the middle of the page, but not under their headlines. The most informative version of the story I’ve found so far is from the Business Insider sports page, and they spell Stow’s name as “Brian” instead of “Bryan.” THAT story links to “nbcbayarea.com.” Not MLB.com.

There’s a bigger point I’m trying to make here, and I’m not sure I’ve got enough gravitas as a sports writer for it to matter. I’ll let Jimmy Traina give it a try.

Bottom line: If Tebow donated the [money], how do you think these sites would play the story?

They certainly wouldn’t be waiting for comedy blogs to write about it. I’d already have a 1200 x 800 high-definition image of Tebow handing an oversized check to Stow’s kids. The fact that Barry Bonds did steroids, or lied about doing steroids, or is a jerk has nothing to do with a story like this. He’s doing a kind thing, because he’s able to, and because it should be done. If we have to bash him for it anyway, so be it, I guess. Just report it. It’s got to be more important than Kim Kardashian.

Barry Bonds was found guilty on one of the five counts he faced in federal court, the culmination of a decade-long federal investigation into whether or not the former San Francisco Giants outfielder knowingly took steroids.

The lone conviction came on a count charging Bonds with intentionally giving evasive, false or misleading testimony. In response to a question about whether his trainer gave him injectable drugs, Bonds gave a rambling answer, saying he was a “celebrity child, not just in baseball, by my own instincts.”

Bonds’ answer was obstruction of justice, the jury ruled, a deliberate attempt to interfere with the grand jury’s probe.

–SF Chronicle.

Bonds eventually answered that question asked of him during the grand jury, a point that will certainly be contended on appeal.

They deadlocked 11-1 in favor of convicting Bonds on a perjury charge based on Bonds’ claims that he had never received an injection from anyone other than his physician.

Jurors said they deadlocked in favor of acquittal on the other two perjury charges, which were based on Bonds’ denials that he had knowingly used steroids and human growth hormone.

Well that was totally worthwhile. Just think of all the Libyans we could have bombed with the millions of dollars the federal government spent on this trial. Maybe not a lot, but still, every little bit helps.

Wir mussen die Nation ausrotten!

Baseball has been a bit undersold at With Leather, so I’ve decided to take a break from nonstop webcomics and professional wrestling to remedy the problem. Unfortunately nobody likes to read about baseball, because it is boring and not football, so you kinda have to coax people into clicking the link and consolidate everything into concise blurbs, preferably featuring a 65 x 90 picture of Buster Olney. That guy really knows his stuff. Did you realize how important On Base Percentage is?

Anyway, Baseball is Boring is the column to read if you want to kinow what happened this weekend, but you don’t want to know badly enough to find out at a reputable news source. Also, you don’t want to Google “Barry Bonds steroids” in quotes.

Kinsler and Cruz break every record, all at once.

The Texas Rangers’ Ian Kinsler and Nelson Cruz made history by becoming the first set of teammates to homer in each of the first three games of a season on Sunday, closing out a sweep of the Red Sox. The duo set a number of records, because we live in a society that puts things like “most copies sold on Game Boy” in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Here’s the queick list: Kinsler and Cruz came into the game as one of only six teammates to homer in each of the first two games of the season, and Kinsler became the first player to hit a lead-off homer in the first two. Cruz’s homer was the second by a right-handed batter to reach the upper deck in right field at Rangers Ballpark. ESPN set a record by mentioning Cliff Lee for no reason in 100 of their first 100 stories about the Texas Rangers, and the Red Sox became the first team to make me laugh out loud in real life in 2011.

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The Barry Bonds perjury trial is heating up, and we’ve finally reached the point where the prosecution wants to know about Barry Bonds’ balls, back-ne, and hat size.

She testified that, at one point, he had “a big lump … [that] looked awful” in his elbow. Bonds told her that steroid use caused the muscle and tendons to outgrow the joint. “It blew out,” she said. She also said that Bonds talked about the widespread use of steroids among baseball players. “He mentioned that other players do it and that’s how they got ahead, that’s how they achieved,” Bell said.

Bell testified to changes in Bonds’ physical condition, saying that his sexual performance declined and that his testicles shrank. He developed acne on his back and grew (and shaved) chest hair, according to Bell.

–WaPo.

Bonds’ hat size also grew an eighth of an inch over nine years. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, especially when dude is shaving his chest and watching his own testicles shrivel into oblivion. Did Bonds also start carrying a purse? Buying copious quantities of black shoes? Because that’s the only way I’ll care. Everyone know that Bonds was on some kind of juice, and yet no one can prove it. Having tiny nuts doesn’t amount to perjury, which has to be an enormous relief for Brett Favre.

But you know who has a huge head? Placido Polanco. That dude’s a walking Veggie Tale.

Barry Bonds is on trial for perjury in one of the biggest sports story of the year (and of the last two years, and of the next three). Bonds played for the Pirates for a while, so unless you really want to read comedy based around “we signed some young prospects, and they’re hitting like .250 in single-A, so we’re just gonna wait and see how that turns out” you’ll have to take this as your Spring Training Dugout.

The truth about Bonds is similar to the truth about Clemens. I think they both knew what they were doing, but are so delusional after decades of being deified and conversely judged that they can’t ever truly or morally understand what they’re doing. I think Barry Bonds is the type of guy who goes to the bathroom, comes out, washes his hands, takes five steps down the hall and starts wondering whether or not he needs to go to the bathroom. He can just also hit 7,000 home runs.

Today’s Dugout follows. Your comments are appreciated, as long as they aren’t in the third person. Brandon Stroud hates comments in the third person.

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