David Beckham selfishly injured his knee in Real Madrid's 1-1 tie against Getafe, casting immediate doubt on his $250 million contract with MLS's LA Galaxy.

Beckham was hurt when he collided with the advertising signs behind the goal after running to hit a cross into the goal area. The injury was described on the Real Madrid website as possible ligament damage to the right knee.

Advertising sign? Oh, the irony. Advertising giveth millions of dollars, advertising taketh away.

I'm no doctor, but I would think that the fastest way for Beckham to heal would be bed rest. Lots and lots of bed rest. And I'd have Victoria get one of those nurse's outfits — perhaps something from this fine collection.

I think you see where I'm going here. Anyone who discounts the recuperative powers of freaky nurse sex obviously doesn't understand sports medicine. 

Pictured here is Gia Allemand, a 5'4", 100-pound student who also happens to be the fiancée of Yankees money pit Carl Pavano. Apparently her appearance in Maxim's Hometown Hotties raised some interest, because Page Six has a tease of a nugget this morning:

The brown-haired beauty had been pursued by Penthouse and agreed to do a photo spread if she could cover her nipples with her long tresses, but the deal fell through when Penthouse told her it had a "no hair over the boobs" policy.

Gia, baby, lighten up. Live a little. Show off what God gave you. Penthouse is totally in the right here. Hair over the boobs is a staid lad-mag cliché, and the "no hair over the boobs" policy is almost as important as my "no hair on the vagina" policy. Penthouse may not be showing girls peeing any more, but the day they stop showing nipple is the day I die.

And another thing, Gia: ditch the zero and get with a hero. No seriously, I'm a combat hero. Of course, it wasn't my choice to call me that: it was the government. I was just doing my job. Unlike your glass-armed fiancé.

I was looking and looking for some kind of story that would be interesting for my next post, but instead I decided to go with what I do best: an obliquely sports-related piece of tail.

The lady in question here is Julianna Zobrist, wife of Ben Zobrist (who?) of the Tampa Devil Rays (what?). I guess Ben plays shortstop for the Devil Rays, and I guess the Devil Rays are in Major League Baseball, although I've never heard of them before. 

According to Devil Rays Index and this article, Julianna's an aspiring artist in the field of Christian music. But before you use the term Christian "rock," be advised that her MySpace page is loaded with samples of her music, and it wouldn't be a bad knock-off of Imogen Heap were it not for her occasional mention of Jesus in the lyrics.

So, there you go: With Leather's Christian Music Athlete Wife of the Week. Somehow I think this will be a one-time award. Unless Amy Grant marries Dennis Rodman. What a minx! Tell me I'm not the only who got a boner to the "Every Heartbeat" video.

Orioles pitcher and renowned golddiggee Kris Benson will miss all of 2007 with a torn rotator cuff in his pitching arm, and let me take this opportunity to say that I don't care what kind of awful loudmouth she is, I would totally go for Anna Benson. Hello, she was a stripper? Done and done.

However, lest I veer too far away from the scalpel-like sports insight that everyone comes here for, I should point out that the O's have signed Benson's former Mets teammate Steve Trachsel to fill void of mediocrity left in Benson's wake — not the first time Trachsel will get starts thanks to Benson injury.

Anyway, it's a worthwhile story line to keep an eye on, especially when Trachsel starts against the White Sox. For those of you who may have forgotten, this site's fine assistant editor is less than enamored with Trachsel's lethargic pace on the mound.

Seriously, though: Anna Benson. I just know she wants to be mistreated. 

Bad news, ladies: Phil Mickelson spent the offseason working out, and now he's lost that lovable cuddliness that makes him the fan favorite everywhere he goes.

Can you picture Phil Mickelson lifting weights and doing 90 minutes of cardio workouts six days a week?

No, but go on.

Mickelson, who begins his season Wednesday with the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic in the Palm Springs, Calif., area, says he has done those things and has lost 25 pounds to prove it.

Twenty-five pounds? But who's going to breast-feed the children? (Please say Amy Please say Amy Please say Amy Please say Amy)

Oh, and if somebody can find a higher-res version of Amy in a swimsuit from that famous Sports Illustrated shoot, I think we'd all appreciate it — just send it to me via the email address on the contact page.

Hat tip: NBX

This one's for all the Angeleno girls who've been hating on the skinny bitches: just take your anorexic rival to a Dodgers game, where $35 in advance will get you the all-you-can-eat option in the rightfield bleachers.

Takers will have access to as many hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soft drinks as they want. "Instead of paying cash, fans ask for whatever they want, and they get it. There are going to be some self-service parts, buffet-style, as well," said Dodgers executive vice president and chief operating officer Marty Greenspun…

Finally, a genius executive has mixed America's pastime (baseball) with America's pastime (getting fat on preservative-laden food). 

But it's good news for one new resident of Los Angeles. Victoria Beckham could use the extra calories on that toothpick frame of hers.

Oh, who am I kidding? Don't you dare change a thing, Vicki. Your thumb is all the sustenance you need.