As if Aremenian boy barfight MMA wasn’t bad enough, today’s big mainstream news story tackles the next step down on the boyfighting evolutionary ladder … three awful, awful Delaware women were arrested and charged with assault, reckless endangerment, endangering the welfare of a child and conspiracy for organizing what is more or less a toddler fight club. No, seriously. They lined up kids at day care, made them punch each other and taped it with their cell phones.

Here’s the report from CNN, which Nancy Grace has been masturbating to since yesterday afternoon.

Authorities have not released the video but say one day care worker said “No pinching, only punching” after one of the boys complained that the other had pinched him.

The video purportedly shows seven other children seated in the room with their backs to the fighting, according to police.

“It’s not like they didn’t know what was going on, and they were just encouraging them to continue,” [Dover Police Captain] Stump said. “One of the children attempted to run, but one of the teachers pushes him back into the fray.

I don’t know if it’s the rise of Tyler Durden, an increased awareness of dogfighting or too many Pokémon games, but apparently we have to make everything fight everything else now. One of the creepiest parts of the story is that the women made the other kids line up with their backs to the fighting and wait their turn, which is either the most gladiatorial or Blair Witch Project thing I’ve ever heard.

A Division Of Family Services spokesperson says the women “could be prohibited from working in the public sector, especially with children or senior citizens”, because I guess “make them fight each other on camera and then shoot them all into the sun” isn’t something the Division Of Family Services can organize.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the only people who’d be more interested in this than Nancy Grace (Taiwan’s Next Media Animation) have already whipped up a piece about the story. Yes, it contains bloody, slow-motion uppercuts.

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The question posed: If you were holding a beer, how efficiently could you remove a woman’s bra with your free hand? What if she was wearing a dog mask?

To answer the question, Dutch TV enlisted the help of top-ranked UFC monster Alistair Overeem, a man whose hands can do all sorts of unconventional things to women.

He does a fine job of unhooking a line of womens’ bras (while they’re wearing bunny masks, which makes me think this whole thing’s being orchestrated by Sander Cohen) and at the end he rides away on a three-wheeler while “Born To Be Wild” plays. I think a good litmus test for personal worth is to watch the video and note any instances of you thinking, “wow, this is cool!” The only way I can think to explain it is as the gender equivalent of Brock Lesnar murdering prairie dogs with machine guns.

[h/t Rant Sports]

This is one of those stories where there has to be more to it, because honestly, Jesus: Boston Red Sox pitcher John Lackey has filed for divorce from his wife, Krista.

“What’s so bad about that?”, you might ask, assuming it has something to do with her being pretty and him looking like an older, fatter, grosser version of Xander from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”. What’s so bad about that is Krista is currently in the middle of a battle with breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy back in March and was in chemo as recently as June. Keeping all of that in mind, please read John’s reason for divorce, courtesy of TMZ:

Lackey filed on August 30, according to court docs in Texas, claiming “the marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities.” Krista and John got married in November, 2008.

The divorce petition says John and Krista had a prenup. It also says Lackey has “separate property” he wants to keep for himself.

See what I mean about hoping there’s more to it? We don’t know the specifics of what went down between the two and chemo is rough; it is literally poison and can change the way your brain works. Everything you read about this is going to be designed from the headline down to make Lackey look like a piece of sh*t, and with good reason — if it turns out his “conflict of personality” was Krista being a dying wife and John not wanting to deal with it, yeah, he should get tossed in that John Edwards and Newt Gingrich pile of irreparable douchebags who never deserved a wife in the first place. If it turns out that these are three dimensional people going through the same problems as everyone else … well, Jesus, there’s really no way out, is there?

Here’s to hoping breast cancer had nothing to do with it, and Krista divorced him because he couldn’t keep his ERA under six.

Considering that I had not the slightest idea the ABA still existed, this story came as a shock to me, and is certainly more interesting than hearing more Jim Harbaugh rumors. I’ve heard that Harbaugh’s 8 feet tall and owns a diamond mine in Sierra Leone. And now those are rumors, because you’ve heard them too.

Anywho, the Jacksonville Giants played the Georgia Gwizzlies (no, I’m not trying to phonetically write a hilarious speech impediment, that’s their actual name) in a game that was over at halftime, with he score 94-46 in favor of Jacksonville. This article’s halftime adjustments are courtesy of jacksonville.com.

The Georgia Gwizzlies got lost on the way to the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena, delaying the start of Sunday night’s ABA game by one hour. Once they made it to the arena, the Gwizzlies seemed lost on the court as well.

The Giants dominated Georgia, 205-102, breaking their own record for points in a game set earlier this season. Jacksonville’s full-court press and fast-paced offense led to a 47-31 lead at the end of the first quarter.

The Giants kept the pressure on the Gwizzlies, and with every turnover, Jacksonville responded with a fast break and an easy basket. Jacksonville went on a 12-0 run midway through the second to open up a 68-33 lead, and by halftime led 94-46. –jacksonville.com

I don’t even think the Heat could score 205 points playing against my high school team. What kind of locker room adjustments do you make after giving up 94 points in the first half? “Play some damn defense, or you won’t get paid” would be the best bet, but I can’t imagine that the Georgia Gwizzlies get paid at all. I have no idea who their owner is, or if they even have an owner, but I know that sound financial investments like buying an ABA team are the key to getting our country’s economy back on track.

A gripe I’ve always heard from those who aren’t as fond of the NBA as I am is that players don’t take the regular season very seriously. Unfortunately, many of these complaints are validated when guys mail it in like Andray Blatche did last night in an 87-80 loss to Chicago.

If you’re a fan of perpetually awful teams like I am, you sometimes delude yourself into believing that your team isn’t that terrible. But when you watch one of your star players, who would warm the bench on a contender, make the laziest play you’ve ever seen, you feel pretty miserable. So miserable, in fact, you start to reassess a lot of the decisions you’ve made throughout your life. Then you start drinking heavily. Bills fans know where I’m coming from. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »