Sorry if you were googling “my anus” and found your way here, I’m guessing this isn’t what you were looking for. Anyway, RFA fighter Danny Mainus’ last name is “Mainus,” and when you have an accent and say his name excitedly a bunch of times, dangerous things happen. If this isn’t viral by noon, you’ve disappointed me, Internet. (via Mentality Mag)

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The Best Of ‘Spring Breakers’ Director Harmony Korine’s Contentious, Hilarious Reddit AMA |UPROXX|

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McDonald’s F*cking Awesome New Burger |Smoking Section|

KSK Mock Draft: Naming Peter King’s Website |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Fake wedding proposals should be secret code for, “please break up with me immediately”. (via Los That Sports)

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Arbitrary Friday List: 15 Best Colors Based On Their Hypothetical Top YouTube Comment |Progressive Boink|

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So Are Spain’s 2012 Olympic Uniforms Trying To Look Like 1990s Hulk Hogan Or What |With Leather|

YouP0rn offers Fred Willard a free computer |Film Drunk|

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This colossal dickface wins the 3,000 meter steeplechase gold medal at the European Championships in Helsinki and celebrates by shoving an adorable mascot who happened to be a 14-year old girl. You’re on the list, guy whose name I can’t say or spell. (via Holdout Sports)

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From the video description:

After getting sprayed from point-blank range with some silly string, an upset Bruins fan goes after Tampa Bay’s mascot and gives him a push. He is then kicked out of the game. Seems a little silly to me, as it was just a little shove. It’s not like he beat the hell out of him (though he looks like he could have), and theres a fairly good reason why he was upset to begin with (though it WAS just silly string). Hot headed much?

So, where to begin?

1. You cannot get sprayed with silly string at “point blank range”. While we’re at it, you also can’t load a can of silly string with rock salt and spray it in a spread.
2. “Seems a little silly to me, as it was just a shove”. I’m guessing the sillier aspect of this is that a grown man would get sprayed with silly string by a guy in a plush firefly costume and his reaction would be to rush up the steps in a rage and shove it, instead of pulling the string off his face, saying “heh, argh you son of a bitch” with good nature and continuing to watch the hockey game as not a sociopath.
3. “It’s not like he beat the hell out of him (though he looks like he could have)” is the worst part of this. I don’t think anyone was calling the guy’s toughness into question and you don’t really have to jump to defend a guy who shoved down a cartoon character for f**king with him. I’m sure he’s sufficiently tough, and that he shows and tells people as often as possible.
4. “There’s a fairly good reason why he was upset to begin with”. There really wasn’t, unless “being a constantly-pissed off anthropomorphic dick hockey fan” is the fairly good reason. It’s hard to see a fat guy furiously running after a foam animal for accosting him with the solids version of a squirt gun and assume he’s doing it for a “good reason”.

The worst part is that Thunderbug was fired over this. Via the Tampa Bay Times:

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I had no idea that soccer EMTs having no idea how to operate a stretcher and lifting dudes into their own asses was an epidemic, but apparently it has happened before and Confianca player “Arthur” is its latest victim.

Our friends at Dirty Tackle do a fine job of recapping the event. All I could do was mutter “the horror … the horror” and sink back into jungle darkness.

the last thing Arthur needed was to be tossed onto a stretcher and then lifted directly into the taint of another human being. But that’s exactly what he got.

A few suggestions:

1. Don’t employ toothless gentlemen as members of your medical team.
2. Make the handles on your stretchers longer.
3. If you get hit in the face during a soccer game, walk away and do not make people carry you off on a stretcher.

When L.A. Lakers center Andrew Bynum isn’t elbow striking the Dallas Mavericks in their armpits, he keeps it classy by parking his BMW in a crosswalk and across most of a handicap parking space. Cameras at the Bristol Farms Market in Playa del Rey captured footage of the parking job, and would only be sadder and more disappointing if you could see a guy with crutches lying in the background, desperately reaching out for the front door.

A report from LAist.com gives us the hilarious followup:

When questioned by NBC4, Byum reportedly slammed his car door and drove away without comment.

With an annual salary topping $14 million, the $353 ticket, should he be cited, certainly won’t break Bynum’s wallet. But it is now apparent that the 23-year-old basketball star requires a boost in maturity along with an image revamp.

It’s a terrible image and perception when something like this happens.

“It’s a terrible image and perception when something like this happens,” said DMV Deputy Chief Vito Scattaglia, after NBC4 showed him the pictures.

Apparently this scenario is becoming progressively common in L.A., as numerous businesspeople have been caught on videotape using disabled placards and spots.

So not only is this indicative of Entitled Sports Jerks, but of Los Angeles as a whole. I live in Austin, Texas, and the worst thing I have to deal with in a Whole Foods parking lot is people walking across the street diagonally as slowly as possible. I don’t see any D-League Austin Toros guys parking their 5 Series on the sidewalk and shoving down amputees to get to the quinoa. But seriously, dude, you’re seven feet tall. If you park 10 rows back it’s what, four steps and you’re there? Those spots are there for a reason, and a comedy blog shouldn’t have to explain why you’re a dick if you park in them.