In an absolutely shocking development, John Daly, America’s golfingest alcoholic, spent a day in the drunk tank after passing out in a North Carolina Hooters.  The details:

Officers described Daly as extremely intoxicated and uncooperative. He repeated he didn’t want to go to the hospital.

Hooters employees asked Daly to leave. But Daly did not have transportation. Officers say he was part of a group traveling on a tour bus. The group left Daly behind at the Hooters because they didn’t want him to continue traveling with them.

Sounds like there are some real rocket scientists on that tour bus.  “Hey, a Hooters!  Let’s give an alcoholic with four ex-wives access to tits and beer!  Certainly we’ll want to spend the rest of the evening with such a charming raconteur in his natural environment!”

[TMZ via SbB]

Apparently tired of jet-setting around and nailing whichever hot young Hollyood tail is presented to him (like Jake Gyllenhaal or Matthew McConaughey), Lance Armstrong will return to cycling for the 2009 Tour de France.  He will be 37.

But the man left the sport after beating cancer and then winning seven straight Tours without ever getting busted for doping — despite rumors to the contrary.  It was the perfect ending.  Why would he return now?  (Don’t say revenge don’t say revenge don’t say revenge…)

Armstrong told Vanity Fair that “revenge” against those who think he used performance-enhancing drugs is part of his motivation.

Don’t get me wrong, I think revenge is absolutely the best reason to do anything, but he’s placed himself in a situation where anything less than a victory is a complete failure.  That kind of pressure is partly why my parents and I no longer speak.  Although why they wanted me to win the Tour de France, I have no idea.

This elaborate unveiling of soccer uniforms (fine, fine: kits) comes to us from Bayern Munich, aka Bayern München, aka The Adventures of Bayern Munchausen.  And I don't want to spoil anything, but if you hate soccer and Germans — and most Americans do — this isn't going to improve your view of either. 

I just don't know how team officials arrived at this monstrosity.  "We need to show off the new kits." "How about a fashion show?"  "That's a terrible idea."  "How about a fashion show… with choreography!?"  "NOW you're talking!"

[Bundesliga Offside / Who Ate All the Pies / SbB] 

Quarterback Carson Palmer — one of three or four Bengals to not get arrested over the last two years — went on a radio show in LA, and the Orange County native and USC alumnus awesomely talked shit about how retarded Ohio State fans are.

I cannot stand the Buckeyes… It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and [OSU coach Jim] Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there…

I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully [the Bengals will] have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf… I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten.

Oh man that was sweet.  I just hope Carson watches his back the next time he goes to Ohio.  What's that?  HE LIVES AND WORKS THERE?  Oh, that's not smart.  I mean, I talk shit about Ohio State all the time, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never setting foot in Ohio ever again.  Believe me, it was a real tough sacrifice to make.  I'll never get to witness Lake Erie on fire, or a Cincinnati race riot, or Buckeye fans defecating in coolers on an October Saturday.  What a shame.

[FanHaus] 

If you're one of the people who realizes that some aspect of the Beijing Olympics will go disastrously wrong, good news: the apocalypse will be televised.  Seriously, you're gonna have the chance to watch EVERYTHING.

NBC Universal… will present an unprecedented 3,600 hours of Beijing Olympic Games coverage, the most ambitious single media project in history. [second most ambitious: photographing your mom's ass. -Ed.]

The 3,600 total hours of coverage on seven NBC Universal networks: NBC, USA, MSNBC, CNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo and Universal HD, as well as NBCOlympics.com, is 1,000 hours more than the combined coverage for every televised Summer Olympics in U.S. history (Rome 1960 – Athens 2004, 2,562 hours). NBCOlympics.com will feature approximately 2,200 total hours of live streaming Olympic broadband video coverage, the first live online Olympic coverage in the United States.

Oh no, workplace productivity may disappear completely as cubicle dwellers surreptitiously clamor to watch the Olympic sailing regatta and every second of the marathon.  Sounds nice, NBC.  Be sure to add "most hours of Olympics coverage watched by no one" to the record book, too.

ESPN conducted a direct marketing campaign in Asia in which they shipped out giant eyeballs in boxes (full image here).  Recipients opened up the box, and BAM, there's a huge fucking eye staring at you.  Maybe that seems creepy to us sane people, but according to the marketing team who put it together, it worked great.  Very great.

This DM exercise resulted in achieving extremely positive reactions from the targeted media community and the awareness for the key statistics showed a very positive increase. It facilitated in creating a very favorable environment for the subsequent sales process.

You see, it's effective because sports use balls, and ESPN wants more eyes, and eyes are balls.  Eyeballs.  Eye-BALLS.  Eye.  Balls.  Get it?  It took some brazen outside-the-box thinking, but all that blood, sweat, and giant basketball tears were worth it.

[The Slanch Report]