If the French World Cup team’s antics over the weekend are any indicator of how seriously the players are taking tomorrow’s match against South Africa, then they might as well pack up their berets and baguettes and head back to Paris. On Saturday, French coach Raymond Domenech kicked striker Nicolas Anelka off the team after the two exchanged heated words, presumably in pretentious accents.

Anelka’s removal from the squad caused the rest of the team to boycott yesterday’s training session, prompting team director Jean-Louis Valentin to quit the team because he was “sickened and disgusted.” He was so visibly angered that not even a mime pretending to slip on a banana peel could cheer him up. The players, however, are maintaining that the French Soccer Football Federation didn’t have their backs and allowed Anelka to be kicked off the team without hearing their side. This marks the most fighting by French men since 1763.

Explain the merits of Existentialism to me, ESPN Soccernet:

“The French Football Federation did not at any time try to protect the group. They took a decision uniquely based on facts reported by the press. As a consequence and to show our opposition to the decision taken by officials of the federation, all the players decided not to take part in today’s training session.”

Evra and the players, en masse, boarded the team bus and drew the curtains.

Winger Franck Ribery further spoke of the embarrassing nature of this internal squabble, telling reporters, “The whole world is mocking us right now,” which caused everyone in the world to erupt with laughter. The ordeal is unusual because France was just two penalty goals short of winning the World Cup in 2006. However, that Finals appearance was marred by the antics of Zinedine Zidane, who was ejected for head-butting Italy’s Marco Materazzi, making Zidane the second manliest Frenchman of all-time, behind only Joan of Arc.

Despite their problems, the French still have a strong chance to advance with a win over host country South Africa. As long as Mexico and Uruguay don’t play to a draw, France can potentially advance and further the team’s hopes of really humiliating themselves.

Did you miss me? You might think otherwise after you see this video from a French soccer game, from Dirty Tackle. It’s after the jump, and I’ll warn/entice you, it’s gruesome. Let’s just say that the leg of PSG goalkeeper Gregory Coupet represents Paris, and that the unusually firm pitch represents a certain historical fascist Western European regime. I know, I know, everything has to do with Hitler, right? It’s a shame that we can’t just DEAR GOD, SIR! YOUR FOOT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO POINT THAT WAY! Read the rest of this entry »

You may remember that a month ago Tony Parker had to back out of a charity basketball game with Dikembe Mutombo that would have supported a hospital in the Congo, leading to the game's cancellation and, I can only assume, the continuing suffering of the African people.  Why did Parker cancel the game?  His fiancee, Desperate Housewives star the Chupacabra, made him do it because it got in the way of their honeymoon.

Naturally, today we get news that the Longorias' impending honeymoon has been put on hold.  So Parker can play the charity game and save African children?  Nope: because the Chupacabra said so.

The couple will wed in Paris, France on 7 July, but their honeymoon has to wait until after Longoria has honoured her TV commitments. She says, "I'm heading home right after the wedding. We start shooting on 9 July."

Oh yeah, and she's telling the media that they're going to adopt children, probably because it's impossible to give birth without taking those pants off.

UPDATE: I realized after the fact that WWTDD calls Nicole Richie "the Chupacabra."  It's a coincidence: I was just looking for the name of a Mexican demon, and "Eva Longoria" was already taken.