I will probably never do a Sports On TV column for the Disney Channel hit ‘Jessie.’ Not that I wouldn’t cover a kid’s show — I’ve already done SOTV entries for ‘Arthur’ and ‘Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers’ after all — but I lost track of what was going on on the Disney Channel when the Suite Life kids started living on a boat. I mean, uh, when I was 8-years old.

If a ‘Jessie’ SOTV does happen, page one will have to feature this Emmy Award-quality guest spot from Chris Bosh, set to air on Friday. Read this carefully, so you don’t lose track of the ‘Downton Abbey’-esque plot:

Chris Bosh is set to guest star in Disney’s Jessie episode titled, “Say Yes to the Messy Dress.” Among other things, we learn that Bosh’s aptitude on the court comes can be attributed to (at least in part) a putrid pair of lucky socks. The episode airs January 18, 2013 on Disney Channel. (via SLAM Online)

I’ve included a few clips below. Chris Bosh acting against a bunch of children. WHO YA GOT?

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Two days ago, when I compiled the Here’s The Rest Of The Christmas Stuff post, my intention was to never write about Christmas again. Along comes this clip of Megatron and Matthew Stafford starring in Kensington Church Christmas 2012, and I’m drawn back in for one last score.

There’s so much to love about this video, including:

1. The acting. MY GOD, the acting. They give the Kensington Church staff wacky lines where they playfully insult each other, and it’s like the between-songs dialogue in an episode of ‘Glee’ written by my Aunt.

2. Johnson and Stafford tossing around a football like they’re filming scenes for The Room.

3. Johnson and Stafford introducing themselves a la Resident Evil characters, as if we’re watching the Kensington Church Christmas video and aren’t gonna know who they are. “Picture this, me, Matthew Stafford, in a shotgun formation in Santa’s sleigh!” “And me, Calvin Johnson, the master of unlocking!”

4. Football players’ best idea being “say as much about football and Christmas as you can, whether it makes sense or not.” Seriously, listen to what they’re describing. It’s mind boggling. “I roll right to avoid the blitz from the Grinch!” And he throws “the tightest spiral you’ve ever seen” with a Christmas present. And then we dump Gatorade on the baby Jesus!

5. Megatron not being able to consistently say “present.” I CATCH THE PRESINENT.

And on and on. The precocious child who wants the play to be about Jesus! Jokes about pissing in a church video! Everybody involved just kinda swaying back and forth like they’re Street Fighter characters for no reason, because they aren’t actors and think they have to be dynamic! It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Or the gift that never gives. However that works. Remember, everybody: DO NOT GO TO CHURCH.

[h/t to Diehard Sport]

‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ has a great relationship with pro sports, routinely playing Pop-A-Shot with Blake Griffin, honoring young Diamondbacks fans who probably don’t deserve to be honored or Skyping in with Roy Hibbert’s awesome dog. Kimmel has seen less success on the silver screen, where I’m pretty sure his two biggest roles have been ‘Client in Commercial’ in Like Mike and the voice of Spanky The Imprisoned Dog in Garfield.

Regardless of these seemingly unrelated facts, Jimmy Kimmel has teamed up with actor Gary Oldman for ‘Actors Against Acting Athletes’, a public service announcement telling professional athletes to stay the f**k out of movies. Not sure if this is in response to Kevin Durant’s Thunderstruck trailer, but it might as well be. For every Dan Marino in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective there are ten Howie Longs in Firestorm.

Actually, both of those were pretty terrible. Let ‘em have it, Stansfield:

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As we discussed yesterday, people were a bit perplexed when TNT NBA analyst Shaquille O’Neal was suddenly mentioned as a candidate for the vacant Orlando Magic GM position, because he’d spent the last decade completely pissing all over the franchise that drafted him No. 1 overall in 1992. Eventually, though, it made perfect sense when it was revealed that Shaq was being considered for the job because Shaq told everyone that, because he likes when everyone talks about him.

But Shaq tied up all the loose ends yesterday when he released a statement about how even though he told everyone he was interested in the Magic GM job, he wasn’t interested in the Magic GM job, adding: “I’m Shaq. Shaq Shaq Shaq.”

“When I first heard about the vacancy for the Orlando Magic general manager position, I was clearly intrigued. I was drafted by the Magic, I have a great love for the franchise, and I have made the city of Orlando my home. Additionally, I have great admiration and respect for the DeVos family. However, this is not a job I have an interest in pursuing. I feel very fortunate to be with TNT and to have the best job in sports. I look forward to many more years with Charles, Kenny and E.J. I wish the best for the Magic and I am confident that they will select a great GM and coach.” (Via Pro Basketball Talk)

The truth is, though, that Diesel’s schedule is just way too booked up right now. As you can see from the banner image – via The Superficial – Shaq is back to what he does best – making terrible movies. He’s currently filming the Happy Madison production Grown Ups 2, because all of the people who paid to see the first Grown Ups (my pick for Worst Film of 2010) said the same thing: “It was terrible, sure, but I feel like they could have made it worse.”

And because I’m in a retro flashback mood today, I’ve included a very important and relevant video after the jump.

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