I didn’t know who Carlos Tevez was, even though he plays for arguably the most famous fútbol club in the world. So maybe it was to his benefit that he bought himself a $225,000 Bentley–and then had it promptly seized by police.

Argentinian striker Tevez, 25, was pulled over while driving to the training ground on the M60 because his windows were too heavily tinted.

Officers then found he did not have a full UK licence. Tevez could now be charged.

Police took the £150,000 white car to a compound because he had no one to drive it home.

Yeah, so the guy buys a car he’s not legally allowed to drive. Nothing to make fun of there. Except for this photoshop, which I don’t really understand. Is he in the car? Or did he stick a Fathead of himself on the hood? I don’t get it, either, but I’m sure in Britian this sort of thing is hilarious.
[The Sun]

Cardinals running back Edgerrin James, the fading star who will gain 32 yards on 15 carries this Sunday, celebrated Super Bowl week in style: he bought a new Lamborghini for himself (pictured).  Cardinals blogger Darren Urban writes:

I made the mistake – because I thought I had seen something written about Edge renting the Lamborghini – of asking Edge if he bought or rented.

“Cash, straight out the door!” Edge told me, before considering that I even had to ask the question. So a few seconds later, Edge, walking with some of his teammates, expressed his incredulity. “Hey, Urb wanted to know if I rented!” Edge bellowed. “I only rent tents and bouncehouses.”

Well, I guess that’s better than pitching tents at whorehouses.  The “rentals” there can get awfully expensive.

[Fanster via Yardbarker]

No matter how many times you read stories about people’s cars burning at stadium parking lots because they parked on top of burning coals, people still go to stadium parking lots and park over burning coals. And shockingly, their cars burn. And sometimes, if you’ve been good little boys and girls, Santa makes sure that one of those cars is a Porsche. Ever met a likable person with a Porsche? Me neither.

Anyway, after the Giants played like ass and lost on Sunday, some drunk Giants decided to make the most of the situation by attacking a couple of the destroyed vehicles with an aluminum bat and their sneaker-adorned feet of fury. I can’t decide if this is the most rational reaction possible or the biggest display of drunken douchebaggery in recent history. The video evidence definitely suggests the latter, though.

More Porsche destruction after the jump, courtesy The 700 Level (times two).

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Manchester United star/prostitute aficionado Cristiano Ronaldo was driving from Manchester Airport when he totaled his $300,000 Ferrari.  Somewhat less importantly, Ronaldo was unharmed.  No other cars were involved, it was 10:00 in the morning, and the only “road condition” of note is that he was driving in a tunnel.  In other words, he drives like a sixteen-year-old Valley girl.

A witness said: “The front of Ronaldo’s car was completely mangled. There was metal all over the road and debris – and we had to dodge our way through it. Ronaldo was just standing at the side of the road looking forlorn and bewildered.

“My daughter said to me, ‘Oh my God – that’s Cristiano Ronaldo!’ It’s amazing he was okay because his car looked so bad.”

I just hate it when bad things happen to responsible, respectful role models like Cristiano Ronaldo.  Do you have any idea how much this must affect him?  Three hundred thousand dollars is his hooker budget for two whole months!

(Also: SCP / WWTDD – UPDATE: another photo here)

Danica Patrick has a January court date in Arizona after she was ticketed for speeding earlier this month.  From TMZ:

Cops confirm Patrick was busted earlier this month in Scottsdale, Ariz. for driving 54 in a 35 — 19 over the speed limit — which bested her last run-in with the fuzz where she was going 57 in a 40 — only 17 over. [Ed. note: Thanks for doing the math for us, jackasses]

This couldn’t possibly be a lamer story.  Like, couldn’t it at least be a school zone?  Or 40 mph faster?  Can’t she offer the cop sexual favors?  Side-swipe a pregnant lady?  You’re killin’ me, Danica.  I even had to go looking for other pictures of her because I was tired of using the boring white swimsuit ones from her SI shoot.  They’re from the 2008 Espys, and her hair looks like shit.  Great teeth though.  Is this day over yet?

Note to Sprint: yes to corporate bikinis, no to corporate firesuits

So… yeah.  I’ve gotten so used to not covering NASCAR that I didn’t spend a single word on Jimmie Johnson’s third consecutive Sprint Cup victory.  He’s the only driver to win three straight Sprint Cups, although noted badass Cale Yarborough once won three straight Winston Cups, and I’m told that’s the same thing, even if you can’t smoke cellular phone service.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

Anyway, I can see people are getting upset because stock cars aren’t hybrids, so we’ll just go to the video.  After the jump, Jimmie reacts to a commentator asking him how he’s going to get it up.  Er, next year!  Wait, that came out wrong. He just wants to know about your erection — DAMMIT!

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