I can tell you one thing; I know what I like when I see it. And what I see is a big day in college football. Oh, the girls? Yeah, they’re alright, but I’m having trouble getting a read on their personalities and whether they share my interest in role-playing games and Star Trek.

There’s plenty of regional action kicking off at noon eastern (Big 10 Football on ESPN? Whoo!), but ESS-EE-CEE-SPEED (yeawww!) makes its regular season debut in a nationally televised game on CBS (3:30 ET), when the Arkansas Razorbacks (1-1) oink their way into Tuscaloosa to take on Nick Saban’s ego and his third-ranked Alabama Crimson Tide (3-0). I’m no great college football mind, so I’ll base my thoughts on the game entirely on the above photos, which means I’ll be pulling for Alabama. And then after a nap, I’ll pull for Arkansas, if you know what I mean. I hope the people seated next to me at the bar don’t mind.

Also on tap is #9 Miami at #11 Virginia Tech at 3:30 ET. It should be a rager. Try to make sense of whether you will be able to see the game or not on ABC, ESPN or ESPNHD here, because I’m lost.

In other news, word on the street is that Tim Tebow is one of several members of the number-one-ranked Florida Gators suffering from flu-like symptoms. In fact, Tebow took a separate plane (along with the other ill players - WTF? - he should fly solo) to Lexington for their game against the Kentucky Wildcats (ESPN2, 6:00 ET).

A source close to the team confirmed late Friday night that Tim Tebow was one of several players to fly on a separate plane to Lexington from the rest of the team because he is sick with the flu. The source said that safety Major Wright was also among the players on the separate plane.
[...]
The Gainesville Sun reported this week that 97 percent of flu cases on UF’s campus this fall have been the H1N1 virus, also known as swine flu. via. via.

Egads! Holy Father, why hast Thou forsaken Tim? The Lord does work in mysterious ways and perhaps this is simply his way of testing the most precious lamb of his flock. Kind of like when Satan tempted Jesus with that badass violin.

Wait. I might be getting a couple of stories mixed up. To be honest, Christianity isn’t one of my strongest areas of study. Everything I know about it I learned through Metallica songs and Danzig albums. In any event, with or without the Tebowner, I don’t see Kentucky snapping their 22-game losing streak to Florida. Just a hunch.

Superstud Arkansas running back Darren McFadden turned in one of the most impressive performances of the scouting combine when he ran a blistering 4.27 in the 40-yard dash.  But that may not be the only thing that's blistering if he keeps having so much unprotected sex.  From the AJC's Falcons blog:

[N]ews got out that Arkansas running back Darren McFadden is not only battling a paternity suit, but that he told a team during an interview Saturday night that he has two children on the way. In addition to meeting with the Falcons, he met with the Raiders, who pick fourth in the draft, and several other teams.

Whoa.  Now just hold the phone here for a second.  McFadden's in college and he's ALREADY having sex?  He really is a stud.  I mean, I guess I'd heard stories of sex happening on other campuses, but I always figured it was urban legend.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone to Northwestern. 

[Shutdown Corner]

Arkansas's All-American running back Darren McFadden was placed in handcuffs for his involvement in a totally bad-ass bar brawl with a bouncer last ni–WHAAAA?  A PIANO BAR?

Heisman Trophy runner-up Darren McFadden was handcuffed by police and then released without charges after being involved in a “pretty rowdy scene” at a piano bar early Thursday.

[McFadden] and at least four others were at the downtown bar when a disturbance broke out shortly after midnight, police Lt. Terry Hastings said. A bouncer was hit in the face as he was trying to get the group to leave, Hastings said. A police report did not specify who hit the bouncer…

Outside, McFadden was handcuffed by a police officer “because he was agitated and was provoking aggressive behavior inciting the incident,” according to the police report.

Dude, I can totally understand how this happened.  Have you ever been to one of those fucking piano bars?  They've got two assholes on different pianos, and they play whatever they get tipped most to play.  And so you get drunk and pay $20 to hear some Billy Joel, and you get to hear 4 bars of "Only the Good Die Young" before it gets interrupted because Mr. Blue Button-Down Shirt dropped a C-note to hear some Train.  Fucking Train, man.  That's how fights get started.

Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino resigned abruptly yesterday to return to the college ranks and coach Arkansas.  Former Arkansas coach Houston Nutt had departed for Ole Miss to take the place of the fired Ed Orgeron, who in my mind is the new front-runner for the Falcons job.  It would just be nice and tidy that way.

Petrino enjoyed remarkable success during his four years at Louisville before jumping ship and taking the reins of the Falcons, signing a five-year, $24M contract.  His main task as coach was to be the first man to make Michael Vick run a consistent, productive offense, but… well, we all know how that ended.

At $2.85M a year, his new Arkansas contract will be a substantial pay cut; however, he'll be saved the public embarrassment of losing most of his games in a pretty awful NFL division and insisting that Warrick Dunn deserves more carries than Jerious Norwood.  I'm obviously not a highly-coveted football coach, but I'd probably give more touches to the guy averaging six yards a carry than the guy averaging two.  Jeriously.

EDSBS: Petrino’s a great hire, a very good coach, and a terrible bet for the long run because he is to coaching slots what Ted Turner is to monogamy. In a perfect world, he really would coach several teams at once via video-conferencing and XBox style playcalling with a stingray-shaped controller.

I asked 289 to put together a photo compilation to help us with all the firings and hirings in the world of college football, and he kindly put together the above image.  As you can see, Houston Nutt's (top left) insane rambling about Darren McFadden couldn't save his job, and Nebraska's Bill Callahan (bottom left) also got the ax.  Also, Mike Sherman (sleeping) has been hired to take over the vacancy at Texas A&M, while Les Miles is widely rumored to be in line for Lloyd Carr's vacated spot at Michigan.

Also in that image, the… um, Duke guy, and… whatshisface from Georgia Tech were fired?  Sure, whatever.  In addition, the depraved intensity that is Ed Orgeron has been banished from the state of Mississippi, while Notre Dame's Charlie Weis has also been dismissed.

What?  No one's fired Weis?  Ten-year extension?  Man I don't understand college football at all.

Rememeber when your high school football coach told you every play was designed to go for a touchdown, and you were like "Yeah, right. A run between the guard and tackle? Or the Dave Wannstedt Draw? Whatever." Well, apparently that kind of dynamic play calling works in the SEC because LSU and Arkansas were carrying the pigskin over the goal line on some of the simplest plays ever devised. Arkansas' fullback ran the ball right through the middle of the line for a 65-yard touchdown in the 3rd quarter. And he's a white guy. Anyway, the Razorbacks defeated the Tigers in 3 overtimes because LSU coach Les Miles pronounced the name of the 25th state incorrectly:

"They weren't saying it right so we wanted to let them know how to say it," [Arkansas RB/QB Darren] McFadden said. 

Ah yes, I've heard they place primary importance on elocution lessons at the University of Arkansas. Enunciating correctly and clearly is very important if you're training for a career that uses a CB radio. Oh well, who will be the new #1 now that LSU has lost? Will Kansas beat Missouri? Will Ohio State benefit from not playing anymore games? Will my bookie let my legs heal before breaking them again? -KD