Earlier this week, the NHL and NHL Players Association met with mediators to see if wasting more money could help put an end to this NHL lockout, and how did it turn out? Well, you’re not watching hockey highlights right now, so it obviously didn’t go well. So where do we go from here? Negotiations between the two sides aren’t going well at all. Hell, they can’t even agree on when to talk anymore. And third parties aren’t doing anything to make it any better. Who the hell can just fix this mess already?

Gary Bettman has an idea, actually. It’s a great idea, too. He wants the owners to sit down and meet face-to-face with the players. Wait, did I say this was a great idea? I meant that it’s horrible.

Sessions conducted by officials of the Federal Mediation and Conciliation Service produced no agreement between the league and the NHL Players’ Assn., leaving in place the lockout the NHL imposed on Sept. 15. After Thursday’s talks, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman proposed arranging a meeting that would exclude executives on both sides and allow owners and players to have an unfiltered exchange of ideas.

The NHLPA did not immediately respond but was expected to raise the idea during a conference call Friday with players. Many players have taken part in negotiating sessions, but only a few owners have participated. (Via the L.A. Times)

Basically, Bettman wants the owners – you know, the guys with the money who want to make more money by taking money away from the players – and the players – the guys who aren’t making any money right now and are making death threats at Bettman and the owners on Twitter – to sit across a table from each other and try to reach an agreement. This, of course, is funny because the NHLPA exists so that the players don’t have to deal directly with the league and owners in labor bargaining, because the majority of players – if not all of them – are not qualified to negotiate a collective bargaining agreement.

Now, let’s say this stupid idea actually becomes a reality. I see it playing out in one of two ways…

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If you don’t watch professional wrestling, there isn’t a lot wrestling fans can teach you.

It’s a short list — what different styles of crotch-chops mean, the names of wrestlers you don’t recognize (but only the popular ones), whether or not Sin Cara had a comic book based on his life in Mexico (spoiler: he did) — but as a wrestling fan and the editor-in-chief of a popular, mostly-non-wrestling comedy sports blog, I feel it is my duty to say stay the hell away from this Groupon.

$37 for a 60-minute sports massage from NuBodi Massage sounds great until you realize it’s being administered by Chris Benoit. Fans of WWE remember Benoit as the man who won the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple H and Shawn Michaels in a Triple Threat match at WrestleMania XX. Fans of Nancy Grace may remember him as the guy who choked his wife to death, choked his 7-year old son to death, helpfully put his dogs in the pool house and hung himself in his home gym. Okay, WWE fans remember him like that, too.

And sure, this probably isn’t the same Chris Benoit, but if years of watching wrestling (and reading Deadspin) have taught me anything, it’s that everything that happens in WWE should be followed by, “was that a work,” wrestling jargon for “was that real, or part of the show?” Which means ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, which means that maybe Chris Benoit faked his own death, put on a dreadlocks wig and got a job giving therapeutic massage up in Massachusetts. Do not use the Chris Benoit Groupon.

Just be safe, that’s all I’m asking. Wait for the next Groupon deal to come along. Hey, look! Only $80 for Invader #1 Shower Installation! That sounds like a great idea!

[h/t to @BJHiggins]

Buzzfeed’s headline “An Idiot Got A Tim Tebow Tattoo [PIC]” is all you need to know, because seriously, what else is there to say? This guy got Tim Tebow as a centaur in a football helmet (and nothing else, it should be noted) with “Tebow Time” above it tattooed on his body. I’m not sure where on his body, exactly, but judging by the flat area and body hair I’d have to guess “his forehead”.

Thanks to this Internet Stranger, Tebow joins Alex Rodriguez in the “sports guys who have at one point been a centaur” category of our brains. Maybe it’s because he plays for a horse-themed team? If he played for the Eagles this tattoo would be of Tebow as a griffin? And then he could get traded to the Lions, and the guy would have to get a cover-up and depict Tebow as a chimera? Regardless, I really want to use Kratos to kill this guy now.

And is it just me, or is the cursive somehow the worst part?

[h/t to Robopanda]

I don’t think I could sit through 90 minutes of The Farrelly Brothers’ The Three Stooges update, but thankfully the minute-46 version highlights what I’m sure will be the very best part — Sports Illustrated model and America’s Best Girl Kate Upton’s uncredited cameo as nun in a bikini. There you go, the only reason to watch this instead of the myriad of Three Stooges shorts available on DVD for a dollar everywhere DVDs are sold.

I’m happy to see Kate’s acting career taking off. This is the follow-up to her critically acclaimed turn as ‘Mr. Hightower’s Mistress’ in Brett Ratner’s Tower Heist, which was the follow-up to her first big commercial hit, drinking SoBe while people try not to look at her boobs.

After the jump, you can watch what I’m guessing is her entire scene (joke: she is hot) in the middle of the HD pratfalling mess.

UPDATE: And now, thanks to With Leather magistrate Matt Ufford we’ve added a 1080p gallery of the better moments of the trailer for your enjoyment.

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Take a look at Brent Burns, NHL defenseman for the San Jose Sharks, pictured right. Does he look like the kind of guy who makes a lot of strong personal decisions? He got his first tattoo when he was 11, and this summer he got a huge tattoo on his back of his pets with the word “Wild” in green. You know, because he played for the Minnesota Wild. Which he no longer does.

Anyway, the latest masterpiece (by way of Twitter and our friends at Puck Daddy, and probably everybody else in the world with eyeballs and a sense of propriety) is Brent’s second giant, colorful dragon, only this one features the beast being battled by Harry Potter. If you click the image it’ll take you to the bigger, full version. Beware of body hair. That’s Harry in the upper left, in case you couldn’t make it out. Why Harry Potter, you ask?

A lot of questions for HP tattoo! Always loved books! There ya go #hogwartslooksfun I don’t know why itsupsidedwn

He posted it to his Twitter upside down, in case you need that part deciphered.

As someone who has a children’s book character tattooed on their person (I have Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web on my right arm) I can only make so much fun of him for this, so I’ll make fun of him for literally everything else ever, including being rich enough to do this and have it be news. But yeah, how many dragons does one body need? One more and he’s going to look like a kiosk at the mall.

New Jersey entrepreneur Larry Blatterfein wants to open a bar for New York sports fans called “Buck Foston’s”. He says the name keeping him from getting an operating license because New Brunswick mayor Jim Cahill is a Boston Red Sox fan.

Alternate theories:

1) Jim Cahill doesn’t really care about how sports rivalries impact Shenanigans-style restaurants, but he’s one of the 99% of people who hate that “switched letters curse word” joke and knows it officially jumped the shark with John Cena’s “RUCK FULES” WWE merchandise. He also doesn’t like it when Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes breaks character and starts pissing on memorabilia.

2) Nobody cares what this guy wants to call his stupid 250 Cent Wing Night establishment, and News 12 New Jersey reporter Sean Bergin is lobbying for a position at Grantland by romanticizing a bunch of improperly-filed paperwork.

Watch the local report and decide for yourself:

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