Unless you want this Godless thing tearing through your cheerleader dreams to haunt your nightmares you’ll sign up for our free fantasy football game through Draftstreet.com. I don’t really know what one thing has to do with the other, but I’m no theologian, and I’m going to threaten you with it anyway.

If free money for doing almost nothing isn’t enough (it is seriously free money, why aren’t you doing this) I’m playing, and I challenge you — yes, challenge you — to defeat me. My newfound Texans fan powers will lead my running back, Arian Foster, to 400 carries for over 8,000 yards this week. Hopefully that’ll make up for my quarterback, because I used all my money on Foster and ended up drafting Jake Plummer. Whoops!

Our Explanation Blurb™, in case you haven’t read it:

The game happens this weekend, and it’s going to work a lot like our baseball games; you’ll sign up (for free, again, I’m not going to make you pay for anything) and pick your team, choosing two QBs, two WR, two RB and so on until you’ve exhausted your salary cap, and the team with the best performance in this Sunday’s games wins money. So do the next five top teams. That’s right, we’re paying out to the top 6 teams from a $250 cash pool.

It’s easy as hell, and I drafted my team in about 40 seconds before posting this. Uh, maybe that’s why I never win. But I still could win, and that’s awesome. The game happens on 10/16 and includes the Monday game, so go ahead and do this immediately. And remember, participation gets you

1. Free money
2. No Spongebob nightmares
3. The ability to laugh at me thinking Jake Plummer still plays football
4. Fame and fortune (on the Internet)

Yeah, that’s more or less my reaction, too.

New York City policeman turned NFL reporter for the Houston Chronicle John McClain reports that the injury that caused Houston Texans linebacker Mario Williams to leave Sunday’s game against the Oakland Raiders is a torn pectoral muscle that will require surgery and keep him out of action for the remainder of the 2011 season. The torn muscle happened while Williams was sacking Oakland QB Jason Campbell, and almost every report says Williams walked to the locker room under his own power like the pectoral muscle is in his leg.

The Texans are suffering an almost San Francisco Giants-like string of injuries to star players like Andre Johnson and Arian Foster this season, one Sports Illustrated attempts to put into context:

Big picture, the significant injury to Williams could change the landscape of an already-reeling AFC South. The Colts (0-5) and the Jaguars (1-4) have fallen off the pace to start the season, with Houston and Tennessee tied at 3-2. However, with Peyton Manning on the shelf, this looked like by far the Texans’ best opportunity to claim a division title and their first-ever playoff berth.

That’s a depressing blurb, isn’t it? “This looked like …” The silver lining here, depending on how you look at it, is that the Texans drafted University of Arizona Wildcat Brooks Reed and get to remove his training wheels and ride him around the NFL. McClaine chimes in, via Twitter:

Like Mario, Reed is learning a new position: 3-4 OLB who drops down in passing situations. Texans look smart drafting Reed.

Hopefully next Monday’s day of posting won’t include a big “BROOKS REED INJURED BY RAVENS, OUT FOREVER WITH SEVERED LOWER BODY”.

After last week’s inaugural “Suck for Luck” Power(less) Rankings, Matt from Warming Glow was upset that I didn’t include a Seattle Seahawks logo on the banner image, and I thought that I should explain the exclusion since he can beat me up. You see, as I’ve stated previously, this is by no means a scientific method. In fact, it’s pretty simple to point out that the Miami Dolphins and Indianapolis Colts are going to be sucktastic on legendary levels this season and the Green Bay Packers are going to be really good.

But it takes a lot of extra thought to sort through those teams that are teetering on the edge of “holy sh*t they’re awful” and “it sucks that they’re going to win a few games.” Obviously, Seattle is not a good team, so the Seahawks very well could end up making Andrew Luck their No. 1 pick next year. The problem is, though, that they play in the NFC West and are bound to win 4 or 5 games just because of the terrible competition, as we witnessed yesterday.

