EIGHT F*CKING YEARS. That’s how long federal prosecutors spent trying to throw Barry Bonds in the slammer for 12 counts of perjury and obstruction of justice and whatever else they had a boner over. So when the verdict came down last week, what did the millions of dollars of taxpayer money get us? Guilty on four counts to the tune of a $4,000 fine, home confinement for 30 days and two years of probation. Oh, and he has to do 250 hours of community service.

Let justice be done though thy heaven’s fall.

A lawyer for Bonds, Allen Ruby, asked by reporters which side he thought had come out ahead in the sentencing, said: “It depends on whether justice was done. If justice was done, then everyone’s a winner. As to what we think, we’re not talking.”

The prosecutors in the case declined comment immediately afterward. But in court, assistant United States attorney Matthew A. Parrella took issue with Illston once it became clear from her presentence comments that there would be no jail term.

In response to her comment that Bonds’s obstruction of justice was a departure from an “otherwise law-abiding lifestyle,” Parrella said Bonds was “well versed in misleading people” and cited the illegal use of drugs and “mistresses through two marriages.”

“He wasn’t convicted for any of those,” Illston responded.

(Via the New York Times)

Ah, the old “He cheated on his wife so he must be a criminal” strategy. Pure brilliance. I’d love to expound on my outrage that tens and maybe hundreds of millions of dollars were spent by the government on trying to prove that Bonds used steroids when any person with a working set of eyes could figure that out, but I’ve already been distracted by the most compelling argument.

After the jump, meet the Barry Bonds fan who puts our whole legal system to shame.

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This Ride Will Be The Death Of You.

That’s Final Destination 3‘s tagline, because it is about a roller coaster that kills you. The roller coaster crash in that movie takes about nine minutes, making it the longest f**king roller coaster of all time.

Anyway, so arrives the third and final (until the sequel) installment of guest writer Bill Hanstock’s SFinal Destination series. We’ve spent seven-plus years portraying Giants fans as the butt of a horse, so hopefully this will catch on with San Fran Fans and open up a world of new ideas, such as the Giants dying in an airplane and the Giants dying on a freeway. In case you missed our updates on Friday, our updates yesterday AND today’s Morning Links, please read Part 1 and Part 2 before clicking through.

Then, click through. Today’s HAUNTING Dugout THRILLRIDE~ is after the jump.

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Roger Clemens is a free man. More or less.

The perjury trial of former Major League Baseball pitcher Roger Clemens ended in a mistrial on the second day of witness testimony after prosecutors showed the jury evidence that violated a court order.

U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton in Washington said today that he’s considering barring further prosecution of Clemens on double-jeopardy grounds and set a hearing for Sept. 2 on whether to let the case proceed.

As a baseball fan and a human male on the Internet, I am outraged. I want Roger Clemens to go to jail for the rest of his life. No, I don’t think a prison term is the best idea for someone who cheated at baseball or did drugs or lied about either, I just really don’t like Roger Clemens. I am going to register a “kill Roger Clemens with a firing squad” Facebook page because of this, and I’m sure that will effect change.

Until then, please read the transcript from today’s proceedings.

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Where have you gone, Mike LeValliere?

Last night, baseball fans witnessed a modern miracle as the Pittsburgh Pirates defeated the Houston Astros 5-1 to move 4 games over .500. Meanwhile, the Milwaukee Brewers lost to the Arizona Diamondbacks 7-3 to drop to just 3 games over .500, which means that the Pirates are now in second place in their division for the first time since 1992.

Of course, way back in 1992 – when most of your girlfriends weren’t even born yet – there were only two divisions in the National League, so it’s not as impressive that the Pirates are just 1.5 games back of the St. Louis Cardinals for first place in the NL Central. But hey, who am I to ruin the fun? Even if it’s just for today, this is a huge milestone for the Pirates, as the franchise has become the biggest loser in modern professional sports with 18 consecutive losing seasons since they lost to the Atlanta Braves in the 1992 NLCS.

Today could mark the start of a 20-game losing streak for the Pirates, for all we know, so just for now, let’s live like we were dying, to quote a song I once heard at a gas station. Maybe the Pirates will even keep winning with their young, talented stable of players, featuring guys like Andrew McCutchen and… his teammates. Maybe they’ll even go all the way and end Steel Town’s baseball misery. Hell, not many people ever thought we’d even be where we are today.

That’s why I thought we could take a look back at all of the amazing things that have happened throughout the past 18 years just to give us an idea of how monumental this day is.

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San Francisco Giants fan Bryan Stow was brutally beaten into a coma outside of Dodger Stadium, and his story has been a circus of tributes and accusations. He’s a single father with two children currently in elementary school, and he can’t do much about that now. Ex-Giant Barry Bonds has offered to pay for the college education of Stow’s kids.

Where can you read about this story? ESPN? No. Sports Illustrated? CBS has the story buried under the fold on their homepage. Yahoo Sports has it somewhere in the middle of the page, but not under their headlines. The most informative version of the story I’ve found so far is from the Business Insider sports page, and they spell Stow’s name as “Brian” instead of “Bryan.” THAT story links to “nbcbayarea.com.” Not MLB.com.

There’s a bigger point I’m trying to make here, and I’m not sure I’ve got enough gravitas as a sports writer for it to matter. I’ll let Jimmy Traina give it a try.

Bottom line: If Tebow donated the [money], how do you think these sites would play the story?

They certainly wouldn’t be waiting for comedy blogs to write about it. I’d already have a 1200 x 800 high-definition image of Tebow handing an oversized check to Stow’s kids. The fact that Barry Bonds did steroids, or lied about doing steroids, or is a jerk has nothing to do with a story like this. He’s doing a kind thing, because he’s able to, and because it should be done. If we have to bash him for it anyway, so be it, I guess. Just report it. It’s got to be more important than Kim Kardashian.

Barry Bonds was found guilty on one of the five counts he faced in federal court, the culmination of a decade-long federal investigation into whether or not the former San Francisco Giants outfielder knowingly took steroids.

The lone conviction came on a count charging Bonds with intentionally giving evasive, false or misleading testimony. In response to a question about whether his trainer gave him injectable drugs, Bonds gave a rambling answer, saying he was a “celebrity child, not just in baseball, by my own instincts.”

Bonds’ answer was obstruction of justice, the jury ruled, a deliberate attempt to interfere with the grand jury’s probe.

–SF Chronicle.

Bonds eventually answered that question asked of him during the grand jury, a point that will certainly be contended on appeal.

They deadlocked 11-1 in favor of convicting Bonds on a perjury charge based on Bonds’ claims that he had never received an injection from anyone other than his physician.

Jurors said they deadlocked in favor of acquittal on the other two perjury charges, which were based on Bonds’ denials that he had knowingly used steroids and human growth hormone.

Well that was totally worthwhile. Just think of all the Libyans we could have bombed with the millions of dollars the federal government spent on this trial. Maybe not a lot, but still, every little bit helps.