This video is nearly 17 minutes long and is incredibly boring — at one point the cameraperson seems to forget they’re taping a competition at all and just films peoples’ shoulders — but it’s necessary to illustrate Joey Chestnut’s remarkable win at the 2012 Buffalo Wing Festival, and punctuate what a gross f**king human being he is.

Joe took in almost eight goddamn pounds of chicken wings to set the course record, defeating the second place finisher by over a pound of chicken and third place by over two. How depressing is it when you eat over five pounds of food in 12 minutes and finish third? The bar is set too high. Here’s the final tally:

Joey Chestnut: 7.61 pounds
Sonya Thomas: 6.36 pounds
Juliet Lee: 5.36 pounds

Be sure to stick around until the very end, when Chestnut has his hand raised by a guy in a king’s robe and a chicken wing hat like he’s on the Bozo Show. That’s the kind of special touch that makes the competitive eating world’s crowns so prestigious. Also, the ring girls in high-waisted mom shorts.

If you’re wondering how long it takes to shit out a newborn-baby’s-worth of fried food, here’s an important Twitter update from the world champion:

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"Play some Enya, chick babe."

Sometimes I just don’t understand how people come up with their world record attempts other than the standard excuse of, “We just felt like it.” Apparently 641 people just felt like rubbing each other’s backs yesterday in Thailand, because that’s how many masseuses it took to break the world record for the most people spontaneously massaging each other at the same time. I assume the world record for most people who couldn’t roll over for a minute because of a boner was also broken.

The previous record was set in 2010 when 263 performed massages at the same time, and I guess 2012 has just turned into the year of sh*tting all over Australia’s world records. Whatever doesn’t kill them, I suppose. Enough about Australia, let’s celebrate the people of the hour: masseuses!

“It was easy because this is what we do every day for a living,” said 53-year-old Chayanan Chanwuttisawan, one of the mostly female masseuses who took part in the event. “I’m proud of myself and my profession. I never thought we’d have a chance to be recognized like this.” (Via Bloomberg)

But the real question here is how are we supposed to take this record seriously when it was broken in such a notoriously sordid place?

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Hold your heads high, previous record holders from Australia.

Last year, we brought you the brave news of 357 Australian women who gathered to raise awareness for the lack of women wearing bikinis on a beach one day while they also broke the Guinness World Record for the longest bikini parade. Earlier this year, 450 braver American women gathered in Panama City Beach to break that record, and I’m not being sarcastic with the use of brave this time, because some scary ass people hang out in that town.

And now, in the least surprising global news of the year, the United States has once again fallen behind China. Last weekend, 1,085 women took part in a bikini parade in Huludao, China to absolutely decimate Florida’s record. But after reading this brief description of China’s effort at RT, I can’t help but think it’s a little unfair.

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Last year, we were introduced to Pauline Potter, the World’s Heaviest Living Woman according to the Guinness Book of World Records and despite what Susanne Eman might have to say about it. In retrospect, I wonder what Skinny Gossip would think about me using a picture of Kate Upton as the opposite of morbidly obese. It would probably melt her/his brain.

But I digest. It turns out that Potter, the woman who once claimed that she lives to overindulge and eat whatever she wants, is doing her best to lose weight. And it’s working. She has found a way to burn 500 calories more each day and she’s dropped from 643-lbs. to 545-lbs. So how exactly did Potter lose 98-lbs. that fast and effectively?

You must know where I’m going with this.

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While we certainly enjoy the big time dog shows like the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and Purina’s National Dog Show, they’re mostly a little too 1% for our tastes. After all, this is a blog of the people, with our blue collars and armpit sweat. That’s why we can appreciate a pooch contest that gives rescue dogs their moment in the sun, like the 2012 World’s Ugliest Dog Contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, California.

The owners of 29 “ugly” dogs vied for the ultimate title and $1,000 prize over the weekend, but when all the hairlessness and derpy tongues had crossed the stage, only one critter was left standing.

The United Kingdom challenger Mugly took the title after traveling around the world to wrest the title from contestants of questionable beauty with names like Handsome Hector, Creature, Rue, Icky, Spam-O-Rama, and Mouse. Mugly is the UK’s ugliest dog.

Said owner Bev Nicholson, “I couldn’t speak when they announced Mugly’s name. I didn’t know which way to look. I was shaking as much as the dog.”

Not to take away from the ugly efforts of the other dogs, but if I were looking to get a horse (dog) in this race, I’d most certainly go with the Chinese crested, because it just seems like those dogs are the New York Yankees of ugly dog contests. It’s almost unfair.

After the jump, check out the best of the winners and competitors of this year’s World’s Ugliest Dog Contest and be thankful that some people believe that mutt beauty is only skin deep, too.

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If I had to define and specifically choose one dream job for myself for the next 365 days of my life, I’d want to travel around the country, attending the most bizarre and ridiculous competitions. That is, of course, unless someone posts a Monster.com ad for “Kate Upton breast holder”, in which case I will take that, please.

Sure, I could cover the Super Bowl and World Series and that would be cool, because they’re super huge events, and all that jazz. But to be able to cover the U.S. Beard and Mustache or American Pole Dancing Championships would be so much more incredible, because who the hell are these people and where do they come from? I’m fascinated by the strange and extraordinary.

This week’s bucket list event comes in the form of the 2012 Old Timey Coney Island Strong Man Spectacular. Upon first glance, it looks like your ordinary hipster festival, but I feel like once you see a man pull a truck with his hair, you enter an entirely different realm.

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