I like to imagine this video was created when the Don Draper of Taiwanese Animation walked into the studio (apartment where these are put together), wiped his hand across the sky and boldly stated, “Bobby Petrino getting a blowjob on a motorcycle”. And then those two high-fiving ladies from the end of the NMA World Edition videos drew up these beautiful painted storyboards of Petrino making O-face and powersliding off the road, and eventually it became what you see below.

Not to ruin anything for you, but at one point Petrino gets catapulted through a window when a domesticated boar headbutts him in the junk. Stay for the slow motion replay.

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Ryan Mallett was putting together a solid pre-draft performance for NFL scouts, but apparently the former Arkansas quarterback just ran out of gas. After flying into Charlotte for an interview with the Carolina Panthers (who have the No. 1 pick in the upcoming draft) earlier this month, Ryan called them the following morning, saying that he was too sick to make it.

Complicating the matter is the fact sources said Mallett was seen out on the town late following the dinner. Off-field questions have followed Mallett every step of the process since he announced he was leaving school in January with eligibility remaining.

Mallett, who was arrested for public intoxication in March 2009, declined to answer questions from reporters about rumored drug use at the combine in February.

–National Football Post.

Mallett has been a bit of a question mark for scouts–a great pro prospect with terrific tools abutted with character issues–but honestly, blowing off that interview probably saved his NFL career. Who the hell would want to play for the Panthers? They have a new, defensive-minded coach in Ron Rivera, and they’ll basically be rebuilding that team. That’s like blowing off an interview at McDonald’s for that guy. Ryan Mallett might be a complete idiot, but he’s no dummy. UPDATE: Mallett’s agent says the quarterback was in bed by 10. Who to believe?

Ohio State’s football team found itself in the Sugar Bowl last night with five suspended players that weren’t really suspended, facing a former Michigan quarterback playing for an Arkansas program in its first-ever BCS bowl matchup. In a game highlighted by dropped Arkansas passes and generally sloppy play from both sides, Ohio State eked out a narrow 31-26 win. The Buckeyes’ “Tat Five” featured prominently in the game, highlighted by Buckeyes quarterback Terrelle Pryor’s 335 yards of total offense.

Pryor reiterated that he plans to return next season, even though some of his major goals, such as contending for the Heisman Trophy, are now out of reach.

“I don’t think I’m ready for the NFL,” the quarterback said. “I got a lot of learning to do and better decision-making to make, on and off the field.”

–Y! Sports.

The game came down to the wire with Arkansas blocking a punt late in the fourth quarter before Arkansas quarterback (and Michigan transfer) Ryan Mallett threw an interception to defensive end Solomon Thomas to seal the win for Ohio State.

Pryor, Thomas and three other offensive starters were suspended for the first five games of the 2011 season for “receiving benefits not available to other students,” but were allowed to play in the bowl game (Ohio State has appealed the suspension). From a spectator standpoint, this was unquestionably a good thing, as a Pryor-less Ohio State team would have been throttled last night (they managed only three points in the second half with Pryor). It’s reassuring on some levels to know that the NCAA can keep its bottom line in mind while forbidding their players to do same. Img.

I can tell you one thing; I know what I like when I see it. And what I see is a big day in college football. Oh, the girls? Yeah, they’re alright, but I’m having trouble getting a read on their personalities and whether they share my interest in role-playing games and Star Trek.

There’s plenty of regional action kicking off at noon eastern (Big 10 Football on ESPN? Whoo!), but ESS-EE-CEE-SPEED (yeawww!) makes its regular season debut in a nationally televised game on CBS (3:30 ET), when the Arkansas Razorbacks (1-1) oink their way into Tuscaloosa to take on Nick Saban’s ego and his third-ranked Alabama Crimson Tide (3-0). I’m no great college football mind, so I’ll base my thoughts on the game entirely on the above photos, which means I’ll be pulling for Alabama. And then after a nap, I’ll pull for Arkansas, if you know what I mean. I hope the people seated next to me at the bar don’t mind.

Also on tap is #9 Miami at #11 Virginia Tech at 3:30 ET. It should be a rager. Try to make sense of whether you will be able to see the game or not on ABC, ESPN or ESPNHD here, because I’m lost.

In other news, word on the street is that Tim Tebow is one of several members of the number-one-ranked Florida Gators suffering from flu-like symptoms. In fact, Tebow took a separate plane (along with the other ill players – WTF? – he should fly solo) to Lexington for their game against the Kentucky Wildcats (ESPN2, 6:00 ET).

A source close to the team confirmed late Friday night that Tim Tebow was one of several players to fly on a separate plane to Lexington from the rest of the team because he is sick with the flu. The source said that safety Major Wright was also among the players on the separate plane.
[...]
The Gainesville Sun reported this week that 97 percent of flu cases on UF’s campus this fall have been the H1N1 virus, also known as swine flu. via. via.

Egads! Holy Father, why hast Thou forsaken Tim? The Lord does work in mysterious ways and perhaps this is simply his way of testing the most precious lamb of his flock. Kind of like when Satan tempted Jesus with that badass violin.

Wait. I might be getting a couple of stories mixed up. To be honest, Christianity isn’t one of my strongest areas of study. Everything I know about it I learned through Metallica songs and Danzig albums. In any event, with or without the Tebowner, I don’t see Kentucky snapping their 22-game losing streak to Florida. Just a hunch.

Superstud Arkansas running back Darren McFadden turned in one of the most impressive performances of the scouting combine when he ran a blistering 4.27 in the 40-yard dash.  But that may not be the only thing that's blistering if he keeps having so much unprotected sex.  From the AJC's Falcons blog:

[N]ews got out that Arkansas running back Darren McFadden is not only battling a paternity suit, but that he told a team during an interview Saturday night that he has two children on the way. In addition to meeting with the Falcons, he met with the Raiders, who pick fourth in the draft, and several other teams.

Whoa.  Now just hold the phone here for a second.  McFadden's in college and he's ALREADY having sex?  He really is a stud.  I mean, I guess I'd heard stories of sex happening on other campuses, but I always figured it was urban legend.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Northwestern. 

[Shutdown Corner]

Arkansas's All-American running back Darren McFadden was placed in handcuffs for his involvement in a totally bad-ass bar brawl with a bouncer last ni–WHAAAA?  A PIANO BAR?

Heisman Trophy runner-up Darren McFadden was handcuffed by police and then released without charges after being involved in a “pretty rowdy scene” at a piano bar early Thursday.

[McFadden] and at least four others were at the downtown bar when a disturbance broke out shortly after midnight, police Lt. Terry Hastings said. A bouncer was hit in the face as he was trying to get the group to leave, Hastings said. A police report did not specify who hit the bouncer…

Outside, McFadden was handcuffed by a police officer “because he was agitated and was provoking aggressive behavior inciting the incident,” according to the police report.

Dude, I can totally understand how this happened.  Have you ever been to one of those fucking piano bars?  They've got two assholes on different pianos, and they play whatever they get tipped most to play.  And so you get drunk and pay $20 to hear some Billy Joel, and you get to hear 4 bars of "Only the Good Die Young" before it gets interrupted because Mr. Blue Button-Down Shirt dropped a C-note to hear some Train.  Fucking Train, man.  That's how fights get started.