It’s time to flush the good will and fan song benefit-of-the-doubt earned by Ashkon’s “Niners In Paris” down the toilet, because the worst kind of guy who does things on the Internet (the bald, bearded guy wearing sunglasses on his webcam) has created “The Gronk Song – An Original for Rob Gronkowski”. It … basically destroys fan songs forever. And possibly rap music. And possibly white people. And uh, possibly people.

In a greater context, sure, there have been worse fan songs on YouTube and fat kids doing Ke$ha covers about hockey is objectively worse, but there’s something special about this video’s unique mix of bad rhyming, New England rabbel-rousing and full-on virgin-or-close-to-it perspectives on women.

Example:

Shopping for him must be hard to do,
’cause he wears a massive size-16 shoe.
He went to college in Arizona,
calls Bibi Jones when he gets a Gronk boner!

…but I guess if you like the Patriots and enjoy America’s constant attempts at being the next Free Credit Report Dot Com Band, you’ll like this. Just don’t let anyone hear you listening to it (or do, and tell them it’s a terrible new They Might Be Giants CD).

[h/t The Big Leadq]

Here’s another highlight from this weekend you may have missed if you don’t watch SportsCenter, as I don’t.  I’m not proud of that or anything, I’ve just gotten so used to absorbing sports through the Internet that a highlights show on TV takes way too long to get to whatever information I want to know.  What do you mean, after the commercial? I can’t wait that long!

Anyway.  Houston’s Aubrey Coleman casually walked on Chase Budinger’s face after Budinger took a charge near midcourt.  Coleman earned a flagrant foul and was ejected, while Arizona rallied from a 12-point deficit before winning in overtime.  The lesson being, don’t walk on anyone’s face.  Not for free, anyway.  You can make good money doing that.  You just have to find the right Craigslist ads.

[The Dagger]

>Bet the over for awkward pauses in conversation

Saturday’s Las Vegas Bowl will pit Arizona (7-5) versus BYU (10-2) in a clash of collegiate cultures, with the sun-drenched party culture of U of A going up against the Mormons and all their weird unsexy underwear and chaste do-goodery.  Big thanks to Every Day Should Be Saturday, which found this promotional photo of the team’s coaches; nothing quite says “awkward” like the BYU logo in the same photo as Vegas showgirls.

And, as if the idea of flocks of Mormons awkwardly looking at the floor as they walk through the lobbies of hotel/casinos isn’t wonderful enough: German icon, proud Wildcat dad, and hamburger enthusiast David Hasselhoff will sing the National Anthem before the game.

Hasselhoff, Mormons, and Vegas.  It blows my mind that this is an actual, real-life event, and not a TV pilot or the basis for an episode of CSI.  Seriously, a Mormon’s gonna end up dead just as Hoff walks off the field in an attention-grabbing cameo.  Then David Caruso shows up as an expert from Miami and says, “Looks like one saint just became more latter day than he wanted to be.” YEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

David Hasselhoff fired up the student section at the Arizona game this weekend, apparently because his daughter is an undergrad there. Because really, what undergrad daughter DOESN’T want her dad to come with her to the game? On a scale of one to drunken hamburger, this is slightly more embarrassing than “cameo in the Knight Rider remake.”

Notice the uncomfortable silence after he yells, “We’re all virgins!” while talking about Wildcat football games. You almost get the feeling that some of those girls may have been to an Arizona home game before.

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Arizona defensive end Josh Lewis, a junior walk-on, has been suspended indefinitely after this YouTube of him and a girl at a pool party surfaced.  I don't quite understand why.  I mean, he's just putting his hand up a drunk girl's skirt while she shakes her head "no" and tries to pull his arm away.  Football players are allowed to do that, right?  Isn't that the whole point of being on the football team?  How else are you going to get carte blanche for sexual assault?  … Well, I mean besides Craigslist.

UPDATE: If 'white gurls' was a major, I’d have my master’s degree by now…

[The Dirty] 

Last night I got this email from longtime Internet acquaintance The Dude regarding the McDonald's High School All-America Game, starring Brandon Jennings's haircut:

dude you have to check out Jennings' haircut from the mcdonald's all star game last night. As soon as I saw it I made the House Party comparisons, but those doofus commentators didn't make the connection until after halftime when I'm sure that one of their younger assistants alerted them to the fact. Also, I'm pretty drunk in classic WithLeather fashion and have had to make many deletions/corrections to this e-mail so it makes some sort of sense to you. I hope you're happy with my corrections and I will be satisfied with knowing that I won't be (possibly) crucified on the site for poor grammar like an Alabama/LSU/SEC team of your choice fan. Anyway, I demand a story on the House Party haircut of Jennings on par with the Drew Gooden Duck Tail post.

Welp, here ya go, Dude.  (Nice work on the grammar and corrections, by the way.)  Check it out!  His hair is tall!  Hey, did you ever notice how black people's hair is like this… and white people's hair is like this? 

…What?  Why is everyone looking at me funny?  If the '90s are coming back, then so are jokes from Sinbad's routine.

[SimonOnSports]