Last month, 17-year old Josh Ehrenberg shoehorned himself into the national news scene when he told a local TV news crew that a man attacked him while he was mowing his lawn. Normally, this isn’t much of a story, because our society sucks and people attack each other all the time. But what made Ehrenberg’s case so remarkable was that he claimed the man got out of his car, shoved him from a riding mower and then he was apparently Tebowing. Because it all just sounds so true.

Well, the Shenango Township Police apparently have their man, as 53-year old David Edward McCosby was arrested for this heinous assault.

Investigators report that McCosby has confessed to assaulting the boy.

The assault came after the teenager–who was cutting grass in front of his family’s home–drove a riding mower “on the road, apparently into the path of” McCosby’s oncoming vehicle, cops reported. After exiting his car, McCosby approached the boy and “knocked the juvenile off the lawn mower and assaulted him in the front yard of the residence,” investigators alleged.

In announcing McCosby’s arrest, cops noted that, “After the assault, and prior to fleeing the scene, McCosby got onto his knee in what appeared to be a prayer. Witnesses described it as a ‘Tebow’.” (Via The Smoking Gun)

Originally it was Ehrenberg’s word against the world that McCosby Tebowed after assaulting him, and I didn’t believe it, because it’s just stupid. Now, though, it’s “witnesses” that saw McCosby Tebow, and guess what… I still don’t believe it.

I said it then and I’ll say it now – if this dude actually Tebowed after he shoved a teenage kid from his riding mower, he would have filmed it. Otherwise, it’s the dumbest thing ever. But now that I know that Ehrenberg was riding his mower in the road, I’m starting to think that there’s more to this story than what is being reported. Granted, I don’t know what kind of road it was or if McCosby is just a total dickhead, but I’m at least willing to entertain the idea that Ehrenberg was being a dick, because teenagers suck.

Unfortunate Update: McCosby killed himself. Jesus.

In a bizarre news story that is spreading across the Intertubes like wildfire, 17-year old Josh Ehrenberg from Shenango, Pennsylvania recently filed a police report after a man assaulted him while he was mowing the lawn. Big deal, right? Well, the attacker was allegedly driving by and stopped his car, just to get out, run up to Josh, and clothesline him off of the riding mower. Still not enough? How about if the mystery assailant committed all of the above and then celebrated by Tebowing? That’s Ehrenberg’s story, according to one of the stranger Smoking Gun reports of the year.

The car’s driver–who investigators describe as “a taller male, bald, wearing glasses”–exited his vehicle and approached the boy. The suspect then “knocked the juvenile off the lawn mower and assaulted him in the front yard of the residence,” according to police.

As the suspect walked back to his car (“possibly a 1980′s Chrysler New Yorker maroon in color”), he was observed “stopping and kneeling down as if in prayer (a ‘Tebow’),” noted cops. The man then fled the New Castle crime scene.

Additionally, WPXI Channel 11 News in Pittsburgh picked this story up, because Tim Tebow means ratings, even in little old Lawrence County. WPXI’s Gordon Loesch – who I assume introduces himself to people by saying, “Haha, no, I’m not the guy from Burn Notice, but I… I get that a lot” – has the shocking story that could possibly kill your entire family.

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"Oh God, I'm so sorry, please don't hit me."

Breaking news courtesy of TMZ:

UFC superstar Alistair Overeem — the guy who beat Brock Lesnar into retirement — has been charged with misdemeanor battery for allegedly attacking a woman in a Vegas hotel earlier this month.

According to the Clark County District Attorney’s Office … Overeem is accused of “pushing/shoving” a woman in the face at the Wynn Hotel in Vegas at around 3:00 AM on January 2 … just a few nights after he defeated Lesnar at the MGM Grand.

Law enforcement sources tell us the alleged victim is 5’4″ and 128 pounds. Overeem is listed at 6’5″, 260 lbs.

TMZ makes sure to call Overeem a “UFC STUD” for some reason, which is especially weird in a story about how he might’ve shoved a woman in the face.

Anyway, this could easily be a misunderstanding, a person looking for a quick payday or another example of a guy who fights for a living not being able to control his giant angry monster body, so who knows? We’ll keep you up to date when more information is available, and we’ll divide every sixth word in half with ellipses.

I’m an only child, but I’ve seen enough Home Alone movies to know that terrorizing and fighting your brothers and sisters are normal parts of human adolescence. You can put your finger in your mouth and jam it into your sister’s ear or put her in a headlock, and the worst thing that can happen is being swatted at and having the car turned around. Last week, UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller learned the hard way that adulthood’s version of swatting is “arrest”, and that the adult car gets turned around to prison.

