"I hear Orlando has a lot of homeless people..."

As always, I’ll only catch us up on Sunday’s action, since nobody needs to know that the Memphis Grizzlies are still the hottest non-Miami team in the NBA Playoffs, and we certainly don’t need to point out that Chris Bosh was more like Chris BOOSH against the Boston Celtics in Game 3. And Rondo’s elbow… hoo boy, did you see that? Like Willis McGahee’s knee in slow motion all over again.

Dallas Mavericks 122, LA Lakers 86 (Series: 4-0 DAL)

Kobe Bryant told reporters after the Lakers’ Game 3 loss to the Mavs that he wasn’t worried and his team would come back and win the series. Of course the pundits went on a parade of hypothetical questions and what ifs, as we all knew that it wouldn’t happen unless David Stern delivered the Fountain of Youth, which I never ruled out because he’s evil and could send his legions of dark spirits to retrieve it. And thus, the two-time defending NBA Champions were eliminated in humiliating fashion, with Pau Gasol out Hedo Turkoglu-ing Hedo Turkoglu and Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom having late-game hissy fits to embarrass Phil Jackson even more in what is probably his Lakers swan song.

So we’re left with the question – what happens now for the Lake show? Of course the fellas on TNT and pretty much everyone else with an IQ below 12 think that Dwight Howard is already packed for LA, and I would spend a few thousand words simply arguing the Lakers as his next team, but Otis Smith is the Magic GM so I would never act shocked if I read, “… for Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, and the Lakers’ next 10 late first round draft picks.” As for Phil, that New York Knicks team sure looks intriguing in another year…

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"I should probably start dating a Laker. The team needs me."

Dallas Mavericks 93, LA Lakers 81 (Series: 2-0 DAL)

Perhaps they were merely recognizing me by chanting Boo-urns, but it sure did sound like Lakers fans were unhappy with their team’s performance last night. The Lakers starters had a decent night, led by Kobe Bryant’s 23-points, but it probably didn’t help that the team missed 15 consecutive 3-pointers from the start of the game and the bench only chipped in 12 points. It also didn’t help that Kobe missed 11 shots, so I guess what I’m saying is that the Lakers are a mess.

But at least nothing stupid happened like Ron Artest trying to take Jose Barea’s head off in the closing minute. Haha, just kidding, that really did happen, with 24 seconds left so it was a brilliant move that could possibly earn him a suspension for Game 3. I don’t know about you kids, but I’ve missed old Ron-Ron and am glad to have him back.

Celebrity Sighting: Directors McG and Brett Ratner sat courtside together. Asked one fan, “What’s that giant portal to hell doing behind them?”

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Atlanta Hawks 103, Chicago Bulls 95 (Series: 1-0 ATL)

Derrick Rose will be named the NBA’s MVP today, drawing ire and criticism from the people who believe that LeBron James and his multiple Player of the Month awards should have sealed the deal. As for the people who argued in favor of Dwight Howard – like those of us who believe the Orlando Magic would have won 10 games without him this season – they have crawled back into their holes of self-loathing and inner misery.

Anywho, Rose looked more like a Meh-VP (*holds hand up for high five*) last night as the fired-up 5-seed Hawks took Game 1. For the first time in weeks, Joe Johnson looked like a guy who makes $18 million a year, as he scored 34 points to lead Atlanta. Rose, on the other hand, had a respectable 24 points and 10 assists, but he missed 16 shots, including a few doozies near the end, and he didn’t make it to the free throw line once. It also didn’t help that he rolled his ankle by stepping on Jamal Crawford’s foot on the very last meaningless play of the game.

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*I was very disappointed that CBS Sports used “Bulls on Parade” as their headline this morning. Might have ruined my day. Thank goodness for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Chicago Bulls 116, Indiana Pacers 89 (Series: 4-1 CHI)

The Bulls finally stopped teasing the poor Pacers with close games and promises of home-cooked breakfast and gave them their bus fare and sent them home. Josh McRoberts was ejected for the Pacers in probably the most exciting non-Bulls scoring highlight, but if you’re going to swing on Joakim Noah at least connect with him so some of us can smile a little.

Derrick Rose was supposedly in a walking boot this week and hampered by – and I believe this is a medical term – a boo-boo on his ouchy footy. But he still dropped 25 on the Pacers to give the Bulls some much needed rest before they find out who they’ll be playing in Round 2. And it’s going to be the Atlanta Hawks.

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I’m only recapping yesterday’s games, despite the fact that Saturday’s games were great. Holy choke job, Dallas. Maybe if Mark Cuban spent less time Tweeting about Shark Tank and more time keeping an eye on his team, the Mavericks wouldn’t be coached like an all-girls AAU squad. Also, good job, Pacers. It was nice to see a few teams show some balls and stand their ground… *stares at Carmelo Anthony*. Anyway, here’s a non-biased and semi-coherent look back at Sunday’s NBA Playoffs action.

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Orlando Magic 88, Atlanta Hawks 82

I’m a bit of a conspiracy theorist when it comes to sports, especially the NBA, so indulge me if you will. Last night’s Game 2 matchup between the Orlando Magic and Atlanta Hawks was aired on NBA TV opposite the Boston Celtics-New York Knicks game for one of three reasons:

1) It was a boring game that nobody cared about.
2) David Stern really hates the Magic.
3) The league has lost $300 million in the past year so the network has to make a few bucks somehow.

Despite my tendency to lean to No. 2, the truth is a little of all 3. Regardless, it’s totally asinine to put one of your league’s top stars – Dwight Howard – on a second tier network like he’s George Lopez. But that’s another argument for another day. In the meantime, let’s talk about the main point of the game – the Chicago Bulls are gonna cruise to the Eastern Conference Finals.

I’m not saying the Magic and Hawks are bad, but Colin Firth called them bland. When JJ Redick is the high point of a game, even Lifetime is too good of a venue for these teams. But they have to play, so it is what it is. In the meantime, there’s really only one aspect of last night’s game that is worth noting, and it’s not Howard’s 42nd career playoff double-double in 53 postseason appearances.

Gilbert Arenas makes roughly $20 million a year to be the worst player I have ever seen in my life. He’s Steve Francis bad if Steve had no legs. Even worse, the Magic are rumored to be restructuring Gilbert’s contract to keep him in Orlando for 5 more years. At some point he and I are going to have to sit down and discuss the problems between us. I just hope there’s not a crowbar anywhere near me.

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