What you need to know:

season’s greetings from the Gunners : Wojciech Szczesny, Theo Walcott, Bacary Sagna, Per Mertesacker, Abou Diaby, Emmanuel Frimpong, Sebastien Squillaci, Vito Mannone, Lukasz Fabianski, Ryo Miyaichi and Andre Santos

What I don’t really know a lot about:

soccer

… so I can’t nitpick the Arsenal Christmas video too much, but I barely believe anything they’re saying. Watching a stone faced guy say “merry christmas” before removing a Santa hat that says “Merry Christmas” across the front is all well and good, as is making grown men who don’t speak a hell of a lot of English wear Rudolph noses and antlers and speak English, but I can’t shake the feeling that as soon as the cameras stopped rolling they tossed off their Christmas sweaters and started plotting its downfall. Maybe movies have taught me to be too judgmental of athletic Europeans.

Writing your own Arsenal Christmas wishes is pretty fun, though, you have to take a really simple sentences or phrases like “Merry Christmas” and say them in the most roundabout way possible. “I believe, that if possible, I will have, a merry Christmas.”

Also, pretty sure Abou Diaby is where Garfield keeps trying to ship Nermal.

[via Outside The Boxscore]

So Arsenal got smashed in its Champions League semifinal match with Manchester United last night (those names are linked up because this is America and you’re under no obligation to know anything about soccer). And apparently one of their fans took it a little too close to heart. I just spent ten minutes working on a ‘tie’ joke, which you’d think would be somewhat easy with a low-scoring sport like soccer and a fan from Africa that hung himself after his team lost. And I have nothing…except this bus ticket to Hell sitting in my lap. Eh, as long as it’s an aisle seat…

Suleiman Alphonso Omondi, a 29-year-old Kenyan living in the capital Nairobi’s Embakasi neighbourhood, hanged himself in his Arsenal shirt late Tuesday after the match, police said.

“We were watching the match at Bamba 70 pub, and when Arsenal was defeated, Suleiman just walked out in protest and he was crying,” Calvin Otieno, one of his friends, told reporters.

I can only say that I wish more Cowboys fans would start doing this. Seriously, I can appreciate that this guy didn’t just suddenly start rooting for the Red Sox after this game was over. Or whatever the English equivalent of the Red Sox would be. The Burgundy Knickers Cricket Club, perhaps? It just feels to wrong to be making such callous jokes when I haven’t even eaten lunch yet.

|IOL via Unprofessional Foul|

This Mercedes belongs to Arsenal’s William Gallas, who’s kind of a prick. But when you drive around in an entire car made of chrome, I’m sure everyone else seems beneath you. Shiny stuff rules.

Gallas, 31, was the centre of attention, despite not playing in Saturday’s victory over Rovers, in his shiny motor, believed to have cost him about £350,000. [about $490k US...]

The Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren is rated as the world’s fastest convertible, with a top speed of 207mph.

The irony is that Gallas was driving the car to a charity event. Or maybe that’s quasi-Alanis Morrisette irony, which really isn’t irony at all. If I need a knife and I have 10,000 spoons, that sounds more like the forces of probability in play. I can’t believe Dave Coulier hit that. Who would have thought Alanis would be such a sucker for the Popeye voice.

/Daily Mail, via Maj from KSK/

Andrey Arshavin, the Russian star acquired by Arsenal in a £16M transfer — yes, the same guy who designs women’s clothes — has some awesomely progressive ideas about gender roles.

“If I had it in my power to introduce a ban on women driving cars and to withdraw all their licences, I would do it without thinking twice.” [...]

Yeah!  Where else do they need to go besides the grocery store, am I right?

If girls are interested, he also reeled off a list of pre-requisite requirements that he looks for in the opposite sex: “I like tall, slim girls with narrow thighs and tiny bums. If a girl is like this I do not pay attention to her breasts. Hair colour doesn’t matter either. What is really important is her style and manners.”

Wait, did I say style and manners?  Because I meant legs and ass.  I get those two confused all the time.  I’ll be like, “Hey baby, I wanna stick my face in your manners!”  and she’ll be all, “Uh, thank you?”

Andrey Arshevin, a Russian soccer star newly transferred to Arsenal, has his own clothing line “ranging from dresses to sportswear” in his native country, where it is popular with women.

Arshavin, from a working-class family in St Petersburg, enrolled in the St Petersburg State University of Technology and Design aged 17, originally studying chemical technology, but taking up sewing because of the number of women on the course.

Sounds like my youth.  I originally spent all my time taking karate classes and wrestling bears, but I couldn’t help noticing that all the girls were doing different stuff, so I gravitated to what they did.  Stuff like choir and ballet and cheerleading.  And wearing makeup.  Long story short, a lot of girls say I’m their best girlfriend.

Here you see Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas getting set on fire.  I'm sure a lot of people are disappointed that (a) this doesn't happen to more soccer players, and (b) fire-retardant technology is so advanced.

Surprisingly, Fabregas wasn't just hanging out with a bunch of friends and some gasoline when they spontaneously decided to try this.  It's apparently a Nike-made viral video to promote the creatively-titled Cesc Fabregas Show, which debuts on SkySports in two weeks.  And by posting this video and sharing information about the show, I did everything the evil ad geniuses at Nike wanted me to do.  Dammit, Nike!  You used me!  Never again!

Still, though: it was pretty cool when they set him on fire. 

[FanHaus via Deadspin]