Harvey Updyke, the man accused of poisoning the historic oak trees at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn (you know, the trees normal, ecologically-minded people cover in toilet paper to celebrate football victories) has spoken out, saying he expects to go to jail. He also made a Charlie Sheen joke, because the Internet has taught us to communicate like monsters.

“This is not a Charlie Sheen stunt,” he said. “I’m not winning. I’m losing.”

Talk about having Auburn Tigers Blood! Derp derp!

In case you haven’t been following this, the most important thing happening in our world today, an old man from Alabama responded to the loss of the 2010 Iron Bowl by committing ecoterrorism and adding a curse word to his favorite school’s catchphrase, sort of in that Michael Cole way where the cuss doesn’t really fit (“Roll Damn Tide.”) The trees are very important to Auburn students, because when you’re in college you care about sh:t like this.

Read the rest of this entry »

We’re gonna roll out a couple more posts before we head out today, but first I want to address a question in the comments of this Cam Newton post. Fellow Leatherhead Sandra left this inquiry about the general grumpiness directed toward the former Auburn quarterback, with my emphasis added.

I am looking for a serious and well thought out argument outside of the usual regurgitated media stuff as to why Cam isn’t a good fit anywhere in the NFL but Blaine Gabbert is?

First of all, I never brought up Blaine Gabbert. Sandra did, which is annoying. It’s like when you rave about Five Guys and somebody chirps, “Yeah, but it’s not as good as In-N-Out.” Who mentioned In-N-Out? That’s not the point. The point is that an NFL team is going to make this decision–and bet millions of dollars in doing so. Sandra asks fair question, and though I don’t necessarily agree with its premise, let’s answer it. I WORK FOR YOU, PEOPLE. Read the rest of this entry »

Cam Newton is being compared to a lot of quarterbacks in the NFL, and almost none of those are promising. Despite the parallel having been the likes of Michael Vick or Vince Young or Akili Smith,

Chan Gailey and Buddy Nix admitted quarterback isn’t the Bills’ biggest need because they believe veteran Ryan Fitzpatrick is a reliable starter. But both men made it clear they have to strongly consider taking a potentially great signal caller if he’s available with the third overall pick in the draft.[..]

“If you wait until you do not have a quarterback to draft one, you’re too late,” Nix said. “Now our greatest need is not quarterback. It’s definitely not quarterback. Invariably, if there’s going to be a franchise guy there and one we deem as a guy that can go eight or 10 years, be the face of the organization and take us to the playoffs and win every year, you can’t pass him up.”

Buffalo News, via FanNation.

The fact is that the Bills have not only struggled on the field (one winning season since 1999), but at the box office. And in a league where fans spend a fair amount of time following all of the teams, one doesn’t miss much by ignoring the Bills. Buffalo will have a hard time ignoring Newton if he falls to No. 3, because he’s tall and has a strong arm and all that other crap that has NFL scouts in a circle jerk. While someone like Julio Jones or Von Miller might address a greater need (and see the field a lot sooner), drafting Newton comes at a huge short-term cost, even if he eventually becomes successful.

It’ll be interesting if their first player to put on a white helmet happens to be an African-American quarterback who shows up in Orchard Park bringing more questions than answers. It would not surprise me, because it would be a stupid move, and the Bills are very fluent in stupid.

So that old dude in Alabama that killed those trees in Auburn’s famous Toomer’s Corner? He can’t seem to find a lawyer, since his first public defender, Phillip Tyler, took himself off the case. Tyler cited a conflict of interest, what with him being a professor at Auburn and probably wanting the herbicidal Harvey Updike to get the chair.

Jerry Hauser was given the case after Tyler, but on Tuesday morning he asked to be taken off the case as well due to his ties to Auburn. It seems Hauser’s wife is the head of the Department of Communication and Journalism at the school.

–Tom Fornelli, Eye On College Football.

Updike should just go back to Toomer’s Corner and tie a rope around one of those trees and hang himself with it. “I’m just gonna put myself outta my misery. Roll Tide.”

We’re late to this Toomer’s Corner business on the Auburn campus, but that’s only because I don’t really think of the killing of trees as news. I usually call that “capitalism.” Anyway, to make a long story less nauseating, some Alabama fan poisoned the two trees at Auburn’s famous Toomer’s Corner, said fan might go to jail for ten years and Auburn fans are really, really sad.

[Auburn trustee Jimmy] Rane, speaking to the Mountain Brook Chamber of Commerce at Birmingham Country Club, said the trees are “an integral part of Auburn” and that those responsible should be “prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.” –Birmingham News.

An arrest was made in the tree poisoning yesterday morning. Harvey Updike is a former Texas state trooper who allegedly has sons named “Crimson” and “Bear”. And if those weren’t silly enough, he’s now being charged with a Class C felony. Read the rest of this entry »

The guys at Friends Of The Program unearthed this gem of Auburn football coach Gene Chizik at some Greek life event called a “Fall Woodser.” This was taken November 11, 1983; Chizik would have been 21 years old when this was taken.

I’m guessing that shortly after this photo was taken, a guy in a hockey mask with a machete killed off all of his friends, one by one. Who would have thought that Chizik would spend his later years fretting over something called a “laptop?”