Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is the reason why the @Storytime series exists. It began with him live-blogging a run-in with police and has featured his in-depth thoughts on the Casey Anthony murder trial with only enough time to buy an alligator between.

Lucky for us, Dockett continues to find himself in Tweetable situations — this time he accidentally brought a gun to a Cardinals practice facility in Arizona, realized his mistake, tweeted about it, and got upset when more than one person said “why are you carrying a gun everywhere”. He compares himself to Sean Taylor, explicitly explains which guns his has and where he keeps them, and the story ends with him vowing to protect his family by buying … well, I don’t want to ruin it for you.

Please enjoy our continuing journey through the mind of an extremely sane man with @Storytime, after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

In what slowly developed into the most boring and worthless trade saga of this lockout-shortened NFL offseason, the Miami Dolphins finally told the Denver Broncos to F off in regard to Kyle Orton. Various outlets reported that the Dolphins wanted to send two late draft picks to Denver much like the Minnesota Vikings did for Donovan McNabb (two 6th rounders), but Denver wanted compensation along the lines of what the Arizona Cardinals gave for Kevin Kolb (Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a 2nd rounder).

Gee, which option did the Dolphins choose for a guy whose offensive numbers came mostly from playing behind?

[Matt] Moore, who spent the previous three seasons with the Carolina Panthers, arrives in Miami today to sign a contract worth $5 million with incentives that could push it as high as $7.5 million.

The incentives are mostly playing-time based, which means Moore would have to unseat incumbent starter Chad Henne, who threw for 3,301 yards and 15 scores while leading the Dolphins to a 7-9 record. (Via Oregon Live and PFT)

This story is boring, I know, but I’m using it to point out that nothing has changed. The lockout may have resolved the Collective Bargaining Agreement issues and ensured the league’s future for the next decade, but it didn’t do anything to solve the stupidity. Arizona gave up a good defensive player and a 2nd rounder for a guy who is unproven, and then they paid him $22 million in guaranteed coin. That’s a brand new precedent set, and Denver bit on it. Of course, it bit Denver in the ass, too, but just wait until Philadelphia signs Vince Young and then trades him next year. All over again.

Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett is a Renaissance Man. In the last week and a half he’s live-blogged a run-in with the police and purchased an alligator as a response to almost being bitten by one. Now, the only man to date to use wealth and social media properly is live-blogging his own response to the Casey Anthony trial, a trial America has been forced to follow in detail whether they want to or not thanks to the bumrush of television and online coverage. Seriously, it’s everywhere. I opened up my copy of Great Expectations and found an illustrated chart of Casey’s imaginary friends folded up and crammed inside.

So begins part two of our Darnell Dockett @Storytime series. A couple of warnings: this is reproduced from Dockett’s Twitter, so beware some foul language and adult situations even if the heavier stuff is edited. Also, there is a picture of Dockett’s son in some extremely small pajamas. And he’s trying to go to sleep in them! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Please enjoy a recap of (and a shared emotional response to) the Casey Anthony trial courtesy of a guy who owns an alligator and knows Kim Kardashian.

Read the rest of this entry »

Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is starting to represent his own branch of Darwinism. After live blogging multiple run-ins with the police he’s decided to fully chronicle his descent into off-season lockout madness by almost being eaten by a wild animal, then buying one.

The story begins logically enough, with Dockett wandering the Florida Everglades. His tweet of, “I’m out here messing with these gators in everglades! This mofo almost bit me!” was accompanied by a picture of said mofo. Having lived in South Florida myself, I know the proper response to almost being eaten by one of these things is to say “jesus christ” out-loud and move to Ohio. Dockett responded by buying his own alligator (pictured above) and telling everybody about how he’s going to take it to work.

If Dockett’s offseason continues at this pace, I expect him to be lost in the Old West battling aliens by the end of the Summer. Worst case scenario, we log on to Twitter and find out who’d win a fight between an alligator and a policeman.

[via Twitter]

Celebrities and athletes love Twitter, but very few of them use it correctly. Kim Kardashain tweets about how difficult the questions are on “Cash Cab”. Jose Canseco posts pictures of himself in drag so Lady Gaga will be his girlfriend. Or something. Not sure how that one works.

Arizona Cardinals defensive tackle Darnell Dockett is not one of those people. He’s using the Internet and social media correctly. And I mean come on, how could a guy with a Twitter bio like this go wrong?

That’s not a real website, by the way. Shut up.

Anyway, no, Dockett used his Twitter account to live blog an encounter with police who pulled him over for speeding, tried to search his car without a warrant, and did all of that dumb, manipulative team Cop Work cops do when they feel threatened. If you missed it, sit back, relax, grab a beverage and enjoy With Leather’s first edition of @Storytime. “99 Problems” comparisons optional.

[certain Twitter caps courtesy of The Chive]

Read the rest of this entry »

Rick Chandler of Off the Bench posted a note on Friday about Phyllis from “The Office” being a former NFL cheerleader, citing a story from years ago on Deadspin.

The actress who plays Phyllis is named Phyllis Smith, and she’s got a fun piece of trivia: She’s a former cheerleader for The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona St. Louis Cardinals. She was a dancer in the mid-80s, a cheerleader and burlesque performer, before she blew out her knee and became a receptionist for casting agencies. That ended up with her, by chance, being cast on “The Office” and becoming the most famous former Buzzsaw cheerleader we know.

Neither story featured any photographic evidence, so it was one of those things that boiled down to “huh”, and you prepared to move on from it with something to nudge people and say should The Office come up in conversation. Well, “pics or it didn’t happen” is now happy to take a back seat to “holy sh** that is phyllis from the office as an nfl cheerleader”.

The pic comes from St. Louis radio station Y98, who conducted an interview with the Bad Teacher star and delivered the goods. It’s a sort of heartwarming reminder of what cheerleaders used to be back in the day, when it was about dancing and having fun and not so much about doing that little hand waggle to move your pom pom while you squat in hot pants.

So with Mose Schrute turning out to be a prominent sports blogger and Phyllis having been a pro cheerleader, what’s next? Did Toby Flenderson compete in the ’96 Olympics? Was Bob Vance the original Ronald McDonald? Come on, out with it.

Edit: So the picture Y98 used is from Sports Illustrated from the long long ago. Thanks to Otto Man (with appropriate quotation marks) for pointing it out. Regardless, hey, she was supposedly a cheerleader, and if you didn’t read Deadspin like six years ago, consider it news.