While most 7-month old babies are still trying to understand colors, shapes, people and why Miley Cyrus was named the hottest woman in the world by Maxim, an Australian boy named Ryder is already well on his way to becoming the next great water skiing champion. And sure, I have no clue if water skiing even has champions, but it’s just nice to see some parents being proactive in their baby’s development and not doing stupid things like “waiting for him to grow up” before introducing him to extreme sports.

Now, some people obviously disagree with someone as young as Ryder being placed on a makeshift set of water skis while his father pulls him through shallow water as a means of introducing him to the basics of water skiing. Those people cite silly things like “logic” and “common sense” and “child endangerment” and “life-threatening conditions” while arguing that a 7-month old shouldn’t be water skiing.

But those critics and backseat parents will all eat their words in two years when this kid is dating Madonna.

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After the Houston Rockets defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder 107-100 on Wednesday to cut the latter’s series lead to one game, the CSN Houston postgame show offered us possibly the best highlight from the first round of the NBA Playoffs. Well, at least the best highlight that doesn’t involve JR Smith dancing in front of a giddy Louis CK.

Co-hosts Chet Bongwater and Calvin Swissbeaver offered their viewers the scoop on something something blah blah blah – HOLY SH*T is that a baby? Yes, it is, and that baby is suddenly the star of an NBA Playoffs first round that has been defined by depressing injuries and benchwarmers picking fights with stars.

While we don’t know what happened next, I’ll assume that the baby’s mom showed up to take care of the situation, before calling Shawn Kemp and demanding that he handle his share of the parenting.

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Sorry, wrong photo. I think.

But no, seriously, what did you have for breakfast this morning? I had waffles and a cup of coffee. At no point today did I turn to a loved one and say, “hey, you know what would be awesome? If I beheaded something and ate that thing’s head. No, I don’t mean using parts of its head to make a meal, I would literally like to eat its entire head.”

As you may have gathered from the headline, UFC’s Conor McGregor thought that, and here he is eating a sheep’s entire head. According to the comments at Middle Easy, the cheek and tongue are delicious. I’m guessing they’re extra delicious if you have to detach them from a skull before swallowing.

Here’s the head:

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One of the reasons that social media sucks is because people think that their friends actually want to see pictures of their kids. Sites like Facebook and Twitter were actually created as platforms for people to post pictures and videos of animals dressed as humans; however, they’ve been largely hijacked by people with stupid, smelly children that give nothing back to society. Those kids need to get off their asses, learn how to speak (English preferably), go outside and GET JOBS.

But some parents actually make their dumb, booger children enjoyable, and one of those parents is UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon “Bones” Jones. Jones became a father for the third time, as his daughter Olivia was born yesterday morning. Naturally, Jones Tweeted through most of the ordeal, as his significant other, Jessie Moses*, popped out their third daughter in one push.

According to Jones, in the most Jon Jones way imaginable, little Olivia is doing just fine.

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Behold TITUS, the child who renders all other trick shots videos useless with BABY TRICK SHOTS.

Amazing shots from a kid (Titus) between 18 and 24 months old. He began shooting baskets shortly after learning to walk, we started filming some, and then got totally carried away.

This got like, 700,000 views between when I went to bed and when I woke up, so enjoy it, if you haven’t already. (h/t to Ryan Leary)

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Links

Come At Us, Bro: 15 Reasons Why It’s OK To Like Robin Williams |UPROXX|

Jennifer Love Hewitt Continues To Promote ‘The Client List’ By Singing In Her Underpants |Warming Glow|

Commercial Breakdown: The ‘Fast & Furious 6′ Super Bowl Ad |Film Drunk|

Scotland Has Pole Dancing In Its Libraries Because It’s A Wonderful Country |With Leather|

Hobbit Holes, You Know, For Kids: A Company In Maine Will Build You A Real Hobbit House |Gamma Squad|

COUGARS: And Another Six 50-Year Old Women More F*ckworthy Than Madonna |Smoking Section|

The KSK Guide To Surviving The Off-Season |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Pretty sweet baby bed.

With the future of the 2012-13 NHL season still in peril, it’s a relative certainty that teams will undoubtedly have to work harder than ever to retain fans when and if the lockout ever ends. For instance, according to my team of hard-working researchers and tireless fact checkers, the NHL lost approximately 8 billion fans after the last lockout in 2004-05, and that was in addition to the 6 trillion fans it lost in 1994-95.

But now, in news completely unrelated to those absurd figures that I just made up, at least one team is taking precautions to ensure fan retention by implanting microchips in your newborn child’s brains that will be activated when they’re old enough to cheer for blood. Or something like that.

Babies born in Buffalo are already pretty likely to be raised as Buffalo Sabres fans. The hockey team’s taking no chances, though.

Beginning in 2013, newborns at two hospitals will go home with a Buffalo Sabres baby blanket and a certificate from Sabres owner Terry Pegula.

Sabres President Ted Black says the program is a way to welcome the community’s newest additions while perhaps planting a seed of passion for the game. (Via WHEC News 10)

Not to be outdone, Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson and CEO Russ Brandon will actually let your newborn child coach the team in 2013. Hell, chances are that even a baby could run CJ Spiller more than 12 times per game.

And since we haven’t had any actual hockey action to speak of, let’s revisit the most important hockey video ever made…

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