When it comes to Christmas and birthday cards, I’ve always been a lot like Jerry Seinfeld in the sense that I’ve never known how long you’re supposed to keep a card for. I mean, it’s just a piece of paper with something already written on it, and then your mom’s or a hot Asian model’s signature. But just to be safe, I now have a box of cards that I keep in my home office (AKA the Fart Factory) in case one of my insane relatives ever calls and demands to see whatever Snoopy joke they sent me in 2002. And now I just want to scratch my name out and send all of those cards to 9-year old Dalton Dingus in Kentucky.

Dalton is dying from cystic fibrosis and his one wish is to break the Guinness World Record for receiving the most Christmas cards. It started as something with his family, friends and neighbors, but then, as always, the Internet went to work. Excuse me while I set the world record for most allergic reactions.

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Real Talk: I’ve been getting really tired of all of these stupid “online petitions” to the White House for Barack Obama to do this or that in regard to something incredibly meaningless, like forcing Jerry Jones to sell the Dallas Cowboys or “pardoning” the Ohio State Buckeyes for Jim Tressel’s cheating ways or saving dying kids in Kapoopystan. Well I’m sorry to be the jerk, people, but God intended for people to get sick and the Buckeyes to be punished. However, if an online petition would work in making it so that Caddyshack 2 never existed, then I’d allow for this lame trend to continue. Thanks, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Speaking of ridiculous trick golf clubs – segue of the year? – Texas club pro Michael Furrh, whose name is so much fun to say out loud, recently broke the world record for the longest golf club. The standing record had been set by Karsten Maas in 2009 with a 13’5’’ driver, but Furrh topped that with 14-feet even. So why would he do that? Who the hell knows, but he was able to drive a ball 146 yards with his PVC pipe with a club head, and that makes me feel like absolute crap with my horrible slice and lack of focus.

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That’s it, folks. Shut down the news for the rest of the year. We’ve got the most incredible, most scandalous news that is going to rock the very foundation of journalism itself this morning – despite the fact that it has already been reported elsewhere. However, when we pick a story up, things happen. Outrage grows. Fists are shaken in rage. So first, Leatherheads, the backdrop for this intense scandal…

Last Friday, 15 women vied for the title of 2012 Miss Bum Bum Brasil, which if you remember from earlier this year, is the world’s foremost competitive pageant for determining which Brazilian woman has the nicest backside. Of the women in this year’s contest, 25-year old Carine Felizardo (middle above) was declared the winner. Andressa Urach finished in second, while Camila Vernaglia took home 3rd place. In our book, though, they’re all champions.

As for her new title, Felizardo was incredibly humble and grateful for this supreme posterior honor.

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We’ve made no secret in the past that us gentleman at With Leather are huge supporters of women who believe that pole dancing is a sport. There are thousands, if not tens of thousands, of women across the world who currently compete for state, regional, national and international championships in pole dancing, and I think that’s fantastic, because it totally validates all those times that I’ve gone to “competitive pole dancing” clubs for “research”. And now, I’m proud to “report” that pole dancing is making the lives of many children better as well.

Fifty-one students at Newcastle University, in an effort by the school’s pole dancing club, broke the Guinness World Record for consecutive hours of pole dancing earlier this month, after they exhibited their athletic skills for an amazing 30 hours, raising $1,500 for charity in the process. And while that may not sound like a lot of money for their efforts, perhaps next year they’ll provide an ATM for the people in attendance.

So is that easy, ladies? You know, pole dancing for 30 hours?

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According to the Sword Swallowers Association – which I swear is safe for work – Ian Brown is a relative newcomer to the world of sticking dangerous blades into one’s esophagus, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not trying to figuratively carve his niche. Brown only recently decided that he wanted to partially ingest weaponry, yet he already holds the United Kingdom’s record for Most Curved Swords Swallowed at Once with a whopping two. And now, as if to tell the world that he is the king of curved swords, Brown has laid claim to the world record for longest sword swallow, as he held two blades in his throat for 13 seconds. Eat your heart out, Sasha Grey.

The attempt actually broke Brown’s previous record of 8 seconds, and while you’d think that a guy would get all Little Junior Brown for having that much metal in his mouth for that long, this Brown says it ain’t no thang but a METAL POINT TOUCHING HIS DIGESTIVE TRACK.

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The hardest part of owning a dog isn’t training it and remembering to do all the small things like feeding, walking and bathing it, nor is it teaching it how to run up to big breasted women with a rose in its mouth and a tiny little envelope with a hotel room key attached to its collar. No, the most difficult thing about being a dog owner is determining when it is acceptable to dress a pet in costumes, and the answer is two-fold: 1) On any holidays or sports game days for photos only and 2) Halloween. Those aren’t my rules, just Vatican law.

And people in New York City agree with those rules, as they gathered this past Saturday for the annual Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade and costume contest to determine which of the pooches in attendance wagged it best. The winner? Gracie, the puggish sort of thing in the banner pic.

The weather cleared up just in time for Saturday’s annual Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade. A tradition 22 years strong, this year’s costumes did not fall short with creative looks like Fifty Shades of Grey, Mutt Romney and this adorable Corgi Fire Truck. And while all the hundreds of outfitted pooches were winners in our book, Evita placed first with her ornate outfit. (Via Petside)

But when it comes to Halloween dog contests, there can’t really ever be just one winner, unless it’s a bulldog dressed as the devil. Unfortunately, there were no bulldogs dressed as devils at this year’s Tompkins Square parade, just a ton of other dogs in great costumes. After the jump, check out some of our favorites, and there are plenty more over at Petside and the HuffPo.

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