Get it? The Rock? Diamonds? Cubic Zirconia? As in he’s not box office gold?
Sweet merciful crap, please make it stop. Why does Hollywood insist on continuing to churn out these aborted embryos of celluloid?
Coming in January 2010, 20th Century Fox will unleash The Tooth Fairy, yet another attempt to turn Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson into a bona fide movie star. They ought to give it up: Johnson’s acting and choice of projects makes Jim Varney look like Jim Belushi. Wait. That’s not right. Unless Jim Belushi was in The Passion of the Christ.
Read with a dread that will chill you to your very soul:
Dwayne Johnson is “The Tooth Fairy,” also known as Derek Thompson, a hard-charging minor league hockey player whose nickname comes from his habit of separating opposing players from their bicuspids. When Derek discourages a youngster’s hopes, he’s sentenced to one week’s hard labor as a real tooth fairy, complete with the requisite tutu, wings and magic wand. At first, Derek “can’t handle the tooth” – bumbling and stumbling as he tries to furtively wing his way through strangers’ homes…doing what tooth fairies do. But as Derek slowly adapts to his new position, he begins to rediscover his own forgotten dreams. –© 20th Century Fox via.
I would expand on the movie preview but besides the soul-crushing experience that would entail, I believe it is self-explanatory. You start off with The Rock, mix in a little Ashley Judd, a dash of Julie Andrews, a spritz of Billy Crystal, a sprinkle of “football in the groin” level of humor, and do you know what you get? Well, you get The Tooth Fairy. Duh. Pay attention.
The icing on the cake is the use of a song by The Cars in the preview. That is never a good sign. Don’t believe me? Look what happened to Circuit City.
Movies like this make me hearken back to the good old days when washed-up professional wrestlers did what was expected of them: develop crippling drug addictions and fade into obscurity.
Or possibly get tangled up (literally) in a murder-suicide. Although the first one is the more preferable of the two.
[H/T Puck Daddy]
UPDATE: ESPN is reporting that Thomas will work next season for free. Florida International still overpaid.
Florida International University’s AD Pete Garcia must have allowed himself to be photographed having gay sex in a children’s library with Satan, because that’s the only reason I can muster for his hiring of Isiah Thomas. To coach their basketball team. Not like make copies or fetch coffee or anything, because even that seems out of the man’s skill range.
“Coming back to the college game has always been a dream of mine, and I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity to go somewhere where we can build a basketball legacy together,” Thomas said in a statement.
A beautiful basketball legacy of failure, to be specific. Pete Garcia, I thank you, sir. You’ve just made my job a lot easier come this winter. As for now, I’m at a total loss. Probably because my brain just exploded.
|GameOn| Orig. run 4/14/09
In an absolutely shocking development, John Daly, America’s golfingest alcoholic, spent a day in the drunk tank after passing out in a North Carolina Hooters. The details:
Officers described Daly as extremely intoxicated and uncooperative. He repeated he didn’t want to go to the hospital.
Hooters employees asked Daly to leave. But Daly did not have transportation. Officers say he was part of a group traveling on a tour bus. The group left Daly behind at the Hooters because they didn’t want him to continue traveling with them.
Sounds like there are some real rocket scientists on that tour bus. “Hey, a Hooters! Let’s give an alcoholic with four ex-wives access to tits and beer! Certainly we’ll want to spend the rest of the evening with such a charming raconteur in his natural environment!”
Apparently tired of jet-setting around and nailing whichever hot young Hollyood tail is presented to him (like Jake Gyllenhaal or Matthew McConaughey), Lance Armstrong will return to cycling for the 2009 Tour de France. He will be 37.
But the man left the sport after beating cancer and then winning seven straight Tours without ever getting busted for doping — despite rumors to the contrary. It was the perfect ending. Why would he return now? (Don’t say revenge don’t say revenge don’t say revenge…)
Armstrong told Vanity Fair that “revenge” against those who think he used performance-enhancing drugs is part of his motivation.
Don’t get me wrong, I think revenge is absolutely the best reason to do anything, but he’s placed himself in a situation where anything less than a victory is a complete failure. That kind of pressure is partly why my parents and I no longer speak. Although why they wanted me to win the Tour de France, I have no idea.
This elaborate unveiling of soccer uniforms (fine, fine: kits) comes to us from Bayern Munich, aka Bayern München, aka The Adventures of Bayern Munchausen. And I don't want to spoil anything, but if you hate soccer and Germans — and most Americans do — this isn't going to improve your view of either.
I just don't know how team officials arrived at this monstrosity. "We need to show off the new kits." "How about a fashion show?" "That's a terrible idea." "How about a fashion show… with choreography!?" "NOW you're talking!"
Quarterback Carson Palmer — one of three or four Bengals to not get arrested over the last two years — went on a radio show in LA, and the Orange County native and USC alumnus awesomely talked shit about how retarded Ohio State fans are.
I cannot stand the Buckeyes… It's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program and [OSU coach Jim] Tressel and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there…
I just can't wait for two years from now when SC comes to the 'Shoe and hopefully [the Bengals will] have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them in their own turf… I'm really getting sick of it and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned Pac-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten.
Oh man that was sweet. I just hope Carson watches his back the next time he goes to Ohio. What's that? HE LIVES AND WORKS THERE? Oh, that's not smart. I mean, I talk shit about Ohio State all the time, but I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never setting foot in Ohio ever again. Believe me, it was a real tough sacrifice to make. I'll never get to witness Lake Erie on fire, or a Cincinnati race riot, or Buckeye fans defecating in coolers on an October Saturday. What a shame.
[FanHaus]
