Beware all ye who tread beyond this image.

There are some days that I look up at the sky and wonder if the world really is coming to an end, and today’s not just one of those days. I think it’s the day that we’ve finally received an answer. Susanne Eman, the World’s Fattest Woman, is getting married. And of course it’s to a chef, because her story just had to get dumber.

Last year, we introduced you to Eman, who hails from Phoenix and had the aspiration of doubling her weight from 800-pounds to 1,600-pounds or 4/5 of a f*cking ton. Sadly, we later learned that doctors stepped in and told her that if she continued this ridiculous quest, she’d die before she ever hit her goal. So she stopped, and it seemed like her fame did as well.

Guess again, skinny britches! Eman’s back and she’s finally found love in a colonoscopeless place, and she’s adding one more world record notch to her equator belt – the world’s largest wedding dress. Give me the quote of the year, Huffington Post!

“I like an off-whitish, not completely white. Because if I wear completely white, I guarantee I’m going to spill something on it,” Eman told Inside Edition.

Just how big is the world’s largest wedding dress? 45 FEET OF MATERIAL! Her waist is 9 feet! Responded a naked child in Africa, “That’s cool, I’m good.” Let’s just hope that Eman never discovers Kate Upton’s Fashion Bridal Lingerie collection. *shivers*

Eman has also decided that her health is meaningless, because she now wants to achieve the status of the fattest woman ever. That record currently belongs to Rosalie Bradford, who died in 2006. I assume from natural causes.

I know what you’re wondering: “Does this classic American love story come with fries pictures?” You bet your ass. Maybe keep that Kate Upton link open just in case.

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There are two major perks to living in Austin, Texas, and I’ll let you decide which one is better:

1. We have a festival for something every two weeks.
2. We’re one of the stops on the nationally touring Air Sex World Championships series.

If you haven’t seen an Air Sex competition before, you’re in for a treat. Possibly a stomach ache too, but definitely a treat. Air Sex works just like Air Guitar, except instead of pretending to play guitar you’re pretending to rail or be railed by any number of invisible persons, things and objects. It’s … an experience.

The Air Sex Championships rolled into town to help unofficially kick off this week’s Moontower Comedy and Oddity Festival as both comedy and oddity, and With Leather representatives were there to exclusively capture the action.

Reader discretion is advised. Sort of.

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Tomorrow marks the beginning of the 103rd annual Drake Relays at Drake University, at which more than 8,000 athletes and spectators will gather to participate in the record 120 events at this year’s competition. The Relays began in 1910 with 100 people both competing and cheering each other on. Now, the event is widely regarded at Iowa’s premier sporting event. Better luck next year, competitive corn shuckers.

But more importantly than any heptathlon, decathlon, or dodecahedronathon was the Drake Relays preliminary event that took place yesterday as the official launch to the week – the 33rd annual Drake Relays Beautiful Bulldog Contest. Fifty bulldogs showed up for this year’s poochstravaganza, and a bulldog named Tyson (above) was the ultimate good widdle boy. Joining Tyson’s court were:

Runner-up – Charlie
Oldest bulldog – Max, 10-year-old
Best Dressed – Flethcher, dressed as Jethro’s BBQ’s famous “Emmenecker” sandwich
Mr. Congeniality – Vinny
Miss Congeniality — Heartstopping Ittybitty
Farthest from the Doghouse – Pork Chop, from Cambridge, Minnesota

(Via the Des Moines Register)

I’ve definitely added the Drake Relays to my sports bucket list, but not because I want to go see a few thousand people try to be the best at exercising – although finding the next Allison Stokke should be any sports blogger’s greatest ambition. I just want to spend a whole day judging bulldogs for their costumes. Seriously, costumed bulldogs are the key to world peace, just look at the pictures after the jump and tell me you feel like doing anything other than rubbing a tummy or 50.

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We don’t often get to talk about art around these parts, and that’s a shame, because I like to fancy myself one classy son of a female dog. After all, I’ve used the bathroom at the Louvre. And speaking of bathrooms and art, a Taiwanese art student recently answered the age old question: “Is urinating considered art?” The answer? You bet your golden showers it is.

While going to the bathroom one day, Wong Tin Chuen noticed some blood in his urine. While that would make me scream like a battered child, Cheun thought to himself, “Hey, that looks a little like Iron Man’s helmet!” So did Cheun go to the hospital to have his abdominal pains, dehydration and bloody urine examined? Of course not. He went shopping for a new toilet.

He took about two months to find a toilet bowl with a similar oblong shape to the outline of Iron Man’s face. Then he was eating edible pigmentation and successfully produced red, black and green urine. He arranged the colored urine to make it look like the character, and used his saliva to create foam for touching up. He needed to keep adding spit to his work while waiting for the judges to get to him during the contest. And of course, his artwork had produced a foul odor at the exhibition. (M.I.C. Gadget via a delightful attempt by Google to translate the China Times)

“Why on Earth would he do this,” asked every sane person who doesn’t possess a predilection to play with his own urine. Because Cheun won $400,000 for his new “blood urine” art…

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He’s back, in pog Asian variety show form!

There isn’t a lot of available information about this video, courtesy of Outside The Boxscore, but all you really need to know is that it’s a guy dressed like Jeremy Lin on an Asian dance contest/’X Country’s Got Talent’ show.

My theory is that it’s an illustration of how sports writers saw Jeremy Lin all along, a look deep into the recesses of their brains, and that the casual racist tweets have evolved into this video of Lin speaking Chinese, pop-and-locking for the enjoyment of Asians and missing jumpshots. It also may or may not have been created by Next Media Animation.

Worst case scenario, this is the first video on the New York Post’s YouTube channel. I like it, though, and as I always say, “Lin-mitation is the Lin-cerest form of flatt-emy”.

Goodnight, sweet princess.

I hate to bring such bad news this early in the day, but on Saturday, March 10, in the early hours of the morning, Yoda passed away at the tender age of 15.

Last June, we celebrated the tale of this Chinese crested Chihuahua mix, as she was named the World’s Ugliest Dog at the annual Sonoma Marin Fair in California. We hardly knew anything about her, but she became sort of a symbol and mascot for us, as she wasn’t the most beautiful creature, but damn it she had personality. You know, in case Kate Upton is searching for metaphors today.

But today we celebrate Yoda for her great life and accomplishments, as she not only towered over her peers in victory and recognition, but she also did that loyalty thing that makes dogs so awesome. Pour a little out for Yoda tonight, friends, and bow your heads as we remember Yoda with the official With Leather mourning jam.

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