Jeffrey Earnhardt, grandson of “The Intimidator” Dale Earnhardt and nephew of “Not As Intimidating But He’s In Jeans Commercials” Dale Earnhardt, Jr., races on the Rolex Sports Car Series and the NASCAR Nationwide Series. Starting this Tuesday, he’s pulling a Bo Jackson and becoming a two-sport athlete: Jeffrey (or as I like to call him, “Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.*”) is fighting at Fight Lab 25 in Charlotte, N.C. as an amateur, going up against bantamweight competitor Chris Faison.

We’re about to have an Earnhardt in MMA. Why, you ask? Because people don’t think driving is a real sport. Jeff is hoping to validate the athleticism of stock car racing by being athletic in a way that has nothing to do with stock cars or racing. No, really!

“A lot of people don’t see race car athletes as true athletes … They don’t think we’re capable of doing anything other than sitting in a car and driving in a circle. A lot of people don’t understand the reality of it. This is an opportunity to prove to people that race car drivers are athletes. It’s a lot harder than people realize. Hopefully this MMA fight will help people realize that, and that we can hold our own as athletes.” (via MMA Fighting)

I’m sure there are accountants out there that do CrossFit and could rip my arms off, that doesn’t mean accounting is a sport. And hey, just because fighting is a sport doesn’t mean everyone who does it is an athlete. I’m a blogger and I could probably knock out Bob Sapp.

Regardless of his intent, I’ll be watching. I’m pretty excited for a guy who smiles like that to enter the world of punching.

Whenever I get low on The American Spirit, I can always count on Fark and the fine men and other men of ESPN NASCAR to dip said spirit in flour, deep fry it and shove it down my throat. In fact, that’s happened so many times now that my ass has expanded exponentially, and, having lost the ability to stand, I now require a broader seat upon which to rest my shame.

Good news, everyone!

Dover International Speedway in Delaware is hoping to make race fans’ experience a little more comfortable by widening seats in the track’s outdoor grandstands.

The speedway announced Thursday that the process of increasing seats from 18 inches to 22 inches will start next year and will be complete by 2014.

Denis McGlynn, president and CEO of Dover Motorsports, says the widening comes in response to fans’ suggestions. The change will reduce the capacity of the speedway from 140,000 to 113,000.

I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of vegan options at Dover International Speedway.

Before this post becomes too much of a fat wank, there are other explanations … namely, a 30,000 seat downshift helps compensate for declining attendance figures and make the track look more full, and the reality that even slimmer fans could use more leg room, especially when they’re wearing scanners or Jncos or enormous belt buckles. I just love that they’re widening the seats because of “fans’ suggestions”, like some 600 pound lady spent 40 minutes writing “wider seats” on a comment card before passing out and having the wind pick it up and carry it to the suggestion box. If I went to the speedway my suggestions would be “obstacles” and possibly “make it so the cars shoot turtle shells at each other”.

In today’s hottest “NASCAR driver might not have a great perspective on the world” news, driver Kasey Kahne offended every single human woman on Twitter when he saw a lady breastfeeding her child at the grocery store and jumped on the Internet to complain about it.

At first you’re like, “maybe he just turned out of the dog food aisle and suddenly there was a tit”, which is reasonably jarring.

But then … no, he was disgusted by it. He was disgusted by what he saw your body doing.

Yeah, you stupid bitch, how is he supposed to buy saltines and Mountain Dew and whatever else it is NASCAR drivers eat now? Unfortunately the expository tweet between the two was deleted, but if you need to know exactly what transported him from Kroger to Barf’s Burgers:

One boob put away and one boob hanging!!! #nasty

So it wasn’t a social thing, and it wasn’t that he felt surprised by what he was seeing or thought breastfeeding should be done in a more private place — he was literally made sick to his stomach by the sight of a breast. Both boobs covered (“put away”) is cool, and both boobs hanging is acceptable, but one in and one out? You might as well be 2 Girls 1 Cupping it in the checkout line. In all seriousness, the image of a bunch of women walking around the grocery store in Andre the Giant singlets is hilarious. Also in seriousness, f**k this guy.

In case you were wondering, yes, he did the Social Media Abusing Athlete Walk Of Shame:

I understand that my comments regarding breastfeeding posted on Twitter were offensive to some people. For that, I apologize. It was in no way my intention to offend any mother who chooses to breastfeed her child, or, for that matter, anyone who supports breast feeding children. I want to make that clear.

In all honestly, I was surprised by what I saw in a grocery store. I shared that reaction with my fans on Twitter. It obviously wasn’t the correct approach, and, after reading your feedback, I now have a better understanding of why my posts upset some of you.

My comments were not directed at the mother’s right to breastfeed. They were just a reaction to the location of that choice, and the fashion in which it was executed on that occasion.

