Lacrosse The Movie: Like Drumline, But With The Whitest People You’ve Ever Seen

Written by Brandon Stroud / 11.28.11

lacrosse-drew-magaryFunny what you notice the first time you see a movie trailer. Hairlessly handsome white folk, narration that makes it sound like the first paragraph of a freshman essay … what’s impossible to know at first glance [dramatic pause] is everything else. Aaaand wipe!

Twilight’s Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene re-team in a story of young love and the true meaning of sportsmanship and life. Co-starring Chord Overstreet. Coming to select theaters and on Video On Demand December 2nd!

WWE Studio films have taught me that “coming to select theaters” is code for “Wal-Mart doesn’t sell direct-to-DVD movies so we’re releasing it in four theaters for a day”. I’m glad they’re doing it, too, because this movie has it all… Ashley Greene’s weird coke nose, Kellan Lutz not having armpit hair but being able to karate kick down a building, inaccurately played lacrosse … hell, it has everything you could hope for in a movie. Except a black person.

Wait, sorry, there are two black ladies in the crowd near the end. I didn’t notice them because my brain was recovering from “I know everyone faces hardship in life …it just seems like some people … are act’ally made SHRONGER by it”.

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The ‘Best’ Athletes And Other Stars From The 2011 Teen Choice Awards

Written by Ashley Burns / 08.09.11

The 2011 Teen Choice Awards took place on Sunday and if you’re unfamiliar with the event, it’s basically a competition between PR reps, agents, and studios to whore not only their young talent (and their respective vehicles) out to the most important demographic, but also their aging and increasingly irrelevant stars of TV and movies. It’s also a spectacular example of why even 18 is too young for people to be voting. Go ahead and make the national voting age 17, and I guarantee we’ll welcome President Kevin James in 2012.

My typical cynicism would suggest that I’m not a fan of award shows, and that’s a valid estimation, as I believe shows like the Golden Globes, MTV anything awards, ESPYs, and even the Grammys are so void of credibility that even getting upset about them is a waste of time. So why then would I waste my time on a rant on something as decreasingly credible as the Teen Choice Awards? Because I’ve had about enough of these kids on my damn lawn.

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