There reportedly was an outside chance (and I mean Harry Doyle “Juuust a bit outside” chance) that noted Jesus freak Kurt Warner and his three Super Bowl appearances might return to the Arizona Cardinals for a 17th season of pro football. The reasoning behind such a move, admittedly, seemed rather sound on its face.

Some believe Warner assumed he’d automatically get a job covering the NFL on one of the networks. To date, he hasn’t. And, by now, the assignments for 2011 are largely firmed up.

So if Warner won’t have a TV gig in 2010, the thinking is that he could be lured back to the gridiron.

And the Cardinals, who are saddled with Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson, could be interested in bringing him back. –PFT.

But Warner already has quashed (squashed?) that rumor in the bud. Read the rest of this entry »

The season’s NOT GONNA START, and YOU’RE. TO. BLAME.

The Arena Football League will not play a season in 2009, but the league isn’t folding.  Oh no, canceling an entire season is going to correct all the problems the league has.  Play will resume in 2010, when the 16-team league has “improved its economic model.”  Or in layman’s terms, “stopped sucking.”

“It’s a historic day for the league,” [Cleveland Gladiators owner] James Ferraro told the paper. “This league will be much, much stronger, and it will be here for a long time because of what happened.

“This is the farthest thing from the league folding,” he added. “This is, in my opinion, just showing us the league will not fold.”

If by “farthest thing from the league folding” he means “first step in the league folding,” then yes, I agree.

I've never understood why the arenafootball2 league is necessary when people are already ignoring the Arena Football League.  Are depressing American hamlets like Boise and Bakersfield, California really that starved for indoor football?  I thought residents of towns like that had meth to pass the time.

Anyway, in the biggest arenafootball2 story of the year, Maurice Troutman (Trout-Man = worst superhero ever) of the Bakersfield Blitz was arrested in Idaho after allegedly raping a woman following a game against the Boise Burn on Sunday night.  And, in a touching display of team camaraderie, Troutman had an accomplice:

Boise Police have arrested a second California man and charged him with felony burglary in connection with the rape case.  Rennard Reynolds, 30, of Long Beach, CA, is also a player for the Bakersfield Blitz Arena Football team.

And I know what you people are doing.  You're preparing your Bengals jokes.  Shame on you.  A woman was raped.  This would never happen in the NFL.  NFL players are famous and rich enough to always enjoy consensual sex.  So really, the problem is institutional; the blame falls squarely on arenafootball2.  And scapegoats.  Scapegoats are always to blame.

(Seen on Zero Tolerance)

First, let it be known that I absolutely ABHOR YouTube clips where some clown is just using a videocamera to record his television screen.  Posting those videos only encourages people not to learn the technomology necessary for survival in the 21st century.

However, I'm willing to make exceptions.  Like, say, if the Orlando Prowlers — those girls who cut the nice holes in their jeans — were to, in theory, wear schoolgirl uniforms and perform a strip tease to Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher"… well, I might be interested.

Thanks to reader Tim, who totally does it twice a day (check With Leather, that is).

Perhaps, like me, you have yet to become truly interested in the Arena League's version of football.  Maybe the field seems too short, the defenses unfairly marginalized, the rock star owners too clueless.

Or maybe you're not like trusty reader Bo, who watched an LA Avengers-Orlando Predators game a few weeks back in between sets of crunches.  Bo noticed the unique fashion stylings of the Predators' "Prowlers," and I don't think I'm overstating it when I say these are the greatest pants ever created since the invention of pants… which I believe happened in 1775 — the British tried to force pants on the American colonies, and that's what led to the first shots at Lexington and the bombs dropped by Concorde jets.  Then Levi Strauss invented the denim pant for the Second Continental Congress, and jeans were pretty much unchanged until the Prowlers re-introduced these Dirrty-era Christina Aguilera wonders.

In conclusion, a proper understanding of history will help you appreciate the Arena Football League.