I respect the mother’s right to feed her child whenever and wherever she pleases.

Kasey Kahne

I guess “I respect women and understand the complexity of motherhood” is what he meant by #nasty.

I’m not much of a rally car racing fan, as I’m more into drifting my Civic while I wear a sleeveless mesh shirt and listen to P.O.D., but one thing I do love is a good car crash. In this case, the crash in question occurred during a recent Mont Blanc race, as a French driver lost control of his car, sending himself and his navigator off the side of a cliff. Thankfully, there was a camera inside the car to show us the glorious results.

At the end of the video, you can hear one of them ask the other, “Ca vas?” That means, “Are you OK?” And the other guy probably responded something like: “Je pooped mes pantalons.”

Video after the jump…

(Via Kontraband)

Bayne, making only his second Sprint Cup start, drove a near mistake-free race in a fast car but also benefited from attrition on a day in which Daytona 500 records were set for lead changes (74), different leaders (22) and caution flags (16) and matched for most caution laps (60).

By the time Bayne led the leaders to the line on a second attempt at a green-white-checkered finish, most of the favorites were either in the garage or had damaged race cars – the blame going, in part, to the risky two-car draft hookups that were made possible on Daytona’s $20 million new pavement.

–Tampa Trib.

So that “racing three-wide” stuff was either a really good or really bad idea, depending on how much you like guys winning races in only their second Sprint Cup start ever. Bayne was just ten years old when Dale Earnhardt was involved in a fatal crash in Daytona a decade ago, and he’s the sports newest star…at least until IBM creates a computer that can race with the best. It can’t do any worse than Danica Patrick.

Complete Daytona 500 Results:

FIN	ST	CAR	DRIVER	MAKE	SPONSOR	PTS/BNS	LAPS	STATUS
1	32	21	Trevor Bayne	Ford	Motorcraft / Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center	0	208	Running
2	22	99	Carl Edwards	Ford	Aflac	42/0	208	Running
3	39	34	David Gilliland	Ford	Taco Bell	41/0	208	Running
4	31	47	Bobby Labonte	Toyota	Kroger / USO	41/1	208	Running
5	3	22	Kurt Busch	Dodge	Shell / Pennzoil	40/1	208	Running
6	13	42	Juan Montoya	Chevrolet	Target	39/1	208	Running
7	5	78	Regan Smith	Chevrolet	Furniture Row Companies	38/1	208	Running
8	10	18	Kyle Busch	Toyota	M&M’s	37/1	208	Running
9	19	27	Paul Menard	Chevrolet	Peak / Menards	36/1	208	Running
10	17	5	Mark Martin	Chevrolet	GoDaddy.com	34/0	208	Running
11	15	43	A.J. Allmendinger	Ford	Best Buy	34/1	208	Running
12	29	09	Bill Elliott	Chevrolet	Security Bene fit / Rydex / Billboard.com	32/0	208	Running
13	25	14	Tony Stewart	Chevrolet	Office Depot / Mobil 1	31/0	208	Running
14	34	6	David Ragan	Ford	UPS “We Love Logistics”	31/1	208	Running
15	43	32	Terry Labonte	Ford	U.S. Chrome	30/1	208	Running
16	30	7	Robby Gordon	Dodge	Speed Energy	29/1	208	Running
17	6	33	Clint Bowyer	Chevrolet	Cheerios / Hamburger Helper	28/1	208	Running
18	14	1	Jamie McMurray	Chevrolet	Bass Pro Shops / Tracker	27/1	208	Running
19	20	56	Martin Truex Jr.	Toyota	NAPA Auto Parts	26/1	208	Running
20	36	77	Steve Wallace	Toyota	5-Hour Energy	0	208	Running
21	18	11	Denny Hamlin	Toyota	FedEx Express	24/1	207	Running
22	21	39	Ryan Newman	Chevrolet	U.S. Army	24/2	206	Running
23	38	20	Joey Logano	Toyota	The Home Depot	21/0	206	Running
24	1	88	Dale Earnhardt Jr.	Chevrolet	Amp Energy / National Guard	21/1	202	Accident
25	11	4	Kasey Kahne	Toyota	Red Bull	19/0	199	Running
26	42	36	Dave Blaney	Chevrolet	Golden Corral	19/1	198	Accident
27	23	48	Jimmie Johnson	Chevrolet	Lowe’s / Kobalt Tools	17/0	189	Running
28	2	24	Jeff Gordon	Chevrolet	Drive to End Hunger	17/1	173	Running
29	16	2	Brad Keselowski	Dodge	Miller Lite	16/1	166	Accident
30	24	00	David Reutimann	Toyota	Aaron’s Dream Machine	14/0	164	Running
31	27	83	Brian Vickers	Toyota	Red Bull	13/0	160	Running
32	40	38	Travis Kvapil	Ford	Long John Silver’s	0	153	Accident
33	37	71	Andy Lally *	Chevrolet	Super Eco-Fuel Saver	11/0	149	Running
34	9	17	Matt Kenseth	Ford	Crown Royal Black	10/0	133	Accident
35	26	16	Greg Biffle	Ford	3M	9/0	126	Accident
36	4	31	Jeff Burton	Chevrolet	Caterpillar	9/1	92	Engine
37	35	9	Marcos Ambrose	Ford	Stanley	7/0	82	Running
38	28	37	Robert Richardson Jr.	Ford	North Texas Pipe	0	45	Accident
39	41	87	Joe Nemechek	Toyota	AM FM Energy	0	29	Accident
40	8	115	Michael Waltrip	Toyota	NAPA Auto Parts	4/0	28	Accident
41	12	192	Brian Keselowski*	Dodge	K-Automotive Motorsports	3/0	28	Accident
42	7	29	Kevin Harvick	Chevrolet	Budweiser	3/1	22	Engine
43	33	46	J.J. Yeley	Chevrolet	Red Line Oil	1/0	10	Engine

