Insert your own tacky Rihanna joke here.

Allow me to set the scene for you. 7-foot Detroit Pistons center Andre Drummond is going up for a dunk. The only thing that stands in his way is 6-foot R&B singer and all around terrible human being Chris Brown. He does about as well as you’d expect on the block, considering Drummond is … ugh, it’s impossible to write up a story about Chris Brown without just typing in all caps about what a piece of shit he his. HE DOES WELL ON THE BLOCK CONSIDERING DRUMMOND ISN’T HALF HIS SIZE AND BEGGING HIM TO STOP BLOCKING.

Sorry, everyone. Here’s the video, so that you may enjoy it in your own way.

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Sorry if you were googling “my anus” and found your way here, I’m guessing this isn’t what you were looking for. Anyway, RFA fighter Danny Mainus’ last name is “Mainus,” and when you have an accent and say his name excitedly a bunch of times, dangerous things happen. If this isn’t viral by noon, you’ve disappointed me, Internet. (via Mentality Mag)

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The Best Of ‘Spring Breakers’ Director Harmony Korine’s Contentious, Hilarious Reddit AMA |UPROXX|

When You Replace The Fun. Song With The Score From ‘Requiem For A Dream,’ This Southwest Ad Becomes Evil |Warming Glow|

The Minecraft Beetlejuice Roller Coaster Is Pretty Amazing |Film Drunk|

Phil Mickelson Does Not Enjoy Your Dumbass Questions |With Leather|

There’s A New ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Game On The Way. It Looks Weird. |Gamma Squad|

McDonald’s F*cking Awesome New Burger |Smoking Section|

KSK Mock Draft: Naming Peter King’s Website |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Fake wedding proposals should be secret code for, “please break up with me immediately”. (via Los That Sports)

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Arbitrary Friday List: 15 Best Colors Based On Their Hypothetical Top YouTube Comment |Progressive Boink|

‘Whatchu Know ‘Bout Goosebumps?’: Video Explains Why The ’90s Kind Of Sucked |UPROXX|

Aaron Paul Was On ‘The Price Is Right’ In 1998 |Warming Glow|

The Superman ‘Man of Steel’ teasers are now online |Film Drunk|

Shocking Site News: We’re Perverts |With Leather|

5 Ideas For The Inevitable New Batman Movie Trilogy |Gamma Squad|

Remember When LoLa Monroe Used To Get Sorta Naked For A Living? |Smoking Section|

Hard Knocks Trailer Time: Are You Ready For The Miami Dolphins? |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

NBA Jerseys To Feature Small Ads Starting In 2013-2014 Season |Smoking Section|

So The ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ Blu-Rays Look Awesome |Gamma Squad|

So Are Spain’s 2012 Olympic Uniforms Trying To Look Like 1990s Hulk Hogan Or What |With Leather|

YouP0rn offers Fred Willard a free computer |Film Drunk|

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This colossal dickface wins the 3,000 meter steeplechase gold medal at the European Championships in Helsinki and celebrates by shoving an adorable mascot who happened to be a 14-year old girl. You’re on the list, guy whose name I can’t say or spell. (via Holdout Sports)

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The Best Of #Larry David |UPROXX|

20 Reasons Why I’m Proud of American TV |Warming Glow|

WATCH: New Django Unchained spot reveals Samuel L. Jackson |Film Drunk|

Mario Balotelli Didn’t Need To Win Euro 2012 |With Leather|

5 Reasons It’s Worth Retelling Spider-Man’s Origin |Gamma Squad|

The 8 Absolute Best Ways To Beat The Heat |Smoking Section|

Michael Jordan’s Son Arrested While At Olympic Trials |Smoking Section|

Catwoman Looks Okay In New ‘Dark Knight Rises’ TV Spot |Gamma Squad|

The Dugout: You Gotta Keep Jim Thome Way Down In The Hole, Part 2 |With Leather|

Noted scientist Rob Schneider compares vaccinations to Nuremberg Laws |Film Drunk|

Condescending Critic Patronizes ‘Newsroom’ Fans for Patronizing Condescending Critics |Warming Glow|

15 Musicians Who Were Sent To Jail At The Peak Of Their Careers |UPROXX|

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From the video description:

After getting sprayed from point-blank range with some silly string, an upset Bruins fan goes after Tampa Bay’s mascot and gives him a push. He is then kicked out of the game. Seems a little silly to me, as it was just a little shove. It’s not like he beat the hell out of him (though he looks like he could have), and theres a fairly good reason why he was upset to begin with (though it WAS just silly string). Hot headed much?

So, where to begin?

1. You cannot get sprayed with silly string at “point blank range”. While we’re at it, you also can’t load a can of silly string with rock salt and spray it in a spread.
2. “Seems a little silly to me, as it was just a shove”. I’m guessing the sillier aspect of this is that a grown man would get sprayed with silly string by a guy in a plush firefly costume and his reaction would be to rush up the steps in a rage and shove it, instead of pulling the string off his face, saying “heh, argh you son of a bitch” with good nature and continuing to watch the hockey game as not a sociopath.
3. “It’s not like he beat the hell out of him (though he looks like he could have)” is the worst part of this. I don’t think anyone was calling the guy’s toughness into question and you don’t really have to jump to defend a guy who shoved down a cartoon character for f**king with him. I’m sure he’s sufficiently tough, and that he shows and tells people as often as possible.
4. “There’s a fairly good reason why he was upset to begin with”. There really wasn’t, unless “being a constantly-pissed off anthropomorphic dick hockey fan” is the fairly good reason. It’s hard to see a fat guy furiously running after a foam animal for accosting him with the solids version of a squirt gun and assume he’s doing it for a “good reason”.

The worst part is that Thunderbug was fired over this. Via the Tampa Bay Times:

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I had no idea that soccer EMTs having no idea how to operate a stretcher and lifting dudes into their own asses was an epidemic, but apparently it has happened before and Confianca player “Arthur” is its latest victim.

Our friends at Dirty Tackle do a fine job of recapping the event. All I could do was mutter “the horror … the horror” and sink back into jungle darkness.

the last thing Arthur needed was to be tossed onto a stretcher and then lifted directly into the taint of another human being. But that’s exactly what he got.

A few suggestions:

1. Don’t employ toothless gentlemen as members of your medical team.
2. Make the handles on your stretchers longer.
3. If you get hit in the face during a soccer game, walk away and do not make people carry you off on a stretcher.