Last week, we showed our respect and quasi-admiration to a young actor named Jesse Heiman because someone at Go Daddy’s ad agency thought that he was king dork enough to make out with super duper model Bar Refaeli for the company’s Super Bowl ad. The commercial was certainly far better than the past several years of Go Daddy’s “Hey, check out our large-breasted models and Danica Patrick” efforts, which while right up our alley, were far less than creative.

Alas, friends, there is a much darker side to Super Bowl ad fame that has been a relatively unspoken terror in the past, but now it is coming to the forefront of pop culture news, thanks to Mr. Heiman thinking he’s Senor Big Sh*t all of a sudden.

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Despite being a bro who loves the ladies, I’ve never really enjoyed Go Daddy’s overly suggestive Super Bowl spots, because they typically lack creativity. And that doesn’t just apply to Go Daddy either, as I think that the majority of scorn dished out at Mercedes and its Super Bowl ad featuring Kate Upton stemmed from people just thinking it wasn’t very clever. That’s why I’m tipping my sweet fedora to Go Daddy today for its very simple yet considerably more ingenious ad for Super Bowl 47.

The commercial features super duper DUPER model Bar Refaeli making out with some dweeby dude, while recent divorcee (and current girlfriend of official NASCAR racer of With Leather Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.) Danica Patrick says something. I don’t know what she says because every time I’ve watched Bar make out with this geek, I’ve heaved my monitor across my office.

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In one of the better “Boys will be boys” stories of this early sports year, New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony reportedly took offense to something that Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett said to him during Boston’s 102-96 victory on Monday night. According to various websites, Garnett supposedly told Anthony that his wife and decision-maker, La La Vasquez-Anthony, “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios”. Honestly, I don’t really know how that’s an insult, because it mostly just reminds me of Patrice O’Neal’s birthday cake joke (watch “Elephant in the Room” if you’re unfamiliar).

Now, if I had to guess, Garnett has never had sex with Anthony’s wife. Maybe he has, and therefore is qualified to make such a statement, but this is probably just an example of what the kids call “trash talk”. However, some people believe that this sort of trash talk crosses a line, including Anthony, who waited for Garnett by the Celtics team bus so they could settle this like men. After all, you can take the millionaire professional athlete out of Brooklyn, but you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the corporate product spokesperson.

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I don't want to know what he's planning to do with that.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being the editor-in-chief of a sports comedy blog, it’s that dating a supermodel can be rough on your hair. Remember when Tom Brady hooked up with Gisele Bundchen and his hair started getting weird, and how even now he’ll show up to random charity events with spit-curl fauxhawks? Well, Shaun White is next.

As you may know from our constant groaning about it, Only Snowboarder Anybody Can Name Shaun White is dating supermodel Bar Refaeli. To prove my SUPERMODELS HATE WHATEVER HAIR YOU HAVE WHEN THEY MEET YOU theory, Bar orchestrated the shearing of Shaun’s signature “Flying Tomato” hair, instantly transforming him from DANGEROUS EXTREME SPORTS REBEL into … well, he kinda looks like Clay Aiken.

Check it out for yourself:

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Shaun White is a rock star. He’s 26-years old, a global snowboarding icon, gold medalist and worth millions upon millions of dollars. He’s even been known to trash a hotel room, an act which got him his first-ever shred of negative attention back in September, and people barely ever talked about it. Why didn’t anyone care? Because when you’re a young, long-haired “extreme” athlete, people expect you to be wasted, cause ruckus in a hotel, pull fire alarms and get punched while trying to escape. That’s the gosh-darned American celebrity way of life right there.

Oh, and the other reason nobody really talked about it? Because everyone was still so busy freaking out over the rumors from the 2012 Summer Olympics regarding White dating super duper model Bar Refaeli. Seriously, people were going nuts over that, like, “How the hell is that gorgeous super model dating that redheaded dude?” as if he was the real life version of Rocky Dennis. Gee, I sure do wonder why that gorgeous woman was attracted to the young, famous, wealthy, confident millionaire. Some mysteries were just meant to never be solved.

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I think we all need to take a seat, maybe form a circle and just relax for a few minutes. We get a little bit too crazy about sports sometimes, and we tend to overreact toward athletes and media analysts for their decisions and/or opinions. I mean, take Twitter, for example. Have you seen the horrible verbal venom that is spewed at famous people on that “social media” site on a daily basis? Hell, I’m as guilty as the next guy for making cracks at some athletes, but I’m talking about the violent threats.

It’s really getting out of hand, and it’s been spilling out into our stadiums and arenas now, ruining the idea of fun competition for everyone. What the hell’s the point of going to a game or a bar these days if you constantly have to look over your shoulder and wonder if someone is about to stab you? Sports are supposed to take our minds off the really sh*tty things in life and provide hope and inspiration. Instead, we have people slaughtering each other in the streets.

Everybody calm down and let’s remember why we’re here in the first place… to hope that the other team loses and pray for people to be fired. That’s what sports are all about, dang it.

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