Miller was arrested and jailed for assault after allegedly putting his sister into a headlock and refusing to let go. At first it sounds like a guy beating up somebody in his family, but the details make it sound pretty ridiculous. Via TMZ. Mayhem Miller sister has HEAD VICIOUSLY LOCKED!

Law enforcement tells TMZ, Miller and his sis were at a house party in North Carolina when his sister decided she wanted to take off. According to law enforcement, Jason’s sister claims he wouldn’t let her leave and put her into a headlock.

We’re told Jason’s sister managed to escape and notified the Chatham County Sheriff, who had Jason arrested later that evening for simple assault and false imprisonment. Jason has since posted bail and been released.

“False imprisonment” for a headlock is hilarious. I’ve seen Jason Miller’s headlocks, they aren’t exactly a prison. Calling the cops on your aggressive brother because he didn’t want you to leave a party is like crying sexual harassment when somebody tries to peel a gummy Venus off your ass. Of course, we weren’t there, so the severity of the headlock could be the issue, but I doubt he put his sister in a hammerlock and ripped her arm out of socket because she wouldn’t have another cherry bomb. Regardless, I hope “Jason’s sister managed to escape” means she powered up to her feet and hit him with some elbows to the stomach. Or she backed him in to the ropes and pushed him off.

Thank God he didn’t try to give her a noogie. What would that be, assault? An Indian Burn would definitely be assault. Pink belly, too. What’s a wet willie, attempted drowning of the ear?

[h/t to Cage Potato]

Try not to make the same face Shaq is making when you read this next sentence: Seven gang members allegedly kidnapped, beat up and robbed a record industry scout who claimed to have security cam footage of Shaquille O’Neal having sex with women other than his wife. Well, okay. LAPD detectives interviewed Shaq to determine what, if any, involvement he had in the alleged crimes, and while Shaq wasn’t listed as a suspect the case file went to the District Attorney, it is pretty awesome to imagine Shaquille O’Neal at the head of a gang roundtable in some hotel ballroom, chewing out some random Crip for taking notes during a motherf**king criminal conspiracy.

The assault victim/blackmailer is Robert Ross, famous for “delivering Ray J” to Shaq and being “cut out of the deal”. Isn’t that just like life? You find out Brandy’s little brother is a sort-of poor man’s Usher, and the rapping basketball star won’t give you money for it? Wait, I’m sorry, that’s f**king nobody’s life.

More, courtesy of TMZ:

Ross told cops after his falling out, he threatened Shaq by telling him about the sex tape, threatening to release it unless Shaq paid up.

As for the tape, Ross claims Shaq brought women to Ross’ home and had sex with them while he was married to Shaunie. Ross told Shaq a “security camera” captured the action and it was all on tape. But Ross told cops the security camera recycles periodically and the video no longer exists.

And there’s another twist. Around the time Shaq and Ross had their falling out, Shaunie separated from Shaq and Ross claims he began having an affair with her. Ross claims Shaq hired a private investigator to tail Shaunie and the P.I. caught the two together.

So a guy gets his ass beaten for making threats he couldn’t back up to Shaq (if the security camera “recycles periodically” how long could you have had the Shaq sex tape, guy, was it an afternoon), then comes up with newer, different reasons why Shaq should still do what he says. Good job, Robert Ross. Next time you hit up a Pink Dot, make sure it isn’t full of Crips in Shaq jerseys.

I’m assuming most of you that read this website went to college (that’s a lie), and thus you went through at least one year of dorm living. Who was the most hated person in the dorm? The residential advisor. He or she was the person that stayed for free but had to bust you for sneaking in that 30 pack of ‘Stones up the stairwell.

Looking back, you feel a little sorry for them. The job must have sucked, because you were the a$$hole that ruined the fun for all the little fishes. Another thing that would make your life suck? Getting beat up by two college basketball players.

That’s what happened to 21-year-old Yerkin Abdrakhmanov, a RA from Kazakhstan that got beat up by Johnnie Lacy and James Still, freshman basketball players at Providence who said they were going to beat up the next male that walked by.

Just so happened to be Yerkin.

The players “said they were going to beat up the next male they saw,” Ippolito said, reading from a police report. “The victim was just in the wrong place.”

He said Yerkin Abdrakhmanov suffered a broken nose and eye socket, and other injuries, and was treated in Rhode Island Hospital.

“This is a serious assault — without a motive,” Magistrate Joseph P. Ippolito Jr. said. –Providence Journal

We’ve all done stupid things as college kids (just check my early Facebook photo albums), but beating up some random exchange student for walking? At what point are collegiate athletes going to learn that doing these types of things will always become public?

If you don’t want the fanfare, I will gladly take your 6-foot-9-ness from you.

(Also, the photo is presumably James Still’s doing his best to emulate his future in collegiate basketball.)