Not Miss July Shanna McLaughlin. She's wonderful.

Ah the joys of being a Conference USA football fan. Not only do I get to watch NFL action tonight, but also my favorite NCAA football team, thanks to the fact that nobody really gives a crap about non-BCS conference on Saturdays. And if this isn’t fun enough, my team also used to be in the MAC, which meant that we had Tuesday, Wednesday and even Friday night games. What a hoot that was.

So while I’ll be saddled up at my favorite watering hole, er, I mean in my season ticket seat at Bright House Stadium in Orlando, here are some games that you can watch tonight from the comfort of your favorite watering hole, er, I mean home.

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The most C-Tates picture that has ever been taken.

Actor Channing Tatum has undoubtedly reached A-list status this year, what with all 3 of his films grossing more than $100 million and him hanging out with George Clooney, so he can pretty much do whatever he wants at this point. At least that’s what I assumed was the reasoning for him showing up at Arizona Cardinals practice yesterday and just doing his thing as the hardest workin’, twerkin’, lay it down, flip, and reversin’ it playboy in $how BizNa$$$ty.

But the Magic Mike star was actually there to celebrate his good friend Kerry Rhodes’ birthday, so he figured he’d pop his NFL cherry by taking in his first practice.

“I’ve never got to come to camp before so I figured I’d come out and see what these guys are doing,” Tatum told Arizona Sports 620′s The Big Red Rage Thursday. (Via KTAR news, which I pronounce as keytar)

So how the hell are Rhodes and C-Tates friends? For starters, they come from the same place.

“He’s actually from Alabama too, so we got connected early on and we stayed in touch and we’ve been good friends since then,” said Rhodes. (Via AZ Family)

But according to KTAR, we all know the real reason that anyone wants to hang out with C-Tates. Mad chickens up in this nest, heard?

“It was a mob scene,” Rhodes said. “Literally like on any other day, it’s probably 10 people down there. Today it was quite a few.”

“I made a one-handed catch in practice and I thought the fans were [cheering] for me and I looked back and it was [Tatum] doing some stretch,” Rhodes joked.

Word was more than 100 women were hanging out at the practice facilities once the rumor broke that C-Tates was down there doing his thang. But this got me to thinking. Hopefully, you’re familiar with mine and Vinnie’s fascination with Tatum at FilmDrunk, but if not, just know that we want nothing but the best for C-Tates’ career. So I have a little movie pitch that I’d like to send his way, based on something that I wrote a few weeks back…

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Literally just a step up from Frank Stallone.

One of the first of many strange moments in this Peyton Manning free agency saga was actor Rob Lowe Tweeting that he “was hearing” that Manning would be retiring, presumably due to his 4th neck surgery. Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay fired back something about classic rock songs and his new El Camino – my memory might be a little hazy – and the rest of us just made a bunch of jokes on Twitter, while silently hoping Rob was right so it would destroy sports reporting as we know.

Alas, here we are, on the morning of Manning’s first free agency, awaiting his decision with baited (tee hee!) breath. And if you’d like to believe him, Rob’s brother, Chad, also seems to be a bit of a scooper.

So Rob said Manning would retire and he was wrong. Chad says Manning will sign with the Arizona Cardinals, so by law of DNA and celebrity dipshittery I would be feeling pretty great if I were a Denver Broncos fan right now. That is, unless you’re one of the 60% of Broncos fans who would rather have Tim Tebow under center for next season, in which case, there are plenty of tickets available for Jacksonville Jaguars games next year.

Good morning from Arlington, Texas, home of the Dallas Cowboys and Texas Rangers, neither of whom I am here to see. I’m updating today’s Morning Links from a Days Inn, and let me tell you, this is the best hotel room 60 dollars can buy. Did somebody say “exposed light bulbs”?

Links

EveryTweet_Ever Is Aptly Named, Hilarious - Link title is aptly named. Girl On Vacation is especially biting, even if I’m a sucker for pictures like that. [UPROXX]

The Five Grinchiest Comics About Christmas - The One Best Comic About Christmas: that Michaelangelo Ninja Turtles one-shot. [Gamma Squad]

Video: The Top 50 Moments Of The NBA Lockout Games - Now you too can be a basketball hipster, refusing to watch the NBA’s shortened season because Kobe dunking on Jewish guys was so much purer. [Smoking Section]

Jean-Ralphio: The Greatest Thing to Happen to Romance Since Color Me Badd - The only character I like more than Jean-Ralphio is Lil’ Sebastian. Oh who am I kidding, I love every character on that show. [Warming Glow]

