Back in July, With Leather created an Internet maelstrom (or “malestrom”) of guys furiously GIFfing and watermarking pictures of Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke. The clip of her infectiously smiling and dancing before owning heat 2 of the Women’s 100 metres hurdles at the 14th IAAF World Junior Championships in Barcelona went nuclear, we were called perverts by everyone from the UK Daily Mail to Yahoo!, and it ultimately led to Michelle getting offers to pose nude by … basically everybody.

What it never led to was Michelle Jenneke hanging out with us, playing video games with us or sharing pancakes. Or crying at Up. Or any of the things that were special and rightfully ours.

Somehow, theChive had the connections to live our dreams. I guess UPROXX was too busy not fulfilling our dreams and let this one slip through the cracks. Anyway, I am now officially Forever Alone, and you can watch this clip of people I don’t know palling around with a lady I don’t know and ruining my life.

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The Melbourne Cup, for those unaware (and climb out of your hole already), is Australia’s biggest annual horse race, so it’s a lot like whatever those horse races that people pretend to like here in America. And much like the fancy pants Americans (and soiled frat boys) who attend those races, people in Australia like to get dressed up and hit the Melbourne Cup, because it is the place to be seen by the biggest names in elite Aussies, like Paul Hogan and Hugh Jackman, I assume.

This year’s big winner was Green Moon and rider Brett Prebble, as the 2012 Cup featured the event’s highest prize money amount yet at $6.2 million. But nobody really cares about that today, because all anyone can talk about is the babe in the blue dress and why she wanted to kick everyone’s ass. I’ve included two videos after the jump, but please be aware that kicking everyone’s ass denotes violence, and there is at least one underwear crotch shot.

What I mean is that these videos were made with us in mind.

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You may want to sit down for this news, because it will blow your mind, but apparently Kobe Bryant is trying to get laid again. And at the 2012 Summer Olympics of all places. I mean, the Olympics should be a sacred gathering of the world’s greatest athletes and showcase their talents and determination. But I guess things are bound to get a little screwy – pun originally not intended, but what the hell – when you have companies like Durex practically begging athletes to throw on a raincoat and get down.

As for Bryant, he’s now being called out by Australian women’s hoopster Liz Cambage and Australian swimmer Craig Stevens for trying to get down with Australia’s three-time gold medalist swimmer Stephanie Rice. Cambage Tweeted that Bryant was being a little too friendly with the ladies during these games and pointed out that it might not make his wife, Vanessa, very happy, but she later denied that she was referring to Rice. Stevens, though, just flat out called them on their freaky deaky.

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As you might’ve guessed, I get my Olympics updates exclusively from Samuel L. Jackson and Taiwan’s Next Media Animation, and so far I know more than I ever expected to about MUGGAFUQQUAHS and panda bears shooting up Chinese swimmers with comically-oversized steroid needles.

Today’s offering from Carol and whoever else is a beautifully animated recap of the Olympics feud between Australia and their “former colonial masters” Great Britain. Predictably enough, Australia’s not good at the Olympics because they’re too busy catching Fosters cans with boomerangs, having sex with sheep and letting dingoes run away with their babies. But hell, I don’t want to spoil it all for you.

Check out the video below:

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Yesterday afternoon we shared with you the video of 19-year old Australian track and field star Michelle Jenneke winning the 100m hurdles at the 14th IAAF World Junior Championships in Barcelona, and while that in itself is not necessarily the recipe for viral video success, a beautiful woman go-go dancing before destroying everybody at hurdles is. The video was quickly taken down (because even track and field doesn’t think you should watch track and field) but just as quickly replaced with dance music and slow motion versions.

Yes, here’s the slow motion version:

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IMPORTANT EDIT: If you’re seeing this for the first time, make sure to also check out our unnecessarily thorough follow-up, featuring GIFs, every picture we could find and some slow motion video. It’s EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke won heat 2 of the Women’s 100 metres hurdles at the 14th IAAF World Junior Championships in Barcelona over the weekend, and if you watch the following video closely you’ll take away three major observations:

1. Michelle Jenneke is good at hurdles.
2. Michelle Jenneke is smoking hot.
3. Michelle Jenneke is the only thing your brain will let you think of when Michelle Jenneke is dancing.

While everyone else is stretching out and concentrating, Michelle starts go-go dancing. The announcers mention how she’s “certainly having fun”, and then she kills everybody at the hurdles. When she wins, she hugs everyone and waves at the crowd.

If you watch this clip and don’t love Michelle Jenneke, please consult your physician.

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