So I offer my apologies to anyone who felt slighted about their sorry ass team’s ranking, but if these rankings offer us anything, it’s the blinding reality that the Dolphins will somehow screw themselves.

On to the suck!

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Remember when LaDainian Tomlinson was in his prime, just an absolute beast like a second coming of Marshall Faulk, and everyone thought he was this quiet, reserved, and classy athlete that never spoke out in a critical fashion, but then he lost to the New England Patriots and we couldn’t shut him up? That’s how I’m starting to feel about Arian Foster, except Foster had one good season, as opposed to a Hall of Fame career.

First, Foster lashed out at the fantasy football enthusiasts who had been Tweeting at him about their concerns over his hamstring, calling them sick. And he was right. But now he’s feeding the bears – and invoking his team’s and the NFL’s wrath – after he Tweeted the above MRI of his hamstring, which is not only a violation of team policy, but also incredibly stupid.

I’ll let former Patriot and current ESPN analyst Tedy Bruschi explain why.

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"Here you go, kid. Nice haircut."

Each week during the NFL season, I’ll be slinging my random, sometimes nonsensical thoughts about what’s going down. Will I talk about your team’s crazy dealings? Probably not, because I have an east coast liberal media elitist bias. That’s right, only Ivy League flag football will be discussed here.

And speaking of flag football…

1) Terrelle Pryor’s New Number

While quarterback for THE Embattled Ohio State University, Terrelle Pryor wore the number 2 on his jersey. When the Oakland Raiders drafted Oryor in last week’s supplemental draft and when he finally agreed to terms with them and showed up to practice, Pryor asked his new team if he could wear the No. 2 again.

About that – nobody is ever wearing No. 2 for Oakland again. Because JaMarcus Russell was the biggest No. 2 of them all.

Raiders coach Hue Jackson dictated what jersey Tyrelle Pryor will wear with the Raiders. He wore No. 2 at Ohio State, but will wear No. 6 with the Raiders. Last Raiders quarterback to wear No. 2 was mega-draft bust JaMarcus Russell. It’s conceivable Jackson wanted to avoid linkage between Pryor and Russell. (Bayou Buzz)

This might be a first. I can’t think of any other teams that have ever unofficially retired a number because a player was so terrible that they think it’s cursed. This could only be better if they forced rookies to spend the night in Russell’s foreclosed mansion. “It’s haunted by the spirits of lost calories,” they’ll warn.

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"You're mad? I have his fumbles on my fantasy team!"

For millions of years or as long as men have gathered in groups to draft fantasy football teams, the running back has been the dominant selection. If you don’t share the philosophy then you’re at least familiar with the strategy of taking two running backs first to create a solid scoring foundation. The top overall draft picks are almost always elite RBs, and you most likely spend the majority of the football season sending out terrible trade offers with the hopes of acquiring another RB.

Essentially, RBs have almost always ruled the world. Too bad the jerkface coaches of the NFL are doing their best to destroy that philosophy, what with the ever-increasing trend of committees and scenarios. But does that mean that you can’t use a little strategy to make sure that you acquire an elite RB on draft day? Yes, actually, it does mean that. Unless you have a top 5 pick this year (depending on how your league rewards and favors QBs) you’re probably not going to get top tier production from your backfield.

But that doesn’t mean that you can’t at least have solid productivity while creating harmonious scoring across your roster. You just have to clear your mind, forget your fan allegiances, and for once in your life stop telling yourself that THIS is the season that Joseph Addai becomes a monster. Again, I will remind you that I am not professing to be a fantasy football expert, like the many people at the big boy sites who don’t know their asses from a hole opened by the Green Bay Packers offensive line. But I do have some opinions that could help you, and chances are they’re at least better than your moron friends who spend $10 on magazines each year.

Today’s topic is the running back, as we fight to protect the endangered species that is the featured back. And yes, I’m using more attractive females to make my arguments.