Last week I referred to the long-awaited Manny Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight as boxing’s Myth of Sisyphus, noting that anyone who would attempt to organize it would repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down again.

In addition to Sisyphus, it may also be boxing’s syphilis — when you first contract it you’re having a great time, but then the rash sets in and the longer you wait, the worse it gets. What I’m getting at here is that Floyd Mayweather’s mouth is a venereal disease, and calling someone out for a fight two years too late because you’re about to go to jail for punching your girlfriend in the face in front of your children is a scabby rash.

From Mayweather’s Twitter, because Don King is too old to answer the telephone:

In case you were wondering why he chose now to tweet this tweet:

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It's okay, buddy, we'll drive down to Cleveland this weekend.

Jokes about how Detroit is poor and sad are nothing new. The area has been ravaged by an economic downturn, lower versus lowest class warfare and “people from Michigan” for years. Hell, even the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism videos end with an affirming “we’re not Detroit”, so it seems a little like kicking a man while he’s down to hear Lions cornerback Aaron Berry react to an asshole-stomping from the New Orleans Saints by telling the city he plays for to go f**k itself with a double-wide. But, here we are.

With a hobo hat-tip to Shutdown Corner:

There’s a reason we have an ATHLETES SHOULD NOT HAVE TWITTER tag. Like every unpopular tweet from a popular person, this one was taken down quickly (maybe he was hacked~) and an almost Faulknerian apology was issued. See if you can pinpoint the moment when the big WOOP WOOP hypocrisy alarms go off:

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In today’s hottest “NASCAR driver might not have a great perspective on the world” news, driver Kasey Kahne offended every single human woman on Twitter when he saw a lady breastfeeding her child at the grocery store and jumped on the Internet to complain about it.

At first you’re like, “maybe he just turned out of the dog food aisle and suddenly there was a tit”, which is reasonably jarring.

But then … no, he was disgusted by it. He was disgusted by what he saw your body doing.

Yeah, you stupid bitch, how is he supposed to buy saltines and Mountain Dew and whatever else it is NASCAR drivers eat now? Unfortunately the expository tweet between the two was deleted, but if you need to know exactly what transported him from Kroger to Barf’s Burgers:

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Or perhaps that title should read: “Rob Gronkowski knows how to spend a bye week.” Either way, if you’re not familiar with the New England Patriots’ tight end’s Twitter account, let me give you a super brief synopsis – he likes to hit on hot girls. For example, Gronk has famously tried to spark a blood rivalry with me by hitting on Kate Upton via the Tweets. He also hit on Rihanna, but she just spent $2,000 in a sex shop, and quite frankly I imagine it’s like throwing a Tic Tac into the Holland Tunnel.

Lately, though, Gronk has a new Tweety lady in adult film star Bibi Jones, whom he paid a visit to over the weekend, leading to her posting the above photo. She also posted a photo of her with Gronk shirtless (after the jump) which leads to my math problem of the day:

(Horny NFL star – shirt) + (porn actress – shorts) x (porn actress wearing NFL star’s jersey + any man’s fantasy of a girl wearing only a jersey)^2 = They did it

Alas, Ms. Jones says that my math is faulty.

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As we mentioned earlier, the NBA is less than two days away from taking a seat next to the NFL at the lockout table, and that means that players are going to have to find new ways to keep themselves entertained until a new Collective Bargaining Agreement is reached. Thankfully, Orlando Magic guard Gilbert Arenas doesn’t have to worry about that because every day is an adventure for the man who recently reunited with Twitter. And according to Arenas’ Twitter account, the one-time superstar has already been keeping himself quite busy by planking.

Arenas’ latest planking exploit took place on teammate Dwight Howard’s Porsche, as you can see above. But Arenas claims that this was his planking finale, one final bang to bid farewell to this ridiculous fad that has somehow killed people. I worry that his retirement from planking may be premature, as Arenas will have to find new fads to keep himself entertained. Just kidding, he’s already got his hands full with more legal problems.

In the meantime, you can enjoy the best of Arenas’ planking exploits – I’m actually impressed by the toll booth – which include a guest appearance from Superman.

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If football ever comes back, Von Miller will be a Denver Bronco. He was taken number two overall in this April’s NFL Draft, and if this was a normal year, we might be talking about how he was named a finalist for the Hendricks Award (for top defensive end) and a semifinalist for the Butkus Award (for top collegiate linebacker). Unfortunately for us, we have a lockout and a Twitter, so we’re stuck trying to figure out exactly what the hell this guy is happy having on his … what is that, his arm? For the rest of his life.

Try to play it like “Classic Concentration”. Melon, dollar sign. Melon dollar? Million dollar? Okay, chicken, partially eaten chicken leg, and a ghost. Million dollar chicken ghost. Sh:t, I haven’t even touched the fact that it starts with Pac-Man. Okay, let’s let him tell us.

It’s not finished, doe. Hopefully he just draws in the missing bite of chicken and that’s it. I also wasn’t aware that Blinky from Pac-Man was a “hater,” although I guess that makes sense. Was the goomba from Super Mario Bros. a hater? What about Dodongo? Ah well, at least I can applaud this guy for coming up with his own Dugout screen name.

For my next tattoo, I’m going to get a cents sign, a half eaten bowl of quinoa, and one of the cars from Frogger.

[via Twitter]