Basketbawful worked some magic, citing a Turkish-language newspaper in a cuh-ray-zy story involving Zaza Pachulia of the Istanbul Pachulias, but more notably, the NBA’s Atlanta Hawks:
His uncle, residing in Russia, died last week and left him $100 million. Zaza confirmed the incident, stating that he received a phone call from Moscow from a lawyer explaining the situation, but he said at first he taught it was a joke.
He also said that his uncle in Russia loved him very much and he is not surprised the uncle left everything to him and two sons. The lawyer told him that there is a condition on the will. This condition is that Zaza has to get married and stay married for 5 years.
Wasn’t this a Richard Pryor movie? The Georgian-born Pachulia will certainly look for a woman that is good with plow and so forth. There are worse reasons to get married, though. Like pregnancy. Or just dating someone for a really long time and not really feeling like breaking up with them. Especially if she has a nicer car than you do. Then you might as well hang around until you do something stupid and she gets rid of you.
Somehow the Atlanta Hawks mascot, Spirit, found himself one step closer to freedom during the Hawks-Heat playoff game last night. Maybe mascot is the wrong word, since it tends to make one think of something like this guy, but I digress. Someday birds will be able to play in the NBA without being discriminated against, and we’ll all look back at Spirit for showing his strength in blazing the trail.
Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker, both hampered by extreme gayness, sat out of the Spurs’ win over the Knicks
The Lakers continued their early season dominance, rallying in the second half to beat the Mavericks 106-99 and improve their perfect record to 6-0. Bored by that? Me too.
Perhaps more impressive — or at least more surprising — is that the young Hawks are the NBA’s only other unbeaten team. Al Horford scored a career-high 27 points to go with 17 rebounds and six blocks as Atlanta fended off the Bulls 113-108. Even Mike Bibby (who is terrible) wasn’t terrible, scoring 22 points with some clutch three-point shooting to kill a Bulls rally.
Elsewhere in the Association: LeBron dropped 40+ for the third time in four games as the Cavs won their fifth straight. Keep doing that, Bron, and you’ll never get real teammates… Allen Iverson went off for 30 points and nine dimes against the Kings to help Detroit to its first win in the AI era (see video after the jump)… Some other games happened. Jumping, dribbling, etc. You know the drill.
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Last night the Rockets tied the NBA's mark for the second-longest winning streak EVAR by notching #20 in an atrocious brick-fest against the Hawks: both teams shot under 34% from the field, with the starting point guards dueling it out to see who could suck harder. Atlanta's Mike Bibby made his case known with a 3-for-12 night, but Rafer Alston shamed him with a 3-for-18 performance.
Ugliness on the court aside, Houston deserves praise for reaching such rarefied heights — they're one of only three teams, and the first in three and a half decades, to win so many in a row. The Rox have five brutal games after tomorrow's game against Charlotte, so the 33 straight games of the '71-'72 Lakers seem out of reach, but the fact that they've continued to play so well after losing All-Star centerpiece Yao Ming is mind-boggling.
Ugh, this post is too sugary to handle first thing in the morning. Let's turn it over to Deke:
"The Rockets have won 20 games straight," sung Dikembe Mutombo to nobody in particular. "All the critics can kiss my black ass."
Mutombo started last night but attempted no shots and scored two points in 15 minutes, and — on a side note — I kind of wish he was my dad.
Shaq being the central figure of the final minute of the Atlanta-Miami game that was protested because the Hawks' scorer erroneously attributed an extra foul to O'Neal that resulted in him fouling out, what will the NBA do about the final minute that is scheduled to be replayed on March 8th?
Oh God, it's the long-lost script for Shaq to the Future! Will Shaq play for Miami for one game? Will Marcus Banks and Shawn Marion be allowed to play instead? Should they play with five fouls? AHHH NOBODY KNOWS!!! Al, find out what Ziggy needs Shaq to do! The NBA is breaking free from the laws of Newtonian physics! God save us all!
[TrueHoop]
Thanks to handsome tipster Jeff's perusal of SI's analysis of the NBA draft, I now know that Atlanta Hawks GM Billy Knight wants some guys with wide thighs and ample rear ends:
Knight points out that [Zaza] Pachulia and Shelden Williams are the only Hawks who are wide in the thighs. "They are the only two guys we have who aren't what we call narrow butts,'' Knight said. "The other guys are thin guys, slender builds, so you need some physicality on your team.'' So he's looking for one more wide butt? "It depends on the butt,'' Knight said. In which case [Florida's Al] Horford may well be their pick.
Just when you thought the objectification of men by other men was over after the gay journo-porn about Brady Quinn and Ken Shamrock, we now have some lusty general manager porn. And frankly, I'm offended. Is it because of the harsh opinions based upon physical attributes? Perhaps, but I'm probably more upset that I'm not Mr. Knight's type. Every man likes to feel attractive. At least the ladies like the slim, malnourished ass look, right?
I do want to applaud Billy for providing a useful phrase I think all segments of the country should employ: "Would you like fries with that?" It depends on the butt. "Should I diversify my portfolio?" It depends on the butt. "Will we bomb Iran if they continue their nuclear programs, Mr. President?" It depends on the butt. -KD
Personally, I enjoy lovely Melissa's-NSFW derrière.
