Eva Longoria and Jessica Simpson are both getting hollowed out by Texas sports stars, and that's all the reason Longoria needs to open her mouth and piss me off.  From People:

"When I first started dating Tony (Parker), I got the same flack [sic], and this was so many years ago that people don't remember," Longoria told PEOPLE on Saturday. "If he had a bad game, it was my fault, if he got injured, it was my fault, if he had a good game, it wasn't because of me."

Longoria's advice to her fellow Texan: "You have to weather that for a while, and once people get over it, they kind of get used to you."

I haven't seen revisionist history like this since my third-grade teacher taught us about all the brave pioneers who fought off the murderous Indians.  Let me set Eva straight here: Texans are mad at Jessica because the Cowboys lost.  Texans hate Longoria because she spends Spurs games staring at the JumboTron, waiting for it to show her in the crowd.  And also because she wanders the countryside, killing goats and sucking their blood.  The farmers have had enough.

[sports by brooks] 

I've said my share of bad things about Tony Parker, like how he's a whiny bitch, and how he's a cowardly Frenchman, and how he probably shaves at night just so he can sport his stupid stubble, and how he's a moron for marrying Eva Longoria past her prime, or how she's probably a beard for his gay lifestyle, et cetera.  But I'd be remiss if I didn't clear his "good" name by pointing out that the recent claims of his infidelity by Alexandra Paressant are completely made up, and that she's just about the craziest bitch you can possibly imagine. 

This story from the HuffPo via WWTDD tells you everything you need to know about how awesome it is to be Tony Parker and not have illicit sex with imaginary supermodels.  There's simply too much to quote it all, but it goes like this:

1. None of the sexy pictures on Paressant's MySpace page are of her.  Most are of German model Hana Nitsche.
2. She was previously sued by Brazilian soccer star Ronaldhino, because she is insane and fabricated their entire "relationship."
3. After finding more holes in her story than in Paris Hilton's rectal lining, reporter Dana Kennedy confronted Paressant, and was met with super-crazy denials and more lies.

In conclusion, the imaginary sex Tony Parker had with some made-up broad is probably the closest he's ever come to touching a vagina.

Despite Eva and Tony Longoria's denials that the Spurs point guard had an affair with French model Alexandra Paressant, X17 — which broke the story — has stuck to its guns, claiming Paressant has over 50 text messages from T-Pizzle.  And here's visual evidence of one of those texts.

As you can see, there's a picture of Tony's face, and the message translates from French, roughly, as "Hi."  Pretty incriminating.  When I'm having an affair with a woman, "hi" is one of my most common greetings.  Tony Parker said hi to Alexandra Paressant.  Ergo, Tony Parker had sex with Alexandra Paressant.  Don't try to argue; the logic is flawless.

So why did Alexandra go to X17?

SHE says it's because she found out Tony was cheating on her and NOT with Eva, but yet another woman!!!

In conclusion, models are fucking idiots. 

As we all know, rapping Frenchman/Spurs douche-guard Tony Longoria got married in July to his long-time leash-holder Eva, star of that crappy TV show where all the chicks are old.  No, not Golden Girls.  Older.  Yeah, that one.  And now super-annoying X17 claims that Tony cheated on his new wife… with a woman!  And not just any woman — French supermodel Alexandra Paressant.

Paressant (ex-girlfriend of soccer god Ronaldinho) tells X17 the two carried on a secret relationship for about two months and this was AFTER Eva and Tony's big wedding — in fact, Alex and Tony MET AT EVA AND TONY'S WEDDING!!!

According to Alex, she and Tony were introduced by superstar French soccer player Henry at the huge July 7 nuptials last summer. They exchanged phone calls for a couple months and then saw each other in Paris at the end of September (while Tony was in town to receive the Legion of Honor) and in San Antonio in October. Alex has given X17online samples of what she says are text messages with Tony exchanged at the end of September, just after the two slept together, Alex claims, at the Park Hyatt (where Eva and Tony and their wedding party stayed!).

So, wait.  X17 lost me there.  Are they saying Tony's straight?

Eva Longoria and her wife, Spurs point guard Tony, are back in the States after their French wedding, and now reports are surfacing that they have a sex tape, according to the bastion of journalism that is The Sun.

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby..

Latest reports from the States suggest the video HAS made its way online, but only on paid for sites. Last year Longoria was rumoured to have featured in a sex tape which also made it online, but it was found out to be fake.

This smells like a load of horseshit to me, which is good because the last thing I want to see is Eva Longoria wearing a strap-on and giving it to a French dude.  Why are these two still a story?  Eva is only remotely attractive because she wears gallons of makeup and gets surrounded by a bunch of chicks a decade older than her on some irrelevant show, and Tony is French.  I don't understand.  It's like no one respects our long tradition of anti-French xenophobia any more.

[Blog of Hilarity] — UPDATE: Same story, different joke at WWTDD.

You may remember the Chief referred to Tony Parker's new bride as a "Chupacabra", a mythical blood-sucking beast.  Well, one has been captured near San Antonio:

Phylis Canion lived in Africa for four years. She's been a hunter all her life and has the mounted heads of a zebra and other exotic animals in her house to prove it. But the roadkill she found last month outside her ranch was a new one even for her, worth putting in a freezer hidden from curious onlookers: Canion believes she may have the head of the mythical, bloodsucking chupacabra. "It is one ugly creature," Canion said, holding the head of the mammal, which has big ears, large fanged teeth and grayish-blue, mostly hairless skin. Canion and some of her neighbors discovered the 40-pound bodies of three of the animals over four days in July outside her ranch in Cuero, 80 miles southeast of San Antonio . . . "I've seen a lot of nasty stuff. I've never seen anything like this," she said.

I think we can safely assume one of those 40-pound bodies was the drained corpse of Tony Parker.  Well, at least I hope that's the case.  I would also advise Ms. Canion not to be fooled by the wily chupacabra because it's just playing possum.  These blood-letters often employ this tactic to lull their prey into a fall sense of security.  You'll assume they're dead especially after appearing in a soft-core skin flick, but then they diabolically return to life on network TV. -KD