–via Chicago Tribune

Soccer players have been notorious for having some of the hottest WAGs in the world, but they usually don’t need help from Facebook. Chicago Fire defender Krzysztof Krol was crowned the grand master of Facebook when he recently started dating Playboy model Patrycja Mikula. How did he score such an awesome date? He got her phone number off her Facebook page. Take it from here, Puppet LeBron.

And here I was, thinking that looking for love on the internet was for pederasts and ugly people. The two Poles certainly made me look stupid, when they were married at Chicago’s City Hall earlier this week.

Fire defender Krzysztof Krol called the phone number on Patrycja Mikula’s Facebook page in May even though he’d never met the Playboy model. Less than two months later, Krol and Mikula were saying “I do.”

The Polish couple got married on Thursday at Chicago’s City Hall, seven weeks after they began dating. They plan on having a church wedding in Chicago in December after the Major League Soccer season. –The Chicago Tribune via Sports Illustrated

Call me old fashioned, but marrying a girl you’ve only known for seven weeks has to be one of the worst ideas of all time. Although, if I was playing in the MLS, I wouldn’t be comforted knowing that she wasn’t going out with me for the money. I don’t think the guys on Real Salt Lake could swing the VIP booth at Applebee’s. The article also explains how the two have already gotten their significant other’s name tattooed on their left arm, and how Patrycja’s ex is former UFC Heavyweight Champion Andrei Arlovski.

Normally, marrying your seven week girlfriend you met on Facebook, who happens to be the ex-lover of guy who beats the shit out of people for a living, would be a questionable life decision. Not when the girl in question looks like this. Then it’s probably the best idea of all time. She should consider modeling Bad Idea Jeans, but thinking of good ideas for Bad Idea Jeans makes my head hurt. Their first ad campaign after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

If you are one of the millions of sane, rational people that Denver Broncos rookie Tim Tebow will be a terrible NFL quarterback, then you’re gonna love this: one columnist is already trumpeting Tebow as the solution to the Denver Broncos’ red zone woes. As an option fullback.

Of Tebow’s conference-record 57 rushing touchdowns (that’s as many as running back Marshall Faulk had in three seasons for San Diego State), most came on designed rollouts or option plays, where even defenses trained to key on Tebow in goal-line packages were unable to stop him from scoring.[..]

When the 2004-2006 Falcons led the NFL in rushing with Michael Vick(notes), Warrick Dunn(notes), and T.J. Duckett(notes), Vick drove defenses crazy with them. Like Vick back then, Tebow has a lot to learn before he can make any wanes [sic] as a pure quarterback. –Doug Farrar/Y! Sports.

Farrar includes some diagrams in his post, which have Tebow running what a lot of us would simply refer to as the wildcat. But either way, it would beat holding a clipboard for [checks length of average NFL career] …3.4 years. We could use all the white running backs we can get. Use them for what? Well, that’s another question entirely…

The worst idea in college basketball still hasn’t died. There’s a pocket of jagoff coaches out there that are still looking to expand the NCAA tournament field (in Division I, i.e. the only division you or I care about) to 96 teams.

“I don’t think there’s anything in college basketball that’s more important than expanding that field,” Wright said.

Wright said about 18 percent of the teams get in the Big Dance, but more than that have a good season. He thinks several more teams belong in the Tournament.”I would start at 96 with the idea that we would even go beyond that,” Wright said. Dan Patrick Show/SI.com

Why not just let everyone in? It’s not like the season means anything anyway. It’s not like we haven’t already dissolved five months of basketball into three weekends anyway. Hell, let’s allow Boise State’s football team into there. Might as well include everyone. Boise State never gets a fair shake in the BCS. Why not let them in the tournament? And let’s award a bid to the US men’s curling team. They didn’t suck that bad. And why not invite supermodel Anne V. She’s totally underrated. And what about…

After va to see whether or not Venus Williams was actually wearing underwear during the Australian Open, Hotties in Cleats took it upon themselves to check out a retrospective of horrible ensembles to ever disgrace the sport. And wouldn’t you know it, the Williams sisters are well-represented in that gallery. I’m personally a big fan of anything involving full-bodied spandex, provided that it’s not Jennifer Lopez. –Hotties In Cleats.

Get it? The Rock? Diamonds? Cubic Zirconia? As in he’s not box office gold?

Sweet merciful crap, please make it stop. Why does Hollywood insist on continuing to churn out these aborted embryos of celluloid?

Coming in January 2010, 20th Century Fox will unleash The Tooth Fairy, yet another attempt to turn Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson into a bona fide movie star. They ought to give it up: Johnson’s acting and choice of projects makes Jim Varney look like Jim Belushi. Wait. That’s not right. Unless Jim Belushi was in The Passion of the Christ.

Read with a dread that will chill you to your very soul:

Dwayne Johnson is “The Tooth Fairy,” also known as Derek Thompson, a hard-charging minor league hockey player whose nickname comes from his habit of separating opposing players from their bicuspids. When Derek discourages a youngster’s hopes, he’s sentenced to one week’s hard labor as a real tooth fairy, complete with the requisite tutu, wings and magic wand. At first, Derek “can’t handle the tooth” – bumbling and stumbling as he tries to furtively wing his way through strangers’ homes…doing what tooth fairies do. But as Derek slowly adapts to his new position, he begins to rediscover his own forgotten dreams. –© 20th Century Fox via.

I would expand on the movie preview but besides the soul-crushing experience that would entail, I believe it is self-explanatory. You start off with The Rock, mix in a little Ashley Judd, a dash of Julie Andrews, a spritz of Billy Crystal, a sprinkle of “football in the groin” level of humor, and do you know what you get? Well, you get The Tooth Fairy. Duh. Pay attention.

The icing on the cake is the use of a song by The Cars in the preview. That is never a good sign. Don’t believe me? Look what happened to Circuit City.

Movies like this make me hearken back to the good old days when washed-up professional wrestlers did what was expected of them: develop crippling drug addictions and fade into obscurity.

Or possibly get tangled up (literally) in a murder-suicide. Although the first one is the more preferable of the two.

[H/T Puck Daddy]

UPDATE: ESPN is reporting that Thomas will work next season for free. Florida International still overpaid.

Florida International University’s AD Pete Garcia must have allowed himself to be photographed having gay sex in a children’s library with Satan, because that’s the only reason I can muster for his hiring of Isiah Thomas. To coach their basketball team. Not like make copies or fetch coffee or anything, because even that seems out of the man’s skill range.

“Coming back to the college game has always been a dream of mine, and I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity to go somewhere where we can build a basketball legacy together,” Thomas said in a statement.

A beautiful basketball legacy of failure, to be specific. Pete Garcia, I thank you, sir. You’ve just made my job a lot easier come this winter. As for now, I’m at a total loss. Probably because my brain just exploded.

|GameOn| Orig. run 4/14/09