"To answer your question, yes, we have decided to stop being human."

Brothers B.J. and Justin Upton have always been good players. The trick, I guess, was for a club to figure out that they should play on the same team. That unlocks some sort of weird National Treasure scenario where the Uptons decipher a bunch of clues and become DEATH-BRINGING MONSTERS OF BASEBALL. Well, Justin, at least. But B.J. is getting there!

Case in point: The Upton brothers hit back-to-back home runs in last night’s game against the Colorado Rockies, bringing the Atlanta Braves to 15-5 on the season and causing a deluge of statistical footnotes, including

1. Justin Upton now leads the Major Leagues with 11 home runs.
2. Justin Upton has hit 11 home runs in April, setting a new Braves team record.
3. The Upton brothers are the first brother tandem to hit back-to-back homers in the Majors since Lloyd and Paul Waner did it for the Pirates back in 1938.
4. Justin Upton will not high-five you.

For more information on that last one, here are the clips. Back-to-back, natch.

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I absolutely hate this new MLB wild card scenario. I think it’s utter hooey, and I’m sorry for being so vulgar. It’s important to remember, too, that I’m a classy and intelligent St. Louis Cardinals fan, and I still think this wild card play-in game is crap. Yes, the rule is the only reason that my underachieving team is even playing for a chance to be in the playoffs today, and I still hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.

It’s simply not fair to the Atlanta Braves, Texas Rangers, and Baltimore Orioles. And don’t give me none of that “Well it wouldn’t have been fair for the Rangers or Orioles and their 93 wins either” because they still would have had a play-in game, and I’m damn grateful for the convenience of their matching records, because otherwise my argument would have sucked more than it probably already does. By midnight tonight, we’re going to have two upset fan bases, and the AL fans will really deserve to be pissed. The NL fans, perhaps not as much. Either way, Bud Selig will probably give himself another raise.

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This is one of the best (and certainly one of the most inspiring) fan signs from an MLB game this season — a woman who skipped chemo therapy to see Chipper Jones during one of his final appearances at Turner Field. ‘I skipped chemo to see Chipper.’ At no point should my learned snarkiness make you think this didn’t choke me the hell up and make me want to go outside and run around in the fields and appreciate life, but two questions:

1. Is that a good idea? Because, really, and
2. Chipper’s been around since 1993, was this your only shot at seeing him?

That’s my new screenplay, the story of a baseball fan who has been trying to see her favorite player play at home for two decades but keeps getting pulled out for emergencies and weddings and acts of nature, and it all builds to that final weekend of his career where she’s either got to bail on cancer treatment or miss seeing him forever.

Regardless, here’s to hoping Chipper Jones types “Chipper Jones” into Google and finds this picture, because if I was a 20-year millionaire, my hobby would be finding people who sincerely give a shit about my existence and making their lives happier. Baseball is awesome, and sometimes its fans are, too. Good luck, Chipper Sign Lady.

[original photo via @hgielatan, h/t to Last Angry Fan]

I don’t want to bag on the Atlanta Braves, because I have a lot of friends who are #BARVES fans and I respect their fanfare. I also just don’t have a reason to dislike the Braves, especially since they were kind enough to lose an assload of games at the end of last season so the St. Louis Cardinals could make the playoffs and win the World Series.

But come on, champagne? For clinching a spot in the Wild Card play-in game? To clarify, I’m in the “There should only be champagne at the World Series” camp, so I think it’s silly when teams do it at every level on the MLB playoffs. Here’s my alternative suggestion – Smirnoff Ice for the Wild Card win, beer for the Divisional Series, Jager for the Championship Series, and then champagne for the World Series. Hell yeah, bros!

Now on to tonight’s incredibly boring sports action…

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Yes, Chipper Jones Kiss Cam. Freddie Freeman is the new Roger McDowell, but with tongue. (via NESN)

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Links

The Wrestling Podcast, Episode 70: Brandon Stroud V |The Wrestling Blog|

DMX Is Highly Confused By This Thing Called ‘Google’ |UPROXX|

The Average American Watches More TV Than The Average TV Critic |Warming Glow|

Andy Garcia was almost in Big, but the studio said he was “too Puerto Rican” |Film Drunk|

What A Great Soccer Game We’re Having I’ll Just Pick Up This OH MY GOD GRENADE |With Leather|

COUGARS: Six More 50-Year Old Women More F*ckworthy Than Madonna |Smoking Section|

How To Talk About Steven Crowder, If You Have To Talk About Him At All |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The 25 Definitive April Ludgate GIFs |UPROXX|

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"Apparently we are still in Kansas."

The hyperbole has been intense over the past 12 hours or so since Evan Longoria barreled through his teammates to touch home plate last night. Scott Van Pelt repeatedly reiterated that “nothing is better than sports, ever.” And we agreed. The Twitterverse displayed a million different versions of “This can’t be real!” as people marveled at the heroics of Longoria and his teammates and the breakdown of Jonathan Papelbon and his. We also agreed.

To call it the best night in the history of baseball, though, is a bit of a stretch. Don’t get me wrong, I watched all of the action of each game live, flipping back and forth as each inning became crazier than the one before it. But is it still better than a great World Series Game 7? That’s a pretty tough call. So I will settle on the Greatest Night In Regular Season Baseball History.

Nevertheless, it was great for baseball. I’m sure that as Bud Selig is briefing the umpires on how his Milwaukee Brewers need to win*, he’s smiling a little wider than usual, perhaps even thinking of a bigger statue that he can build outside of Miller Park. Too bad it couldn’t be that great for everyone. As always, there are winners and losers, and as a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I am generally regarded as more intelligent, classy, handsome, and sympathetic than other baseball fans. So I thought we’d pay tribute to the faces of the people who gave us “Baseball’s Greatest Night.”

*You know, hypothetically.

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