The video description:

Monkey dose exercise for tourists

… and that’s it. He “dose” it. Here we are, left with a video of a monkey cranking out a set of push-ups, then flipping over to do sit-ups while his trainer holds his ankles. It’s the kind of thing the Internet was made for, and I guess we’re just fulfilling that Planet Of The Apes prophecy where we teach apes how to be better than us en route to being ruled by them.

I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to be happy or sad for the fitness monkey, but here he is. Video is after the jump.

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Maniac.

On July 27, 2009, a world record was set that most people thought would never be broken. But as we’ve seen over the past several years through my unabashed love of bizarre global competition, no record is safe as long as one person has the ambition and drive to be better. In this case, it was an athlete fittingly known as Diesel who set the record in question, and that record was, of course, the longest jump ever by a guinea pig. Eat your hearts out, Summer Olympians.

But earlier this year, according to perennial Pulitzer contender Guinea Pig Today, a 13-year old Scottish girl named Chloe said, “ACH! NO!” and other various unintelligible things, I presume, and she set out to break the world record with either her sister’s guinea pig, Nibbles, or her own boar, Truffles. Turns out, Nibbles was worthless, like the Ozzie Canseco of rodents. But Truffles? That f*cking guinea pig was special from the start. So special, in fact, that on March 15, Truffles CRUSHED Diesel’s record of 20.5 cm by more than 9 cm.

So does a world record holder just sit on its furry ass and wait for some other sock filled with tennis balls to come along and break its record? Apparently, yes. Because a guinea pig from Peru (dressed as a pirate, perhaps?) broke Truffles’ record shortly after. Chloe and Truffles finally nutted up and retook the world record in recent weeks by leaping more than 48 cm. And now, because you need to, you can watch the record breaking jump.

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Okay, so there’s plenty happening in sports news today:

• Jay Cutler is terrible against the Packers and he looked like a dick shoving one of his teammates even though every quarterback does it.
• The Dallas Cowboys are trying to sign Tony Romo to an extension so he doesn’t leave after this season and end his career being killed behind the Arizona Cardinals offensive line.
• Hockey is going to have a lockout, which sucks for fans, but it sucks even more for us because I had an interview all set with Paul Bissonnette, and now I may never know what he thinks about Bibi Jones retiring from porn.
• Jim Calhoun retired, which sucks for people who either love UConn basketball or pretending like they’re shocked that a 70-year old would retire.
• A group in Seattle has been cleared for a new arena so they’re shopping for a NBA team. *looks nervously at Rich DeVos*
• Derek Jeter tied Willie Mays for 10th on the all-time hits list. Also, Minka Kelly is still hot.

And all of those are good stories to talk about, but I don’t feel well today, and I have a full day of college football tomorrow, as well as a full plate on Sunday, so I’m just trying to relax a little and go with something easy and therapeutic. Of course, nothing says easy and therapeutic like animals riding skateboards.

After the jump, I’ve gathered some videos of skateboarding animals, because it’s Friday and you don’t have anything else better to do. Sure, you can go perform surgery, but if you’re a doctor and you read this site, you’ve probably already had your medical license revoked.

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In my continuing efforts to make you okay with our professional wrestling coverage, here is a video of two kittens fighting in a toy WWE ring.

That’s one of the great things about Buzzfeed Sports. They aren’t breaking any insider college football stories or anything, but if you go there and find something like this it enraptures you for the rest of the day. I’ve spent the last twenty minutes analyzing the workrate (catrate?) and trying to decide my favorite moves … it’s either the right hand combo from Orange at :30 or the jumping ass bite from Black that follows at :34. I love that the cats apparently took out John Morrison and Edge (I think that’s Edge) before we joined the match in progress.

I’m going back and forth on whether “mouth breathing” is better or worse commentary than what we usually hear in wrestling. Oh, who cares. Cats playing! Squee!

Who says that September 11 has to be a downer? This Sunday, as we all settle into our couch grooves for another season of NFL action, an event of epic proportions will be taking place in Del Mar, California. Not only will dogs of all breeds, ages, and sizes be taking to Dog Beach for our favorite annual event – Surf Dog Surf-A-Thon – but the Helen Woodward Animal Center will also be announcing the first inductee into the event’s brand new Hall of Fame. That lucky pooch is Buddy, a 14-year old Jack Russell terrier.

“This honor is validation that Buddy’s a good surfer,” [Buddy’s owner Bruce] Hooker told HuffPost Weird News. “He’s a special dog.”

Former surf journalist Nedra Abramson, who now organizes the Surf Dog Surf-A-Thon, agrees, hence the decision to honor him as the first inductee.

“Buddy does it for the right reasons,” she said. “He loves to surf — and he does turns! It’s like he’s a reincarnated surfer. He’s brought the sport great notoriety.” (Via Huffington Post)

There’s plenty of other praise in the article about why Buddy and Bruce do what they do and the insinuation that the dog is surfing for “the right reasons” is hilarious enough. But screw it, the event is incredible and it helps dogs find new homes, so they could tell people that Buddy’s doing it to score major dog poon and I’d still rub his tummy and call him a good boy. Now if I could just get my dog to learn how to do anything.

Check out Buddy in action after the jump.

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These photos from the running of the bulls in Pamplona are tantalizingly close to awesome.  Like, it looks like the bulls are totally fucking shit up and kicking ass, but there's no money shot of a big horn poking out of some moron's sternum.  God, that would be so sweet.  "Look at me!  Running through the streets with the bulls!  It's such an adrena–AIIEEEEE!!!" and all you see is a fountain of blood as the bull lifts him off the ground, completely impaling him.

Whoa, is it weird that I have boner?  Keep in mind that car wrecks turn me on, too.

(Photos: Getty)