BROGUE! BROGUE! BROGUE!

The short version of the story is that Zambia and Ethiopia squared off in the 2013 Africa Cup of Nations soccer tournament, Zambia’s Chisamba Lungu tried to score a goal, and Ethiopia’s goaltender stopped it by saying nuts to the ball and just giving Lungu a flying bicycle kick to the lungs. Soccer guys are dirty as hell, and we know this.

The longer version is the amazing YouTube description:

The match saw the first that was held today as part of the third group of the African Cup of Nations, which brought together champions Zambia against Ethiopia exciting incident where the goalkeeper Ethiopian “Taceo beauty” violent intervention Zambian player “Cesamba Longo” and that cost him the package.

In addition to the expulsion, Ethiopian goalkeeper was injured and was forced out of the field through mobile phones. The match ended in a 1/1, which is positive for the Ethiopian team.

What do you think is worse, a violent intervention costing you the package, or being forced off the field through a mobile phone?

Either way, I’m going to become a soccer star and demand people refer to me as the “Taco Beauty.”

[h/t to Los That Sports]

As a fan of the St. Louis Blues, I don’t watch much hockey because I like to devote my time to happier things like kicking puppies and swallowing broken glass. But once in a Labatt’s Blue moon we stumble across an awesome hockey highlight that makes me feel bad about all of my Canada jokes. Then I watch anything Mike Myers or Jim Carrey have done in the past 10 years and I’m right back to making jokes about moose knuckle pucks.

But today is a happier day for hockey fans because we have a pretty cool hockey clip to share. Our crack team of researchers has determined that this clip is from a hockey game that took place sometime during the era of video recording devices and features two teams that have players and uniforms. What we do know is that this 17-year old hockey player just made the goalie into his prison girlfriend.

*He actually uses his opponent’s head, so the title is inaccurate, but… HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!

Video after the jump…

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This is Kaspars Daugavins from the American Hockey League executing one of the most hilarious shoot-out attempts that I’ve ever seen. If you’ve ever been near a hockey rink, you’ll see the occasional wiseass toe the puck with the blade of his stick and swish it around like he’s mopping a floor. But I’ve never seen a guy shoot with it. Oh, man. This guy has stones to even try this. Depending on how it turns out, he’s either getting fired by his coach…or getting blown from him. Since we’re posting it, you could probably guess which. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a Russian goalie showing that his grasp of turf hardness is about on par with that of running his own laundromat. But if I know anything about Russians, I’m sure that he would have made this save in his natural habitat — the driver’s seat of a taxicab. Jeez, those guys drive the same way that they speak English. Anyway, the video of this goalie gaffe is after the jump. The match, by the way, ended in a tie. Yeah, I didn’t really care, either. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s German goalie Jens Lehmann doing his best to drain the lizard behind one of those big billboards that you so often see at soccer games. And now I can see why they’re there. I guess the one on the other side of the net is the ladies’? But Lehmann, 40, is a guy that’s already been in trouble for wondering aloud why his club, Stuttgart, hasn’t fired their coach already. But it gets better.

Things then went from bad to worse in Sunday’s Bundesliga game against Mainz. Stuttgart we leading 1-0 and appeared to be on the way to their first league victory since week seven.

However, Lehmann lost his temper and stamped on Mainz attacker Aristide Bance after collecting a cross. The referee spotted the incident and decided to send Lehmann off and award Mainz a spot kick, which was converted by Eugen Polanski.

And according to Sky, things didn’t end there. The shot stopper stole the glasses of a fan after the game and intended to travel home by taxi instead of taking the team bus, until he spotted a camera following him. –Goal.com

Pissing in public and then stealing some poor bastard’s glasses? That’s a full day. And if you’re German that’s like 3 full days. Because Europeans are lazy.

Here’s a great goal from Wizards midfielder Claudio Lopez of MLS “fame,” who could probably score a goal from the last stall in the concourse men’s room. You know, the one with the handrails? I don’t know what it is about having those handrails in there that makes that particular stall feel like a VIP suite, but I enjoy them immensely. At least, I do until some bastard in a wheelchair starts banging on the door telling me to hurry up. I’m texting, fool! You already got a better parking spot than I did. And I still got in here before you… via. Thanks, KOGOD.