Do you remember the classic racing video game Wipeout? Me neither, but these German kids do, and they built what might be the greatest carboard homage to pixelated playtime ever: a scale cardboard replica of the entire racetrack. Why is it that the Germans never seem to have enough to do with themselves?

But if the replica isn’t impressive enough, there’s the cabinet that serves as the cockpit that controls a camera equipped car through the course. Apparently Germans have no computers to design these games for themselves, but instead must develop these concepts on a real life scale. I hope they do Dig Dug next. That seems like a better conduit for Darwinism to happen. –via Jalopnik.

I wondered what the point of Europe’s Formula Two was, but my questions have been answered. I didn’t realize that these races were taking place in midair, but it’s a pleasant surprise. I would expect Formula Three to include submarines and maybe some depth charges. Everything’s better with depth charges. Video’s after the jump. via From The Marbles.

Here’s a crane shot of the madness.

British racing driver Henry Surtees was killed Sunday during a Formula Two race when a stray tire coming loose from a separate wreck bounced onto the track and collided with his head. Henry, who was 18, died instantly.

“Henry had followed his heart from the time he first sat in a kart,” said [John Surtees,] the 1964 Formula One world champion. “He treated seriously the balance between motorsport and school, having just finished his A-levels. The world beckoned and he was thriving on the freedom to concentrate on his motorsport.

Johnathan Palmer, chief executive of MotorSport Vision:

“On Sunday morning my 18 year-old son, Jolyon, and Henry were sat together, amidst all the F2 drivers, joking and signing autographs for fans. In the afternoon race Henry was just half a second or so behind Jolyon, trying to move forward after an earlier spin. As they both dived down towards Sheene, the bouncing wheel just missed Jolyon, but hit Henry, who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. via.”

Video of the original crash and Surtees’ collision with the tire was captured on video, which has been posted after the jump for viewing at your discretion. I didn’t post this to bum everyone out as much as recognize an athlete who was taken from us too soon. And I guess this is where I’d say something profound about the frailty of life or offer sympathy that too often comes off as emotionally empty rhetoric. But this is truly sad.

I was pretty disappointed that with David Carradine’s untimely stanglebation suicide over the weekend (or whatever it was) that there wasn’t more attention given to Carradine’s Ulysses, the dystopic cult classic Death Race 2000. The Transcontinental Road Race was the national sport in the canon of the film, where the drivers ran over pedestrians for points. Carradine’s Mr. Frankenstein, a cyborg that may have been a precursor to George Lucas’ Darth Vader, could allegedly shift gears in 1/20th of a second. And no one had ever seen his face. Except for his navigators. Who are all dead.

Death Race 2000 was released in 1975 and was clearly ahead of its time. The whole film was in pieces on YouTube at one point, but it appears to have been pulled. But you can see Carradine tonight on FOX’s show, Mental, which is probably a terrible show, yet suddenly semi-significant now that Carradine is up in that big Thai whorehouse in the sky…

Indy racer Danica Patrick is in the Swimsuit Issue for the second consecutive year, and this year’s spread is way way better than last year’s.  Last year she was crawling out of a firesuit on a beach and wearing a bland white bikini.  Now they’ve got her all glammed up, wearing a fancy bikini and high heels while she’s draped across a sports car.  Science says that high heels and fast cars make any photo shoot 50% sexier, and science is never wrong.  Science also says she could have gotten the extra 50% if she were pictured eating fruit provocatively and submerging herself in a tub of motor oil.  Eh, maybe next year.