As I’ve mentioned in the past, much to your undoubted excitement, I spend way too much time on Twitter and Tumblr all for the purpose of entertaining you. I mean, if I don’t scour the Internet for GIFs of Brooklyn Decker and Kate Upton, then who will? Sure, I could be rewarded with a Pulitzer one day, but I’ll settle for a Peabody.

In between the GIFs and the jugs, though, I stumble across random sites that simply make me giggle. Today’s chuckle maker comes courtesy of the Tumblr page, The National Foodball League, which combines three of my favorite things – football, puns, and food. If I can appeal to Will Riggins, the artist behind these delightful food (and other) images, I would one day like to see Ryan Bananahill, Veggie Bush, and Flan Carpenter.

I’d make them myself, but I’m fat and it won’t end well.

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Welcome to a new weekly feature that we’ll be running in which we make a bunch of predictions about the upcoming week in sports. I would have run this yesterday, but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF THE HEAVENS DID YOU SEE PAULINA GRETZKY? Also, hello to all our new readers in Finland!

Anywho, we miss a lot of little tidbits and interesting items during the day, for one reason or another, and not only will I use this as an opportunity to include more hockey news and discuss how humiliating last night’s St. Louis Blues loss was, but I will also lay my reputation as America’s last great gentleman blogger with a girl’s name on the line with 10 bold predictions.

Prepare to have your minds blown. (Side note: I would have posted this yesterday, but my crystal ball just kept telling me: “Dude, the Blues SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”)

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Ah Twitter, where athlete rants are born and subsequently apologized for. Today’s hot rant comes courtesy of New York Jets DB Antonio Cromartie, who bought into the rumors that his team could indeed be sending a draft pick to the Denver Broncos for Tim Tebow, and we should have listened to him, because he was right. The Jets indeed traded for Tim Tebow.

Cromartie actually made a valid point that his team should be focused on other pieces to help Mark Sanchez, who just signed an extension with the Jets after rumors that they were pursuing Peyton Manning. But he’s probably just upset that he has another name to remember. *rim shot*

As I said, valid points… if Tebow will be competing for the starting QB gig. But he won’t. He’ll be filling Brad Smith’s previous role as the utility guy for wildcat and gimmick plays, which would be especially potent now that Mr. Wildcat himself, Tony Sparano, is running the offense for the Jets. Hell, Cromartie and the Jets should be excited about the idea of Tebow as a QB/HB/TE/FB/WR option for Sanchez.

In the meantime, if you’re wondering where that massive shadow is coming from, it’s the New York sports media’s erection.

"First the Cartoon Network Awards, then a Nobel Prize!"

Last summer, while both the NFL and NBA were locked out, I questioned why more athletes weren’t attending the Teen Choice Awards to try and gain a little favor from the public. Seriously, the athlete attendance was limited to Shaun White and 3 puppies from Air Bud’s litter, while half the NBA sat at home picking fights on Twitter. Well it turns out that the answer was pretty simple – make the whole thing about athletes and they’ll attend.

This was proven Saturday night when the Cartoon Network honored our favorite athletes at the second annual Hall of Game Awards, which is not to be confused with Spike’s F*CKIN’ ATHLETES, BRO! SLUTS! Awards, which are held on Vin Diesel’s birthday each year. Shaquille O’Neal played host for the Hall of Game Awards, and he was joined by dozens of child actors that I’ve never heard of. But plenty of athletes showed up to have their egos stroked.

You can wait and watch the whole show tonight (especially if you’re a fan of Flo Rida and who isn’t?) but I’ve got some photos after the jump. Shockingly, they did not name Jeremy Lin their new overlord.

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Funny or Die has a knack for cramming as many celebrities as possible into three minute video, and today they’ve outdone themselves — watch in amazement has Ray Liotta, Kevin Costner, Dennis Haysbert, the Were-llama from Twilight and half of professional football bring you a Lockout-flavored sequel to the greatest baseball movie of all time, Field of Dreams. I’m guessing Haysbert is here because when the Funny or Die guys showed up at James Earl Jones’ apartment he attacked them with an insecticide sprayer and told them to go back to the sixties.

Watch the video below, but I have to warn you: the football players are all better actors than Taylor Lautner.

It’s weird, I know this is supposed to be a joke, but it still looks like a better movie than that remake of Footloose.

I love Kevin Costner at the end. He gives as little a sh** as possible, and he’s a good sport, but his voice and the look on his face say “I can’t believe you guys are making fun of this”. Lautner just stands there smirking, thinking about how awesome of a Crash Davis Robert Pattinson would be.

I can only imagine that the life of an NFL Pro Bowler is chock full of baby crazy hoochies. Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie filled us in on the consequences of unprotected sex with numerous said hoochies on last night’s episode of Hard Knocks. Cro fielded hard hitting questions from HBO producers like “What are your children’s names, and how old are they?” Cro has eight kids in total, four of whom are three years old. His seed had produced one more child than retired quarterback Kurt Warner, and one less than incarcerated running back Travis Henry.

Some NFL experts (sexperts?) say Cromartie was brought to New York to be a substitute for the missing-in-action Darrelle Revis, but Rex Ryan was actually more impressed by his pussytubing abilities than anything else. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »