Literally just a step up from Frank Stallone.

One of the first of many strange moments in this Peyton Manning free agency saga was actor Rob Lowe Tweeting that he “was hearing” that Manning would be retiring, presumably due to his 4th neck surgery. Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay fired back something about classic rock songs and his new El Camino – my memory might be a little hazy – and the rest of us just made a bunch of jokes on Twitter, while silently hoping Rob was right so it would destroy sports reporting as we know.

Alas, here we are, on the morning of Manning’s first free agency, awaiting his decision with baited (tee hee!) breath. And if you’d like to believe him, Rob’s brother, Chad, also seems to be a bit of a scooper.

So Rob said Manning would retire and he was wrong. Chad says Manning will sign with the Arizona Cardinals, so by law of DNA and celebrity dipshittery I would be feeling pretty great if I were a Denver Broncos fan right now. That is, unless you’re one of the 60% of Broncos fans who would rather have Tim Tebow under center for next season, in which case, there are plenty of tickets available for Jacksonville Jaguars games next year.

Good morning from Arlington, Texas, home of the Dallas Cowboys and Texas Rangers, neither of whom I am here to see. I’m updating today’s Morning Links from a Days Inn, and let me tell you, this is the best hotel room 60 dollars can buy. Did somebody say “exposed light bulbs”?

Links

EveryTweet_Ever Is Aptly Named, Hilarious - Link title is aptly named. Girl On Vacation is especially biting, even if I’m a sucker for pictures like that. [UPROXX]

The Five Grinchiest Comics About Christmas - The One Best Comic About Christmas: that Michaelangelo Ninja Turtles one-shot. [Gamma Squad]

Video: The Top 50 Moments Of The NBA Lockout Games - Now you too can be a basketball hipster, refusing to watch the NBA’s shortened season because Kobe dunking on Jewish guys was so much purer. [Smoking Section]

Jean-Ralphio: The Greatest Thing to Happen to Romance Since Color Me Badd - The only character I like more than Jean-Ralphio is Lil’ Sebastian. Oh who am I kidding, I love every character on that show. [Warming Glow]

Full trailer for Tim & Eric movie: Robert Loggia cuts off a lady’s finger - I don’t know who watched Tim & Eric and thought “hey, this will work for 90 minutes straight”, but more power to them. As long as Steve Brule shows up. [Film Drunk]

Kelly Brook Has A New Calendar And It’s Totally Sports Related - A think we did featuring 12-ish pictures of the biggest and best 32-ish year old breasts in England. Revisit it. [With Leather]

The 45 Most Powerful Images Of 2011 - This list became invalid when “Lady Gaga as human motorcycle” was not included. Just kidding, this is awesome. [Buzzfeed]

Sexy portrait of Queen Victoria painted in 1843 kept Prince Albert busy in the can - I’m not sure why “sexy portrait of Queen Victoria” is something that’d get me to click a link, but Jesus, here we are. [FARK]

Are Movie Titles Too Literal? - Yes. [Moviefone]

Tis the Season for Gingerbread AT-ATs - See what you’ve done, prequels? This would’ve been the coolest thing in history in 1993. [Unreality]

How Drunk You Can Get At Your Office Holiday Party - If your first thought was “I don’t know, let’s find out”, you are awesome. [BroBible]

Jeff Goldblum in a field with a butterfly on his finger - I’m going to convince myself this is an example of Chaos Theory. [The High Definite]

Viewer warning: Starting about when Meredith Marakovits says she “tucka loaka round”, this video clip from P.J. Whelihans in Downingtown becomes extremely Pennsylvanian.

Feast at least part of your ears on the continually-distraught “Angry” Greg Ryan, Philadelphia Eagles fan and local celebrity drinker whose impassioned commentary on his favorite downtrodden football team’s performance during their 21-17 loss to the Arizona Cardinals borders on “It’s Still Real To Me, Dammit” and draws the most amazing look of “this f**ken guy” from Meredith. She should win a cable Emmy for her face during this.

Highlights of the video include the impossibly-disgusted way he says “deh Cleveland Browns”, his extended ship allegories and that amazing moment at 2:01 where she asks him if he’ll keep supporting the team and he’s forced, if only for a moment, to reevaluate his entire life. The highlights of the video’s YouTube page are those crazy comments about the FBI has declassified documents about how many Super Bowls Michael Vick would’ve won by now had it not been for George Bush and Dick Cheney.

Also, how creepy is the Comcast team at the end? The “what Meredith doesn’t understand is that there is no next week” comes off sounding less like football talk and more like ominous prognostication. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t root for the Eagles.

[h/t Cosby Sweaters]

"Haha, I'm toally gonna stay in school."

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

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I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong about something, so I had no problem making fun of myself yesterday while Ray Rice made me and the Pittsburgh Steelers look incredibly foolish. In fairness, my fantasy football rankings were doomed because I wrote them too early, since I would clearly never take Arian Foster and his hamstring with the first pick, but more importantly because Rice was going to benefit from the disappearances of Willis McGahee, now ruining Knowshon Moreno’s value in Denver, and Le’Ron McClain, who of course joined Jamaal Charles in Kansas City.

With that said, I’ve never claimed to be an expert. So I tip my cap to those of you who nabbed Rice in the Top 5 because it’s pretty clear that he, LeSean McCoy, and maybe even Matt Forte are poised to become the cream of the RB crop this year. That is, if every player in the league isn’t on the injured reserve by Week 4.

Then again, it’s also only Week 1, so I shouldn’t be crowning anyone. But if Rice and his 149 all-purpose yards and 2 TDs against the Pittsburgh Steelers don’t impress you, then I guess you are more foolish than I.

In an announcement akin to holding a Christmas present that feels like it’s jeans and opening it to find out that, yep, it’s jeans, the Carolina Panthers have made rookie Cam Newton their official Week 1 starter against the Arizona Cardinals. To date, Newton has thrown one (1) 10-yard touchdown pass in handful of preseason appearances, but according to Panthers head coach Ron Rivera, that speaks for itself.

“It speaks for itself,” Rivera said. “With what Cam’s done and the direction we’re headed with this football team, in all honesty he is our starter. He is going to grow as a starter and we’re going to grow as a football team. It’s not just about him. It’s about the rest of us growing in our system.

“We didn’t draft Cam to the be savior. We drafted him to help lead this football team.”

Derek Anderson will be his back-up, with Jimmy Clausen sitting in the locker room somewhere practicing his John 16:33 facepaint, because Carolina totally needed a Tim Tebow that no one wants.

Unless you count the time he sang Justin Bieber in public, nothing about Cam Newton’s preseason was damning. Normal rookie mistakes, like locking onto receivers early, throwing into double-coverage and not being able to accurately hit a three-man target. He’s got a strong arm, he moves well and he looks more confident every time he plays … and if the Panthers really wanted the lowest-possible-rent Michael Vick, why not go ahead and start him?

“I did but I didn’t expect anything given to me. It doesn’t stop here. I can’t sit back and say I’ve arrived because we have a long way to go,” said Newton.

Some people are looking at the situation a little differently.

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