For those of you who don’t own the 2013 With Leather Calendar of Things You Probably Shouldn’t Know Exist*, May is National Masturbation Month, or as millions of men around the world call it – May. Naturally, there are special interest groups out there who have made it a collective goal to help both men and women understand that stroking the pickle and flicking the bean is nothing to be ashamed of.

So how do you spread this sticky philosophy? By organizing a month-long Masturbate-A-Thon in Philadelphia, naturally. The folks at ScrewSmart and Pleasure Rush! have established a CrowdRise fundraiser to help raise $3,000 during May in order to pay for a climactic (pun intended) event on May 27. Known as the Creamium!, this party will honor those who gave their forearms an extra special workout this month.

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One of the best perks of this gig, behind only working in my underwear and making Photoshops of Channing Tatum, is that people often send me very strange links, images and videos under the assumption that I’m into that kind of stuff. And they’re almost always right, because I love crazy sh*t. Then sometimes people also send me porn and it’s too strange, because it just is.

Right in the middle of that spectrum, though, is an email I received the other day from a reader who insisted I get hip to the world of “Hooping”. It seems that there is a whole world out there of competitive and freestyle hula hoops that I have never been even the slightest bit aware of, and it’s probably because I’m not a hippy. Specifically, I’m not a female hippy with dreadlocks. As always, though, I’m trying hard not to judge people, even when they follow up emails about competitive “Hooping” with hooping porn. But again, I’m not judging.

That said, my curiosity for hooping sent me on one of my classic YouTube and Tumblr journeys and I ended up falling into a wormhole that I almost never came out of. What I came back with is a collection of mostly SFW videos and GIFs that are downright hypnotic. Seriously, if this hooping thing is a cult, I could totally see how people could fall for it.

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Last week, a Jalopnik reader posed a challenge to the automobile-enthusiast site, as he wanted someone to design a custom car per his four-year old son Eli’s instructions. Specifically, Eli wanted his new super car to include:

• It’s a BMW
• 42 wheels, and of course 42-wheel drive
• It is powered by 19 Porsche engines, each producing 459 horsepower. I think they will need to be water-cooled turbocharged boxer 6s. This was entirely his own idea, but I commended his choice of using boxer engines for a multi-engine setup since they will stack so well.
• The engines are all linked to a single transmission. He didn’t specify, but I think viscous couplings for the inputs would probably be a good idea.
• Power output is subdivided to all those wheels via a series of limited-slip differentials
• There are seats and three steering wheels, and all three can drive the car at the same time.
• The trunk is full of toys and you can play in it

To recap, that’s a BMW automobile with a Porsche engine, 42 wheels and a trunk full of toys. Sign me the f*ck up.

So as Jalopnik’s faithful readers started posting their designs in the comments of that article, someone at BMW apparently took notice and decided to take care of Eli’s wish himself. And as you can see above, Eli’s new supercar has been brought to life.

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"What? No, Not f*ckin' that Brian Dennehy!"

For the first time in 11 years, my Brian Dennehy Google News alert finally paid off as I saw that he’d started a new job as the chief marketing officer for Nordstrom, and that at least sounded a little better than making cameos on random TNT dramas. It turns out, though, that Nordstrom’s Brian Dennehy isn’t the same one who played Tom Callahan, Sr. Instead, the Dennehy in question is a 40-something bro who just so happens to be locked in a 23-year old – he wishes I’d stop right here – game of tag with three of his old prep school buddies.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Dennehy and his friends gathered for a reunion in 1990, when they signed a “Tag Participation Agreement” that laid the groundwork for an annual game that lasts the entire month of February. While that sounds pretty simple, the friends are spread out across the country, which makes their scheming all the more impressive.

If only Kate Upton would agree to sign my “Seven Decades in Heaven” contract. Dare to dream.

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It has been a while since we last checked in on some of the more unique world record holders, from the world’s fattest woman to the other world’s fattest woman, as well as all of their lovers that have come and gone in between. Unfortunately, our spotlight is only big enough for one of these women at a time, and this week’s star is 39-year old Mikel Ruffinelli, who unlike those other rotund record holders, has managed to have her cake and eat it, too, in that she has a world record and her health isn’t in horrific danger. Well, according to her at least.

Ruffinelli currently holds the record for the world’s largest hips, as her body’s circumference measures an incredible eight feet, and you can leave your judgments at the salad bar, because she is wide with pride.

‘I love my shape and I see no reason to diet because I don’t have health problems,’ explains Mikel, has a proportionally small 40-inch waist. ‘Men don’t fancy skinny girls, they like an hourglass figure.’ (Via the Daily Mail)

Just for perspective, this is what an hourglass looks like. But again, Ruffinelli is proud of what she has accomplished, despite the remarkable limitations that she’s chosen to live with.

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In only a week, YouTube user “hippykiller1” – a handle after my own heart – has amassed more than 5.1 million views on his video entitled, “The World’s Shortest Escalator”. But what on Earth could that incredibly confusing title mean? As it turns out, it means that Mr. Killer1 believes that he indeed found the world’s shortest escalator at the More’s department store in Kawasaki, Japan. As the narrator explains, this 32.8-inch exercise in laziness is apparently a “thing of beauty and magnificence”, but to me it sounds like something you’d find in a Central Florida Walmart.

Unfortunately for hippykiller1, though, his claim that these moving stairs hold the Guinness World Record for being the shortest is a bit unfounded. In fact, it’s completely unfounded, because it’s nowhere on the Guinness website. Shock and controversy in the world of meaningless data to begin 2013!

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