By now you’re probably familiar with the story of Paisley Dickey, the diminutive diva who has become a “Toddlers & Tiaras” anti-sensation in the wake of her mother dressing her as a prostitute on a recent episode of the show from hell. To be specific, Paisley was dressed as Julia Roberts’ hooker character from Pretty Woman, so at least she has a heart of gold.

So why, Burnsy, is this being discussed on this esteemed fart joke machine sports blog? Because Paisley’s mother, Wendy, has invoked my unholiest wrath with the laziest argument in the world.

‘I take my kid to church every week… at least I’m not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents.

‘People need to look at their own family and what they’re doing. I don’t know why people are focusing so much on pageant moms when there’s much more harmful things people are letting their children do!’

(Via The Daily Mail)

Yeah, like play sports and learn the importance of teamwork, leadership, discipline, and Big League Chew as a stepping stone to Red Man. OK, maybe not that last part, but you get my point.

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About 75 of you have sent me this story about the Chilean Olympic weightlifter who didn’t realize she was preggers until she gave birth in the middle of a training session to a preemie. Elizabeth Poblete, who’s actually a 22-year-old Brazilian, gave the world a new innovation to the “snatch” event when she gave birth to a 2.5-pound baby boy last week.

“A week [before the birth], I acted as a judge in a competition in Chile and this girl was competing. All went well and she won the competition,” the AFP news agency reportedly quoted him as saying.

“I could see she was a big girl, round and strong. That’s all I noticed.” –NY Daily News, via everyone.

The baby boy is in ICU in a Sao Paulo hospital, and there’s no indication that anyone knows who the father is. I can’t imagine that there was a line around the block for a woman as big, round and strong as that. Although I wouldn’t mind to have a woman grab me and hoist me over her head right before achievement. Just once.

Erek Brown had his ear bitten off by a dog, then had it reattached over the course of three surgeries. After the first surgery, doctors recommended against physical activity, because it could lead to the permanent loss of his ear. But his mom forced him to play because he’s the star player. And also because she’s a bitch.

Of course, this is all according to “Family Court With Judge Penny,” so take that for what it’s worth. And what it’s worth is ratings GOLD. I love me my sassy judges. If someone I call “your honor” doesn’t wave her finger at people and sexually harass the bailiff, I’m sorry, I’m not interested.

[Mouthpiece Sports]

Lacrosse players everywhere are slightly less despicable than usual today after thirteen high schoolers in Michigan were suspended for a cheeky prom invitation. (Note: I hate myself for that pun.)

The varsity lacrosse players displayed the question, "Will You Go To The Prom With Me? Yes or No?" on their bottoms, which they bared during a junior varsity game last Thursday… [Carolyn] Campbell accepted the invitation by patting the back of the player who displayed the word "Yes."

Officials suspended the 13 players for an undetermined number of games and ordered them to perform 20 hours of community service. They also were suspended from school for one day.

"Inappropriate is inappropriate," school athletic director Dottie Davis told The Ann Arbor News. "It disrespects women, and that's the clear message we need to have the students understand — what may be fun to them isn't necessarily fun to everyone else."

Oh fer chrissakes, Dottie.  You know, just because no one ever liked YOU enough to line up thirteen bare asses to ask you to prom doesn't mean other people should suffer.  Clean the cobwebs out of your dusty gash and lighten the fuck up. 

(thanks to outofsync) 

How awesome is professional lacrosse?  Well, the Rochester Rattlers realize the inherent connection between Borat and Rock, Paper, Scissors tournaments, so that should tell you everything you need to know.  Of course, they can't actually say "Borat," which makes the promotions even awesomer.  By which I mean crappier.

J.D. Oxford's will host the Bud Light Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament with "Kazakhstan’s favorite citizen." The winner of the tournament will receive a Bud Light Zone 8 Pack of tickets to the Saturday, June 23rd Major League Lacrosse game between the Rattlers and the Philadelphia Barrage… The Rattlers will host their own Bud Light Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament on Saturday, July 14th at PAETEC Park…

On Saturday, the Rattlers will honor the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. All citizens of Kazakhstan will receive a free ticket by showing their passports at the box office. Anyone dressed up like their favorite Kazakhstan citizen will get a buy one get one ticket offer.

I recommend that everyone in the Rochester area attend.  We have to support pro lacrosse.  It's the only sports league that employs men who grew up in expensive private boarding schools in the Northeast, and if they lose their jobs they'll have to go back to their old neighborhoods… we can't sentence them to a life of crime on the mean streets of Martha's Vineyard.

This short clip was sent in by sex machine William, and to my knowledge it is the only Division-III lacrosse video I've ever posted.  Supposedly, the game's between Salisbury University and Washington College, even though I've never heard of them.  They sound like made-up names to me, like somebody made a college movie about two preppy schools in the Northeast, and that was the best they could do.

Anyway, I figure it's always worth watching a lacrosse player get de-cleated.