Full trailer for Tim & Eric movie: Robert Loggia cuts off a lady’s finger - I don’t know who watched Tim & Eric and thought “hey, this will work for 90 minutes straight”, but more power to them. As long as Steve Brule shows up. [Film Drunk]

Kelly Brook Has A New Calendar And It’s Totally Sports Related - A think we did featuring 12-ish pictures of the biggest and best 32-ish year old breasts in England. Revisit it. [With Leather]

The 45 Most Powerful Images Of 2011 - This list became invalid when “Lady Gaga as human motorcycle” was not included. Just kidding, this is awesome. [Buzzfeed]

Sexy portrait of Queen Victoria painted in 1843 kept Prince Albert busy in the can - I’m not sure why “sexy portrait of Queen Victoria” is something that’d get me to click a link, but Jesus, here we are. [FARK]

Are Movie Titles Too Literal? - Yes. [Moviefone]

Tis the Season for Gingerbread AT-ATs - See what you’ve done, prequels? This would’ve been the coolest thing in history in 1993. [Unreality]

How Drunk You Can Get At Your Office Holiday Party - If your first thought was “I don’t know, let’s find out”, you are awesome. [BroBible]

Jeff Goldblum in a field with a butterfly on his finger - I’m going to convince myself this is an example of Chaos Theory. [The High Definite]

Viewer warning: Starting about when Meredith Marakovits says she “tucka loaka round”, this video clip from P.J. Whelihans in Downingtown becomes extremely Pennsylvanian.

Feast at least part of your ears on the continually-distraught “Angry” Greg Ryan, Philadelphia Eagles fan and local celebrity drinker whose impassioned commentary on his favorite downtrodden football team’s performance during their 21-17 loss to the Arizona Cardinals borders on “It’s Still Real To Me, Dammit” and draws the most amazing look of “this f**ken guy” from Meredith. She should win a cable Emmy for her face during this.

Highlights of the video include the impossibly-disgusted way he says “deh Cleveland Browns”, his extended ship allegories and that amazing moment at 2:01 where she asks him if he’ll keep supporting the team and he’s forced, if only for a moment, to reevaluate his entire life. The highlights of the video’s YouTube page are those crazy comments about the FBI has declassified documents about how many Super Bowls Michael Vick would’ve won by now had it not been for George Bush and Dick Cheney.

Also, how creepy is the Comcast team at the end? The “what Meredith doesn’t understand is that there is no next week” comes off sounding less like football talk and more like ominous prognostication. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t root for the Eagles.

[h/t Cosby Sweaters]

"Haha, I'm toally gonna stay in school."

Now that “Suck For Luck” is a full blown ordeal – there’s even a Twitter account devoted to it – it’s very amusing to see the general NFL fan’s reaction to the idea that teams might tank some games to secure the guy every analyst this side of Mel Kiper’s phallic eagle swoop is calling the next John Elway.

It’s public knowledge now that both Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay and Miami Dolphins majority owner Stephen Ross have expressed interest in acquiring Luck in the draft. So the rational school of thought for the average fan – I’d probably estimate an I.Q. of 75 – is that two teams of professional athletes, who are boisterous, arrogant and proud, will waste an entire season of their professional careers so they can put their fates in the hands of a guy from Stanford.

There are two things about this, as a Miami Dolphins fan, that crack me up:

1) Why on Earth would Tony Sparano and his coaching staff kowtow to Ross, who openly courted Jim Harbaugh to replace him? Why would Sparano fill the cupboard with elite talent only to have it handed to Bill Cowher in the spring?

2) And do you really think that Brandon Marshall would keep his mouth shut if someone told him to flop on some plays? He’d be demanding trades and stomping his feet to the point that Terrell Owens would be like, “Dude, chill.” Besides, he looked just fine flopping on his own last night.

Now the Colts on the other hand, they seem like they would do it and not give a crap. After all, if any of their older guys complain, they can easily be traded for draft picks. I’m sure that thought is cemented firmly in Irsay’s mind. That’s why, as I was perusing Twitter during last night’s Monday Night Football game, there was a hilarious double standard at work.

If the Colts lose a game, they get to blame Peyton Manning’s injury and nobody thinks twice. But if the Dolphins lose, they’re just sucking on purpose to get Luck. I have some news for you all – Miami really is that terrible. It’s just funny that people seem more willing to allow the Colts to put Luck behind Manning, like they’re being dumped by Marisa Miller while preparing for their date with Kate Upton.

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