"I'm not naked! I TRICKED YOU into thinking I was! Point, Solo."

Back in 2011, Hope Solo was the greatest. She was helping sell women’s soccer to America and posing nude in ESPN The Magazine with a garden hose, simultaneously taking the world by storm as both sports hero and sex symbol. She was an awesome combination of talent and gigantic beauty, and it was fun to write about her on the Internet.

After that, things started to get … complicated. She went on ‘Dancing With The Stars,’ but ultimately claimed the show was rigged and that her partner had physically abused her. She married NFL tight end Jerramy Stevens, a guy previously convicted with assault and accused of rape, immediately after he’d been taken in for assaulting her. She also sorta ratted out everyone in the Olympics.

In 2013, Hope continues her slow descent into being the soccer Amanda Bynes by (accidentally?) tweeting her phone number, then using it as an excuse to tell us we are stupid.

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America: Land of the Free to Have Stupid Facial Hair

I don’t get people. I don’t get how they can be born with unnatural talent and put in a position that people would (and have) kill to be in, to make millions upon millions of dollars for playing a game that people love. And all the while they can’t grasp the basic idea of thinking before speaking. But then, as I’ve pointed out so many times before, I’m not in their heads, so I can’t really identify with that someone like Tyrann Mathieu is thinking when he Tweets (and promptly deletes) something like this in the wake of yesterday’s tragedy at the Boston Marathon:

America… Only thing its good for is making money other than that this a wicked & cruel place to reside… #pray4boston

For the uninformed, Mathieu is a gifted young football player, who excelled at LSU before he was kicked off the team for failing drug tests as many as 10 times. Then he was arrested for marijuana possession. So maybe he’s pissed off because a guy can’t just smoke a little herb without people kicking him out of school or arresting him. But again, I’m not in his brain to know why he thinks that America is so wicked and cruel, and where he’d rather live than this country that is allowing him a second and third chance to make millions of dollars playing football.

I’m also not trying to tell a guy that he can’t have an opinion. If Mathieu hates America, fine. A lot of people do. But this is more of an issue with common sense or a lack thereof. Tons of people are insensitive, some even do it for a living. Sh*t, did you see what Anthony Jeselnik Tweeted (and deleted)? I’m just saying that there’s a time and a place, and a guy like Mathieu, whose draft stock has already taken repeated hits, needs an angel on his shoulder telling him that not every thought needs to be shared.

For instance, I’d like to suggest some things that he could have Tweeted instead.

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AJ McCarron and Waka Flocka Flame remind you that Alabama is No. 1.

If you judge a man solely by his Twitter account, then Alabama QB AJ McCarron comes across as a pretty big douchebag. That’s not to say that I think he is a big ol’ bag of oil and vinegar to the billionth degree, but if I were a non-sports fan with no clue who he was and I came across his Twitter profile, I’d probably be like, “Gee, this guy is a total uber-douche, white sunglasses and all.” Of course, the same can be said for plenty of people, myself included.

Now, do I blame McCarron for rocking the whole “SWAGGY BRO” vibe now that he’s a national champion college guy whose girlfriend rocketed to fame after she was made out to be the second coming of Helen of Troy on national TV? Hell no. He’s behaving exactly how I’d expect any 22-year old guy to behave. In fact, I’m a little shocked that he doesn’t have his own replica WWE Championship belt to wear everywhere. It’s a white belt, naturally.

However, I do have to issue one little, “Dude, come on, bro” for McCarron after he hung out with rapping Muppet Waka Flocka Flame over the weekend.

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Photo credit: Everywhere On The Internet

If you missed this yesterday, it’s a photo of Texas A&M quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Johnny “Football” Manziel sporting a suspicious-looking Texas Longhorns tattoo on his ribcage. Your first thought is, “this can’t be, Johnny Football would never get the Longhorns logo tattooed on his body!” Your second thought should probably be, “well, I don’t know, it IS Johnny Football, and it’s not like the rest of his tattoos are high art.” If you told me “Johnny Manziel has a butterfly with a tiger’s face in the wings tattooed on the back of his neck” I’d probably believe you.

Anyway, Johnny wrote an impassioned explanation of the situation in the editorial section of yesterday’s New Yorker, professing his love for the Aggies and promising his fans that he’ll never … wait, sorry, I got my notes mixed up. He did this:

Of course, Twitter has two ends (the asshole and the other asshole), so the conversation didn’t end there. Some fans (“fans”) started being Twitter People to Johnny about the photo, and because John Football is the type to register for online classes to avoid going to college with other college students, he handled it delicately.

Here are a few of his interactions with the world of Trollgaze:

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Miami Herald FIU football writer David J. Neal posted a rather humorous common sense piece over the weekend regarding two young, naïve Panthers Tweeting about how they took a recruit to a strip club during his visit. Though his Twitter account has since vanished, the Tweets in question originated from sophomore DB Demarkus Perkins, or at least that’s what the handle @DPerk_15 would lead me to believe, despite him wearing No. 14. Kids these days and their crazy Tweeter names.

Basically, Perkins just laid it all out there…

And then he incriminated his teammate Isame Faciane, or @ICEem_down, by talking about something called a “snow bunnie” and I would very much like to know what that is.

Perhaps I can go undercover as a football recruit – my natural physique would suggest third-string place holder – and get these men to take me to a strip club. Alas, that is another stakeout for another day. In the meantime, Neal’s takedown of this inexplicable violation of the NCAA football bro code – “Thou shalt not commit infractions, but if you do, thou shalt not Tweeteth about it” – makes a lot of sense, as he believes that players shouldn’t be this dumb anymore. He also uses the phrase “Twerk Twins” and I would like to know which strip club he has been going to.

Unfortunately, I do not ultimately agree with Mr. Neal’s stance, because we want college football players taking recruits to strip clubs. We NEED them taking recruits to strip clubs. And it’s about time that we truly glorify this act.

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Like most people, when news broke that the New Orleans Hornets were changing their name to the Pelicans, I was all like, “Pelicans? That’s a stupid mascot,” as I hid my Magic gear from plain sight. But thankfully I follow some diehard New Orleansonians on the Tweeters, including our good friend Chris Trew, and I now believe that with the bird’s actual legacy to the city combined with how amazingly nasty they are in nature, the Pelican is a phenomenal choice for a mascot.

However, some people are still making snap judgments based on ignorance, chief among them former Hornets guard, all-around good person and graduate of the LeBron James Institute of Get Me the F*ck Out of Here, Chris Paul.

Pelicans??? #ImNotRollin

— Chris Paul (@CP3) January 24, 2013

Don’t bother going to check the responses to that Tweet, because I can sum them all up for you with this sentence: “Gooooooooooooooooooo f*ck yourself.”

Local news anchor Scott “Not That Governor Dick” Walker perhaps shared the loudest sentiment with the athlete who famously forced his way out of New Orleans by reminding him that nobody in that delightful party town really cares what Paul thinks. And then Walker was reminded that Twitter is an awful place full of awful people and it really needs an IQ requirement.

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