Links

Atlanta Falcons’ Kicker has Golf Clubs Stolen by his Chinese Food Delivery Guy - Poor kicker. The defining moment of your position’s history is Charlie Brown failing. Also, you deserve it if you let your delivery man anywhere past your front door. [Brobible]

UFC Champ on Steven Seagal: ‘I don’t know how he got my number.’ - Seagal googling Jon Jones until he finds his personal information is hilarious. Almost as funny as the 200 guys who just run at Seagal and get destroyed by him barely moving his hands. You suck, Steven Seagal. [Film Drunk]

The 15 Best Nintendo 64 Titles Of All Time - Now here’s a list I can get behind. Blast Corps or it didn’t happen. [Smoking Section]

Video: Paul Rudd & Anne Hathaway Audition for ‘Jersey Shore’ - I think Rudd and Hathaway are in a competition to see which likeable person I’m tired of the most. So far I think Paul Rudd is winning. [Warming Glow]

Twitter Masses Angered That A Fake News Organization Tweeted About A Fake Hostage Crisis - The problem isn’t believing news reported by The Onion, it’s that The Onion should be way, way funnier. “Barack Obama died in a car crash, jk it’s satire.” [UPROXX]

Community’s Doctor Who Spoof “Inspector Spacetime” Makes An Awesome Meme - Forget Inspector Spacetime, somebody turn Asian Annie into a meme. Fantasy threesome: me, Annie, Other Annie. [Gamma Squad]

Maroon 5 Feat. Christina Aguilera & Mac Miller – “Moves Like Jagger (Remix)” - Did Mick Jagger win some kind of contest where every pop singer has to mention him in a song? Is it because his name rhymes with “swagger” and people are bad at rhyming, but HAVE to use the word swagger? [Smoking Section]

10 Manliest Men in Entertainment - Way to eschew traditional gender roles, Buzzfeed! [Buzzfeed]

No One Sinks Rihanna’s Battleship and 7 Other Things Learned on the Set of ‘Battleship’ - Lesson one: Do not make a movie about Battleship. [Moviefone]

‘Parks & Recreation’: 5 Things to Know About ‘Ron and Tammys’ - Hump day. Am I right, buddy? [AOL TV]

Attack of the Show Interview with Idris Elba - Kevin Pereira, is you taking notes on a criminal f**king conspiracy? I want your jobs, Attack Of The Show. I AM GOING TO TAKE YOUR JOBS. [G4TV]

Adult Swim’s Time to Waste with Harry Shearer - Also wasted time with Harry Shearer: the last 15 seasons of “The Simpsons”. [Adult Swim]

Punk Isn’t Dead PSA with Henry Rollins - Somebody needs to remake Lost In Translation with Henry Rollins and have him just sit around Tokyo yammering on about politics and sociopolitical norms and everyone around him is just constantly going ughhhhh and walking away. [The Daily What]

Links

An All-’Simpsons’ Channel? Woo-hoo! - I know everybody’s into streaming and not having to move to access their media, but this is why owning seasons 1-8 on DVD is awesome. I don’t need a network, and unless I accidentally click on a clip show, I don’t ever get a bad episode. [Warming Glow]

Trey Parker & Matt Stone Detail How They Went Viral Before Going Viral Was Cool On 60 Minutes - Detailing it on 60 Minutes is a hilarious statement about growing older. Maybe in a couple of years they can show up to sing a song on A Prairie Home Companion. |UPROXX|

The Best Of #Boardwalk Empire - Between this and “Community” (and to a lesser extent, “90210″) I want “The Wire” to be back on television so bad. [UPROXX]

Anne Hathaway In The Full Catwoman Suit - The Dark Knight Cashes In doesn’t look great so far, but I’m sure it’ll be fine. I hope Judd Winick gets put in charge of part 4. And that part 4 goes straight to Cinemax. [Gamma Squad]

Justin Bieber Rented Out The Staples Center to Watch Titanic - Bieber is basing his grandest gestures on dark ages Adam Sandler comedies. Maybe Selena Gomez will get brain damage and forget she knows him every day. [Film Drunk]

You Know You’re Drunk When… - If you see the phrase “say no to crack” and it reminds you to PULL YOUR JEANS UP, you might be a drunk [Buzzfeed]

10 Nerdiest Objects in the Office on ‘The IT Crowd’ - Thanks to British television, this show only ran for 20 minutes before it ended and was canonized. [FARK]

9 Great Singers Who Can Also Act - “Can act” is pretty vague. Anybody “can act”, but acting and being good at acting are two very different things. Also, does Donald Glover count as a singer? “So Fly” is awesome, and Troy is still the best. [Moviefone]

Attack of the Show Interviews Chris Pratt - One day I will host this show, and I will only interview Chris Pratt. [G4TV]

5 Unsexy Reasons You Wouldn’t Want to Be a Male Porn Star - 1 unsexy reason I WOULD want to be a porn star: Allie Sin. Unsexy reason #2, Gianna won’t stop spitting on people. [The Smoking Jacket]

