The story: A guy on a message board somewhere posted a thing about how golf pro Phil Mickelson and his wife were cheating on each other a la “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” and mentioned that Lefty had fathered an illegitimate child. It’s probably not true, because nothing on the Internet is true, and if it is, who cares?

Well, apparently Phil Mickelson is new to the Internet, because the Cyber Police have been contacted and he’s gonna find you online and fight you in real life:

As funny as “Phil Mickelson didn’t f**k a lady” is as “breaking news”, that’s not the best part. Neither are his outstanding reaction of “well I NEVER!” or his monocle coming loose and falling into his wine glass.

No, the very best part is TMZ’s write up of the non-events, which starts with “sinking his putts” as a euphemism for cheating on his wife and runs headlong into what could be the greatest and most melodramatic use of boldface in Internet history:

Oh no, not an Internet Service Provider! I hope he doesn’t use a telecommunications device that transmits and receives sounds to call his lawyer!

Let me see if I can get in on this. Phil Mickelson once f**ked a dog. That is a true thing he has done. Come at me, bro.

A Washington D.C. man has decided that he wants in on the LeBron James Free Agent Frenzy, and he’s getting his the old-fashioned way – by suing the superstar and his mom and claiming to be his biological father. Leicester Bryce Stovell claims that he met Gloria James in 1984 when she was 15 and he was 29 and they did the babymaking deal without protection or concern for the law, apparently. The claim is a bit of a stretch, however, as Stovell has never been LeBron’s teammate.

Stovell is seeking $4 million in damages – for fraud, defamation and misrepresentation, among others – and is accusing Gloria of creating whatever stories we’ve previously heard about who LeBron’s father is so that she could capitalize on the mystery of the subject. Because telling everyone she was 15 and getting down with 29-year olds to the tune of, “Hey look, I’m preggers” isn’t exactly a Hollywood tale. Unless you’re getting Angelina Jolie to star.

Who’s that hiding in my bushes, TMZ:
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