Would you like to watch a video of a big panda wrestling around with a little one? If I told you that the big panda pulls off a sweet German suplex (pictured, right) would you want to watch it more?
I ran the YouTube description through Google Translate, and this is what it gave me:
March 11, 2013. Beach has excellent outdoor debut. Good beaches to chase the excellent beach.
I don’t speak Chinese, but I’m gonna guess the words for “panda” and “beach” are pretty similar. Panda has excellent outdoor debut! Good pandas to chase the excellent panda. That makes more sense, right? Because that big panda is good, but the baby panda is excellent. He also need to watch out for the big panda’s sick gutwrench.
More than 28,000 dogs were delivered to Birmingham, England this past weekend by their overzealous, coddling owners for the 121st annual Crufts international dog show to determine the world’s ultimate dog on the grandest stage. Recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the biggest dog show in the world, Crufts features a variety of events, but most notably allows judges to determine the best example of each breed in the competition before ultimately choosing the Best in Show. A tough job, but I would gladly take it, pro bono.
This year’s Best in Show honor was awarded to Elizabeth (above), a 7-year old Lhasa Apso from Coventry, England, while the reserve title – should Elizabeth be caught eating her own poop and lose her crown – was given to a 3-year old Newfoundland named Brutus. And some other dogs probably won some other awards, but there were more than 28,000 of them and instead of listing them I would much rather point at them and gush, “Awwwww, who’s a good widdle champion? You are! Yes you are!”
Louis C.K’s New, New Testament: 20 Commandments to Live By - “When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” [Warming Glow]
ROFLMNBAO: Kobe’s Black Mask, 2012-2012 - If you missed yesterday’s feature, you missed out on Kobe as the Hamburglar. That’s not a thing you should be missing. [With Leather]
Topher Grace (Yes, That Topher Grace) Just Vastly Improved The Star Wars Prequels - The best part of this is knowing that no matter how complex a nerd might be, he’s still got the guy with glasses in this video to make him look bad. [Gamma Squad]
Dear David Stern, Stare Downs Aren’t Worth Techs - They should start giving technical fouls for “being excited” and make everyone play with their arms down to their sides. [Smoking Section]
What The Hell Is All This ‘#Kony2012′ Crap About? - It’s a viral ad campaign to get my teenage cousin super into defending the planet against monsters, at least until next week when she forgets she learned about it. [UPROXX]
Elderly Viral Phenom Completely Flummoxed By Her Sudden Internet Fame - I read about this lady. Columns were made available to suit my pleasure. It enjoyed them. They were great and nice. [UPROXX]
‘Lone Ranger’ First Look: Johnny Depp Is Wearing A Birdhat - Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are in some kind of contest to see which one can be declared a minority first, aren’t they? [Film Drunk]
Matches We Loved 2011: Part II - If you read part one, THIS one actually features me. My match features wardrobe malfunctions, but not the ones you’re imagining. [DirtyDirtySheets]
Coors Is Going To Start Making Iced Tea Flavored Beer - Great, another disgusting thing for me to not drink! [Buzzfeed]
Rush Limbaugh vs. Inspirational Feminist Quotes - The next time anyone (“right” or “left”) says something inflammatory to get publicity, we should say, “whatever, you’re paid by people to be inflammatory and get publicity, we’re ignoring you”, put them in a box, ship them to Siberia and move the hell on. [HuffPost Comedy]
10 Weirdest ‘Animals Eating Themselves’ Pictures Ever - Nothing makes that pork chop taste better than imagining the pig happily slaughtering itself! [The FW]
Ten Actors We Wish Were More Talented Than They Are - This list really does begin and end with Alexis Bledel. I’d also put Aly Michalka on here, because ‘Phil of the Future’ was great. [Pajiba]
Our 10 Favorite Adam Sandler Leading Ladies in Movies - #1-10: Jill. #11, whoever was in Little Nicky. [Unreality]
I don’t blame him for loving Nikola Pekovic (his Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? Rockapella parody made him my favorite Timberwolf, too) or for the preciously affected way he named his pet. In retrospect I wish I’d named my hamster “Tim Hardaway” when I was younger instead of going for a dumb pun*.
And hey, with his aptitude at pronouncing “Nikola Pekovic” and signature sign-off, he’s ready for on-air duties about 35-years ahead of schedule. He’s probably already better at math than Martel Webster: