This Water Skiing Baby Is The Internet’s Newest Superstar Athlete

Written by Ashley Burns / 05.07.13

While most 7-month old babies are still trying to understand colors, shapes, people and why Miley Cyrus was named the hottest woman in the world by Maxim, an Australian boy named Ryder is already well on his way to becoming the next great water skiing champion. And sure, I have no clue if water skiing even has champions, but it’s just nice to see some parents being proactive in their baby’s development and not doing stupid things like “waiting for him to grow up” before introducing him to extreme sports.

Now, some people obviously disagree with someone as young as Ryder being placed on a makeshift set of water skis while his father pulls him through shallow water as a means of introducing him to the basics of water skiing. Those people cite silly things like “logic” and “common sense” and “child endangerment” and “life-threatening conditions” while arguing that a 7-month old shouldn’t be water skiing.

But those critics and backseat parents will all eat their words in two years when this kid is dating Madonna.

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This Picture Of Adam Scott At The Masters Is Awesome, But Let’s Make It Better

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.15.13

Adam Scott winning the Masters with an incredible putt in an intense playoff was great for several reasons:

  1. He’s the first Australian to ever win the Masters, so his green jacket is a massive relief to golf fans in Britain’s former penal colony*.
  2. Whenever he wins, people incorrectly Tweet at actor Adam Scott, and that must be funny, because he’s all, “Why are people Tweeting at me about golf? Oh, because we have the same name.” It’s like when someone named Ashley Burns won on Wheel of Fortune and my ex-wives were like, “HALF!” Suckers.
  3. Because I could have potentially won several hundred pieces of paper had Angel Cabrera won, and I need to be reminded that gambling is wrong. You know, if I had been gambling, which I wasn’t.
  4. Tiger Woods not winning means we weren’t buried in an avalanche of “Tiger should have withdrawn!” columns from contrarian sports writers who weren’t at Augusta and wouldn’t even write about golf if it weren’t for Tiger.
  5. That picture above.

Man, that photo of Scott taking in the moment is the cat’s pajamas, as my grandfather would have said in a strip club. But Scott deserves better in his big moment, so I decided to fancy up his glorious photo a little with the help of some photoshop. I bet you can’t even tell that I made changes.

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Where The Deer And The Antelope Play/Wreck Your Bike/Nearly Kill You

Written by Brandon Stroud / 03.21.13

Robert Mennen is an Australian cyclist just trying to finish stage one of South Africa’s Cape Epic race without running over any antelope at almost 40 mph and almost killing himself. Key word here is “trying.” These races should, I don’t know, build a fence around the route or something if they’re going to bike through the wilderness and don’t want to accidentally slaughter any beasts between point A and point B. (via Reddit)

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Links

Cyclist hits antelopeA GIF Guide To Picking Your Favorite ‘Spring Breaker’ |UPROXX|

He Remembers Me!: The Most Memorable Animal Appearances On ‘Archer’ |Warming Glow|

‘Dead’ deer wakes up in car, runs from cops in real-life Tommy Boy scene |Film Drunk|

Vince McMahon And Dana White Are Definitely Probably Not Going To Fake Fight For Real |With Leather|

The Best (Dumbest) Nerd-Themed ‘YouTube Reacts’ Videos |Gamma Squad|

A Journalist’s Guide To Being The Subject Of A Feature Interview |Smoking Section|

Eli Manning Always Wanted A Spinning Bedroom |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Michelle Jenneke’s Busted Hamstring Is Doing Wonders For Her Instagram

Written by Brandon Stroud / 03.05.13

Michelle Jenneke injured

You remember Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke, right? If you don’t, here’s a quick rundown of her career to date:

1. She went crazy viral last July when we shared a video of her enthusiastically dancing during the Women’s 100 metres hurdles at the 14th IAAF World Junior Championships in Barcelona.
2. The Daily Mail, Bleacher Report and Huffington Post called us perverts for “unapologetically” sharing a slow-motion video of her dancing. You know, that they then shared by talking about how we shared it.
3. The Internet reacted badly, sending her nude photo spread and porn offers.
4. She decides to go hang out with the guys from theCHIVE, which is like a Red Sox player going to New York because they got offered more money.
5. Sports Illustrated gets her to dance in a swimsuit.

Now her time is mostly spent doing radio interviews and talk shows. She’s still trying to hurdle, at least, and recently went down with a hamstring injury. Because she is a young, beautiful person in the year 2013, she’s been chronicling the ailment on Instagram, and if you know anything about the placement of the hamstring, you’ll know that … yeah, it’s just pictures of her butt.

Here’s what she’s posted so far, you* pervert.

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IMPORTANT PERVERT NEWS ALERT: Michelle Jenneke Made A Swimsuit Video For Sports Illustrated

Written by Brandon Stroud / 02.12.13

Michelle Jenneke Sports Illustrated

THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE.

Michelle Jenneke, the contagiously enthusiastic Australian hurdler we made famous last summer who then abandoned us completely to hang out with theCHIVE (like they did anything), is the star of a new Sports Illustrated swimsuit video that is 0% “trying to show people swimsuits” and 100% “LOOK AT MICHELLE JENNEKE IN A SWIMSUIT.”

Highpoint of the clip: Michelle saying that “somehow” the video of her dancing got a lot of hits. YEAH MICHELLE, SOMEHOW.

(Yes, they make her do the dance. Probably 50 times.)
(Video is after the jump.)

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Introducing Australia’s ‘Carbeque’, The Car That Has A BBQ Grill In The Trunk

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.09.13

Want this now, please and thank you.

How many times have you been stuck in traffic after work, listening to nothing but terrible sports talk radio and, even worse, the growls of your hungry stomach? “Man,” you’d think to yourself unless you’re a girl, “What I wouldn’t give to be home right now, sinking my teeth into a juicy steak while my babe tells me how her pole dancing class went.” But all the while, you’d just keep glancing over to the car next to you, wondering why in the hell someone put wood paneling on the side of a f*cking PT Cruiser. Well, what if I told you that you never have to go hungry in your car again?

Thanks to an Australian radio show host named Merrick Watts, the world was given its first “Carbeque” back in November, as the automobile and grilling fanatic combined his two loves to turn the trunk of his 1973 Ford Langau into a full-blown BBQ grill. And to make it all even better, Watts had the car painted and detailed to look just like the “Last of the VB Interceptors” from Mad Max, because why the f*ck wouldn’t you do that?

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