19 Creepy Shipwrecks from Around the World - Question: How many of these run the risk of being Chipwrecked? [Ask Men]

The 10 Biggest Opening Weekends for a Baseball Movie - Here’s every review of Moneyball: “It was good, but slow.” Now, every review from a blogger: “I JOTTED DOWN EVERY INCONSISTENCY IN THIS ‘FEATURE FILM’ AND WILL LIST THEM NOW, #1, OAKLAND DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A TEAM” etc. [Pajiba]

145 Reasons Spider-Man 3 Sucked - Well, that’s thorough. [Unreality]

Sports

Vintage Promos: Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer Goes Full Force - In an effort to get all the people who hate me covering wrestling to be okay with it (or even enjoy it), here’s a classic from my days at “AOL News” featuring IPW’s most famous full force-going table-turner Jeff Farmer. If you aren’t laughing at the first word out of his mouth, there’s no hope for you. [HuffPo Presents The Sporting News]

Troy Polamalu Tries To Go Viral - I almost wrote about this yesterday, then thought about it for about four seconds and realized I’d be more or less posting about Powerade commercials. In no universe can you swipe at someone’s giant mess with hair clippers and come away with a perfect bald spot. The comments on the video are hilarious, though. [Shutdown Corner]

Nic Cage’s Son Plans to Prove Sanity by Becoming a Cage Fighter - He’s been practicing on his pregnant wife all year, so I’m sure he’ll do fine. Turns out Nicholas Cage’s son is more like a Napoleon Dynamite character than anyone in the world, including the guy that played Napoleon Dynamite. [Film Drunk]

Gallery: 10 Insane MMA Fan Tattoos - I think tattoos are beautiful, and I think body modification should have no social boundaries. That being said, 99% of people who have an idea for a tattoo should be shackled and thrown into a pit before being allowed to get them. [Cage Potato]

With Leather

The Dugout: The Upper Upper Deck - Jim Thome hits a huge home run and I finally get around to writing about it in capital letters. I lost my old copy of Photoshop when my computer crashed and I’m trying to build these things with paint and f’ing Netscape Navigator. If you can help a brother out, please do so. [The Dugout]

Evan Longoria Is Digging Alex Morgan -As a blogger and longtime fan, I know baseball players are the kings of pretending you don’t exist. That’s part of what makes this so funny. Oh, okay Kyle Farnsworth, if I was a hot soccer star you’d want to do an interview with me? Good to know. [With Leather]

20 More Wrestling Clips for Attack of the Show to “Discover” - If the Jeff Farmer video didn’t work, try this collection of videos from the world of independent wrestling that involve scared children, strippers, plush wrestling dragons and more. [With Leather]

The Tosh.0 Marathon - I was proud yesterday when my girlfriend mentioned that “Parks and Recreation” is “probably [her] favorite show”. Previously it was Tosh. Maybe she got sick of watching people break their bones and vomit. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Top 20 Villainous Laughs - A great list, but completely invalid due to the omission of Fiona, head of Mega Records from Josie and the Pussycats. Maybe they’re saving her for the top 20 instances of people yelling LIGHTS and having lights turn on. [Gamma Squad]

Andrew WK Likes Comics More Than You - Yeah, but I bet I like partying way more than him. [Adult Swim]

Which Nurse From Popular Culture Would You Prefer Be Treated By - As someone who was sick a lot as a kid I don’t entertain that nurse fantasy, and if I was in the hospital I’d want someone to make me well, not have sex with me. That being said, I’d probably pick Ann Perkins, because she’s been a nurse for a long time and seems like she’s good at her job, and also is extremely pretty. [Uproxx]

Maybe the Dumbest Woman In America - smdh [Warming Glow]

There are two major groups of people who stumble upon videos of independent pro wrestlers doing goofy sh*t:

1. Wrestling nerds. They’ll see a video (or a gif) shortly after it happens while they’re browsing their favorite wrestling forum, stuck somewhere between the petulant name-calling and the latently homosexual discussions about whether or not wrestlers have “the look”.

2. Sports writers who don’t watch wrestling (meaning they infrequently tune in to Raw) who can’t believe what they’re seeing, toss a “viral video” tag on the clip and share it to millions of like-minded individuals despite the fact that its like four years old and everybody who likes wrestling has seen it.

This happened in a big way earlier this year when a clip of the Osirian Portal using hypnosis on their opponents and causing a colossal dance party started getting covered on everything resembling Deadspin as the “most illegal move in wrestling move in history!” and again a few months later when “amazing 9-year old wrestler” Mr. No. 6 (who was six when the video first went up, hence the name) showed up on Jimmy Traina’s Hot Clicks. G4′s “Attack of the Show” has gotten into the antiquated pro wrestling clip game by featuring Chuck Taylor trying to kill ant-themed wrestlers “The Colony” with an invisible grenade. It’s funny, and you should watch it whether you like wrestling or not.

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