Yes, yes, we know that it’s Carl Johnson and Merton Hanks that handle the NFL’s “disciplinary” issues; we know our way around the 17th floor of 280 Park better than most. But we needed a headline, and so here we are. This is NFL kommisar Roger Goodell in the midst of his Cincinnati trip, enjoying Skyline Chili for lunch (If I had to guess, I’d say that they were at the Vine Street location near the stadium). Commence with the jokes about Cincinnati-style chili resembling liquid feces and the implications of Herr Goodell partaking in a “three-way.”

Anyway, I guess we should probably discuss the plight of Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Austin Collie; after taking a brutal hit against Philadelphia that left him incapacitated on the field for more than 10 minutes, he was reportedly “alert” and “sitting upright.” The collaborators on the hit, Eagles safeties Quintin Mikell and Kurt Coleman, hit Collie from opposite sides. Coleman was flagged for a helmet-to-helmet hit and the pass was ruled incomplete.

Both calls were wrong. Read the rest of this entry »

If you want Tony Parker to miss a free throw, throw away that beard Longoria and get a cardboard cutout of me from my calendar shoot.  I like the one where I'm in a firefighter's helmet with a coiled fire hose thrown over my shoulder.  The double entendre kinda says, "Loins burning?  I'll douse you, baby."  Or maybe that's too much.  No one wants to see Parker masturbate at the free throw line.

(Full pic here, h/t to Hot Clicks)

Man I love British tabloids.  Here in America, you get trash like People, which gives us saccharine bullshit about how sweet Tony Parker is and how in love he is with Eva Longoria.  That crap doesn't fly with Brits.  The Daily Mail not only churned up these pictures, they also just wrote whatever they felt like to accompany the story.

Now that she is no longer on the market, perhaps Eva feels more comfortable showing off her natural side after marrying basketball player Tony Parker

Eva and Belgian born Tony have been plagued with rumours of discord since their marriage last summer.

And due to Tony's heavy game schedule, with team San Antonio Spurs, and Eva's filming schedule on the top rated TV show, they appear to spend little time together.

Nothing like a news story that uses words like "rumours," "perhaps," and "appear."  It allows sentences to be way more interesting than stupid boring facts.  I should really learn my lesson from this.  Here I was, trying to come up with a mathematical formula for how much makeup it takes for a homely broad to look like a Hollywood star, when all I have to do stick to innuendo. 

I heard she's wanted in Mexico for killing thousands of goats and sucking their blood.

[on 205th] 

I'm cool with pro athletes making more over the course of a game than I will all year.  I expect them to wear more expensive clothes than I do and have sex with famous women and get out of brushes with the law simply because of who they are.  What I'm NOT cool with is America's Puritanical anti-murder laws when I read stories like this:

Fresh from a birthday bash in Miami, [Eva Longoria] arrived at the San Antonio airport Sunday – completely unaware of the intricate celebration hubby Tony Parker had planned in their hometown. The party, elaborate even by Hollywood standards, involved surprise visits from friends and family, an Amazing Race-style scavenger hunt, a lavish dinner at a castle and a real-life version of the Clue board game… 

The unsuspecting star – who had already enjoyed three previous birthday bashes – was greeted at the airport by the familiar Clue characters (played by hired actors who were flown in from Los Angeles). But the San Antonio Spurs star was noticeably absent.  Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, all of them were there," says the guest. "But there's no Tony. Although there was a Spurs coyote – the Spurs mascot – in the crowd." [...]

The birthday girl had to watch a video and answer questions from the still-MIA Parker. Says the guest: "It was stuff like, what was the first place we had our date? IHOP. What was the movie we saw together? National Treasure. What's my favorite color? Red. She got them all right." 

That set the stage for the biggest surprise of the night. "In walks the Spurs coyote again," says the partygoer. "But it's Tony in the coyote costume! He's been in the coyote costume the whole day …. He was hot, he was sweating, he was in love with his wife." 

If you cheer for the Spurs I hate you. 

In an interview to promote an unwatchable movie in which she plays the ghost of a vindictive controlling harridan trying to cuntblock some woman from sleeping with her man after she dies, vindictive controlling harridan Eva Longoria said she'd do the same thing to Tony Parker even if she did the world a solid and stepped in front of a firing squad tomorrow.

"I would sabotage every relationship he is in. I would not let him move on, I’d just lay in bed and watch him. He’s not doing anything without me. I’d be like if I’m going to the afterlife you’re coming with me.”

Can't image why Tom Brady turned down the marriage proposal of some nutty Mexican broad, can you? You think it's all 'til-death-do-you-part, but you're in for an eternity of emasculating psychobitchiness and an afterlife of hanging out with the great Bitches of History. I bet Longoria has Marie Antoinette and Eva Braun over every other night and they spend hours shrieking and clawing at Parker's scrotum. -Christmas Ape

The image on the left is the back of Eva Longoria's neck, which now sports a tattoo of the word "nine," presumably because husband Tony Longoria wears that jersey number for the Spurs.  On the right is MMA fighter Melvin Costa, who also has what I assume is a Tony Parker tattoo on his stomach, where it reads, "I have a small penis."  That's the tattoo right below the German eagle atop the swastika (Parteiadler), in case you're having trouble identifying it.

So what's worse?  A small, vague association with Tony Parker, or a blaring public admission of small genitalia and alignment with the Nazi Party any time you take off your shirt? 

…

Yeah, I can't really decide.  I'll have to get back to you on this one.