One of the NFL’s many official sponsors, Prilosec OTC has a new campaign called “A Better Way to Tailgate” to help fans avoid eating and drinking things that will give them heartburn, and that’s cool, because I suffer from heartburn a lot and I appreciate a billion dollar pharmaceutical company trying to knock the chili dog out of my fat mouth.

But to really hammer home their point, the makers of Prilosec have hired Larry the Cable Guy to travel to NFL games and interact with fans, because he is apparently also a frequent heartburn sufferer and he represents the average, blue collar NFL fan. Larry, whose real name is Dan Whitney, attended Thursday night’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Cleveland Browns, as well as yesterday’s Baltimore Ravens-Indianapolis Colts game.

And I could get into some long rant about how much I can’t stand Larry or how I’d be irate if my team was letting him run around in a jersey or wave a Terrible Towel, but nobody can ever break down the mystique of Larry’s success better than the late Greg Giraldo.

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"You tell them that you're the little girl."

The 6-2 Baltimore Ravens have won both of their games against the Pittsburgh Steelers this season, making them the huge favorites to win the AFC North. Granted, they could play like they did against the Jacksonville Jaguars and let the shockingly 6-2 Cincinnati Bengals win the division, or they could even let the 6-3 Steelers right back into it, too. So you’d think that coach John Harbaugh and his boys would want to hold their heads high after sweeping their bitter enemy and build momentum heading into their next game.

Maybe. But first they have to complain about the music that was used by the Steelers’ PA crew during Sunday night’s game. Apparently those no-good meanies were using special songs to make fun of Ravens QB Joe Flacco. Because that doesn’t happen in any sport ever.

Before Baltimore’s game-winning, 92-yard drive late in the fourth quarter, the Jumbotron at Heinz Field flashed an image comparing the stats of Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco while the Lynyrd Skynyrd song “What’s Your Name” blared from the public-address system. The chorus of the 1977 hit begins with, “What’s your name, little girl?”

(Via NFL.com)

Flacco told a reporter that he didn’t even notice it, but Harbaugh was still pissed enough to make a big deal out of it. Good thing he wasn’t playing the New Orleans Saints and heard them blasting Katy Perry’s “You’re So Gay” between every play. At least I assume they do that, because I would if Randall Gay were on my team.

With Halloween upon us, most of you are probably recovering from a weekend of cheap booze and heavy drooling over naughty *insert occupation* and, if you’re anything like me, you’re eager to shut all the lights off and watch Monday Night Football in complete silence. But if you’re one of those “adult” types and you didn’t get a chance to go out this week and ogle scantily clad girls who benefit greatly from masks and makeup, you can at least take comfort in know that some NFL cheerleaders are here to comfort you.

Specifically, the Tennessee Titans and Baltimore Ravens cheerleaders want to comfort you, because they were the only NFL cheerleaders that cared enough about their fans yesterday to dress up in ridiculous outfits. Like Batgirl above. She could be a Cyclops under that mask. Hell, she could be Richard Harrow from “Boardwalk Empire.” Either way, she’s the prime example of how Halloween should be done.

Today, we celebrate the efforts of the Titans and Ravens cheerleaders, and we cast our scorn upon the 30 other NFL cheerleading squads that were too cool for school.

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Former Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle and 11-season NFL veteran Orlando “Zeus” Brown was found dead in his Baltimore home today at the age of 40, and nobody is quite sure why. Via CBS News:

Fire spokesman Battalion Chief Kevin Cartwright said firefighters were called about 11 a.m. Friday because Brown was unresponsive at his home near the Inner Harbor. Cartwright said Brown was dead when firefighters arrived. Police spokesman Anthony Guglielmi said firefighters called police, routine procedure in such cases. He said there were no signs of trauma or suspicious activity.

The Ravens learned of Brown’s death during practice.

“We send our condolences to the family of Orlando Brown,” Ravens coach John Harbaugh said. “Everybody knew what he meant to this organization. We’re forever grateful for what he did for the present team. We can’t express enough sorrow for his loss.”

Brown has a lot of interesting notes about his NFL career — he’s one of only two players to have played for both the pre- and post-Baltimore Ravens versions of the Cleveland Browns and is most famous for accidentally hit in the eye by a penalty marker weighted with BBs thrown by referee Jeff Triplette during a game in 1999 and having to sit for three seasons because of it. He settled with the NFL for a reported amount of $25 million and started up the first Fatburger franchise in Maryland. The fact that I can keep going with this should tell you how interesting of a guy he was, and how shocked his friends and family are that he’s suddenly gone.

Bill Belichick, the man who signed Brown, coached him for three seasons in Cleveland and probably thought dressing as a rollerskating pirate as the only thing he was going to do on the Internet today, released a statement through the Patriots moments ago.

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I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong about something, so I had no problem making fun of myself yesterday while Ray Rice made me and the Pittsburgh Steelers look incredibly foolish. In fairness, my fantasy football rankings were doomed because I wrote them too early, since I would clearly never take Arian Foster and his hamstring with the first pick, but more importantly because Rice was going to benefit from the disappearances of Willis McGahee, now ruining Knowshon Moreno’s value in Denver, and Le’Ron McClain, who of course joined Jamaal Charles in Kansas City.

With that said, I’ve never claimed to be an expert. So I tip my cap to those of you who nabbed Rice in the Top 5 because it’s pretty clear that he, LeSean McCoy, and maybe even Matt Forte are poised to become the cream of the RB crop this year. That is, if every player in the league isn’t on the injured reserve by Week 4.

Then again, it’s also only Week 1, so I shouldn’t be crowning anyone. But if Rice and his 149 all-purpose yards and 2 TDs against the Pittsburgh Steelers don’t impress you, then I guess you are more foolish than I.

Until now, the hardest part about this NFL lockout ordeal for most of us was worrying about planning our fantasy football draft parties, but it turns out that people out there actually depend on the NFL for their income and supporting their families. Who knew? But according to Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, this whole lockout thing goes way beyond franchise employees, stadium vendors, parking attendants and posse and entourage members.

“Do this research if we don’t have a season — watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game,” Ray Lewis told ESPN.

“There’s too many people that live through us, people live through us,” he said. “Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I’m not talking about the people you see all the time.” (New York Daily News)

Of course we all know that Lewis was charged with obstruction of justice in 2000, after he lied to the police about the stabbing of two men after a Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Lewis was originally charged with the murder of the men, but his lawyer had the murder charges dismissed if he agreed to testify against his friends, and because Lewis’ white suit, presumably covered with blood, was never found. Meanwhile, Lewis settled privately with the families of the men that his friends killed, because that’s what most innocent men do. I just wanted to refresh our memories and bask in the irony.

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