"What CBA can I taaaaake?"

Houston Texans running back Arian Foster is ready for some football. How ready? Last night he wrote his own collective bargaining agreement and signed it. Who cares if his CBA is only one page long and its entire text is a series of wavy lines? Oh look, the NFL “Owners” signed it, too. I guess it’s legit.

Very funny, Mr. Foster. I already feel less guilty about that ARIAN NATION tee-shirt I bought last week.

Foster’s sentiments echo that of most of the fans: Let’s just get this damn thing done and play some football. The Tennessee alum is especially eager, since he’s entering the walk year of a contract that will pay him a paltry $480K this fall. And that’s after leading the NFL last year with 1616 rushing yards and 16 touchdowns, and yes, he played all 16 games in 2010. I checked. That’s a stat line that would make Molly Ringwald moist. And it’s about time; what is she, like, 50?

Yeah, yeah, we still have two games tonight, but we’re on a schedule and if I don’t get this up now, some of you will actually start working, and we can’t have that.

• Redskins 13, Cowboys 7. Tony Romo led a masterful drive at the end of this game that would have given the Cowboys the win, but a hold called on Cowboys tackle Alex Barron nullified Romo’s touchdown pass to Roy Williams. Penalty accepted. Game over. It’s funny, because usually the only thing needed to nullify Roy Williams is Roy Williams. And the gold pants were…something.
• Packers 27, Eagles 20. Michael Vick got the call after Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb was knocked out of the game with a concussion. Vick amassed 278 yards of total offense and a TD pass, good enough for some media members in Philly to wonder if it’ll soon be back to the rape stand for Kolb. Andy Reid said no, and then clapped humorously while balancing a beach ball on his nose.
• Texans 34, Colts 24. Your grandfather just ordered an ARIAN NATION T-shirt that’s already a size to small (and it’ll shrink even more in the wash!) Texans running back Arian Foster ran for 231 yards and 3 TDs. And then he probably went home and took a nap, because that sounds like a lot of work. So if you were playing against Arian Foster in fantasy this week, sorry bro.
• Steelers 15, Falcons 9 (OT). Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall ran for 120 yards and a TD, much of which came on his game-winning 50-yard run in the extra frame. And you (yes you!) can still lose the coin toss in OT and win the game if your defense just gets a GD stop already.
• Seahawks 31, Niners 6. Pete Carroll is 1-0 in his return as an NFL head coach. Matt Hasselbeck threw for two touchdown passes, one of which he was asked to return to the NCAA.
• Titans 38, Raiders 13. Another big day for Chris Johnson: 142 rushing yards, 2 TDs.

Here are the rest. If your team didn’t make the list, kindly ask them to do something more impressive next week. Hey, we’re running a business here. We can’t just give love out to everyone.