This is probably the least important story of all time, but it’s about the NHL and has nothing to do with the goddamn lockout, so I’m writing about it: the Phoenix Coyotes are considering a name change.

That would be pretty big news if they were relocating, or even if they were losing the alternating clip-art/art deco coyote logos and calling themselves something late 2000s like the PHOENIX CLASHEZ or whatever, but nope, they’re dropping the Phoenix to become the “Arizona Coyotes”. Because seriously, they’ve been playing in Glendale for like a decade.

HOCKEY NEWS GO!

Mike Nealy, the president and COO of the team, told XTRA Sports 910 yesterday that there’s a “high probability” the name-change will happen, maybe even next year.

Speaking to how they’re going to keep the excitement for the team going — since there’s a lockout going on, and all — Nealy said the phrase “we’re here to stay” will be among the “messages” the organization’s going to use in media spots. (via Phoenix New Times)

… because “we’re here to make sure you’ve got your papers” doesn’t fit on a t-shirt.

So, now that we’ve planned for the Coyotes to be named more accurately and gotten them to sign a series of banners masquerading as documents reading, “WE’RE NOT LEAVING WE SWEAR,” can we get f**king hockey back? For real, this is starting to get stupid. If the lockout goes on much longer, I’m going to have to start watching the Arizona Suns.

Illinois representative Luis Gutierrez knows the secrets to arguing about important, real-life things on the Internet — sarcasm, topicality and, if possible, Justin Bieber-related photoshops. He also knows that if you mention sports guys, sports sites can report it as Sports News.

In sports news:

Rep. Luis Gutierrez took to the House floor on Wednesday morning to address Arizona’s immigration law — particularly the portion of it that the Supreme Court refrained from striking down. Railing against what he saw as the inherent racial profiling in the policy, Gutierrez hammered his point with what was basically a game of Guess Which One’s The Immigrant.

Beside an easel that presented side-by-side pictures of the celebrities he invoked, Gutierrez said the “show me your papers” aspect of Arizona’s policy isn’t just a problem for anyone who looks “like they might have come to America from somewhere else. It’s a problem for every American who cares about freedom.” Sarcastically commending Arizona law enforcement for being able to discern undocumented immigrants not by their looks, Gutierrez said, “Maybe with practice we can all become like Arizona politicians and police officers who are able to telepathically determine who to accuse of not belonging in America.”

Guess Which One’s The Immigrant includes an amazing pronunciation of “Geraldo Rivera”, segues into Justin Bieber learning about his adopted homeland from Selena Gomez and peaks with California’s Jeremy Lin being compared/contrasted with Belgium’s Tony Parker. The only way he could’ve made it more applicable to the Internet would be a page that was nothing but the Kate Upton GQ cover so he could point at it, say “this is Kate Upton” and flip to the next page without mentioning immigrants.

He’s making a good point. No law should exist where you can legally just look at somebody and decide they’re something. That’s day one manners. Get your shit together, Arizona, and don’t make Gutierrez break out the cat memes.

[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]

Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is the reason why the @Storytime series exists. It began with him live-blogging a run-in with police and has featured his in-depth thoughts on the Casey Anthony murder trial with only enough time to buy an alligator between.

Lucky for us, Dockett continues to find himself in Tweetable situations — this time he accidentally brought a gun to a Cardinals practice facility in Arizona, realized his mistake, tweeted about it, and got upset when more than one person said “why are you carrying a gun everywhere”. He compares himself to Sean Taylor, explicitly explains which guns his has and where he keeps them, and the story ends with him vowing to protect his family by buying … well, I don’t want to ruin it for you.

Please enjoy our continuing journey through the mind of an extremely sane man with @Storytime, after the jump.

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Arizona’s Susanne Eman is already a world record holder. She’s the fattest woman in the world. Currently, the 32-year old mother of two weighs in at 728 pounds, which is roughly twice the size of the Miami Dolphins’ offensive line. But she aspires to be so much more than the woman that she currently is, which is so rare and beautiful in this era. Instead of settling for the wavy curves that she’s already created, Eman wants to be the entire damn ocean. Her goal? To weigh 1,600 pounds.

That’s it? Why not just go for a ton if you’re that hellbent on dying by 35? As for how and why she’s doing it, of course The Sun has the answer.

Amazingly, her shape is a TURN-ON for some men and she models for super-size websites. Susanne, 32, said: “The bigger I get, the better I feel. I feel confident and sexy.

“Two years ago I hit 35st and noticed I had actually started attracting more men. It made me feel good. My goal is to be 57st by the end of the year. I should be 115st by age 41 or 42. “Why not see how fat I can get? I want to break the stigma that being fat is a bad thing.”

Susanne, from Casa Grande, Arizona, US, spends EIGHT HOURS filling six trolleys with food during her monthly supermarket shop.

The only redeeming quality that I can take away from this is that I really miss “Supermarket Sweep.” Otherwise, this is about the most depressing thing I’ve ever had the eerie pleasure of writing about, and I can only imagine how the starving children in Somalia would feel if they read this. Well, if they could read this. Hey, I can only solve one world problem at a time, folks.

After the jump, get to know Susanne Eman and her joy for calories with a gallery of glutton.

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