In news that is sure to overshadow the Jacksonville Jaguars announcement that they’re merging with Crash Bandicoot, the Philadelphia Eagles have entered into a partnership with the Angry Birds. I’m serious.
So far, the announcement has only included two things: a “Philadelphia Eagle” character you can use in upcoming Angry Birds games and this video of Andy Reid welcoming fat birds and birds that explode to the team. DREAM TEAM.
Hopefully this will send a message to the rest of the NFL — The Philadelphia Eagles are a team to watch in 2012. Either that, or that when you spend all your money on free agents you’ve got to recoup it though iPad game crossovers, so the Miami Dolphins should forget about Ochocinco and try to get some of that sweet, sweet Elf Bowling money. One of those two messages.
The Ten Most Ridiculous Skyrim Bugs and Glitches So Far - I’m still bummed about losing Lydia in that battle with Malkoran. Thanks for teleporting me through the door she can’t unlock, you stupid lightbulb God. I tried waiting forever and fast traveling but she was nowhere to be found, and eventually it told me she got tired of waiting and left. Frown. [Unreality]
This Is Why You Don’t Propose Marriage on National TV, Doofus - Poor guy. You’re supposed to propose beforehand, then stage it to look like a real proposal so you can be on TV. [Warming Glow]
8 Pop Culture Droste Effect GIFS That Will Blow Your Mind - I haven’t been this happy to learn a term since The Venture Bros. taught me “the Valsalva maneuver” [UPROXX]
10 Terrible Pieces of Merchandise Angry Birds is Pushing Its Luck With This Christmas - Remember when South Park was like this, and every store had like TIMMY UMBRELLA CARTMAN INFLATABLE PLUSH CANOE MR. GARRISON BEAN BAG CHAIR FILLED WITH GAK and we thought it’d last forever? [Gamma Squad]
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Poster Is Cool, I Guess - I’m really, really tired of crap like this. I’m more excited for the actual Abraham Lincoln movie. [Film Drunk]
The Most Terrifying Celebrity Faces Of 2011 - Ali Lohan is terrifying. [Buzzfeed]
No One Is Buying Lindsay Lohan Edition Of Playboy - And speaking of Lohans, “she didn’t show enough pussy” is the funniest and worst complaint about Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread. Have you ever SEEN a Playboy? Did you expect a lot of DP shots? [FARK]
Beetles Dressed As ‘Jurassic Park’ Characters Could Be the Weirdest Thing on the Internet - It makes me laugh, it makes me confused AND it makes me want to watch Jurassic Park again. Win win win. [The FW]
We’re Never Going Back. 8 Sh*tty “Lost” Knock-Offs - Nothing better than clues to a mystery that nobody intends to solve, am I right? There’s got to be a happy medium between Lost and Modern Family. [Pajiba]
By way of our friends at Cage Potato comes this video, posted yesterday on the UFC’s YouTube channel, features the UFC 136 opponents going at it in the octagon in a soccer-juggling contest that combines the best of hackey-sack with the best of international personalities doing things we don’t understand. I feel like this would’ve been improved by a remixed soundtrack or by having Jose Aldo put a Hulk Hogan Wrestling Buddy on the corner of the cage and kick it off (or by not letting people hold the cage in round three … what’s up with that?).
If this doesn’t get you excited for Saturday’s pay-per-view event, nothing well. Uh, except fighting, I guess.
1. In a world where Tim Tebow could throw a 100 yard touchdown pass to a great white shark through some combination of video editing and Powerade®, it’s great to see people actually setting up stuffed animals and hitting them with soccer kicks. If this was doctored in any way it would be a waste of time, but as it exists now, it’s … well, still a total waste of time, but a fun one.
2. I’m going to buy a pack of glow sticks and go out raving to that Angry Birds theme remix right now.
3. The video does not involve people making basketball shots from a great distance or getting super, super serious about it on Twitter.
4. When I saw the headline “Soccer players bring Angry Birds to life” on the UPROXX main page this morning I couldn’t grasp how they were going to do it; it was either soccer players in Halloween costumes dog-piling each other and breaking two-by-fours or someone was actually throwing birds at pigs. Thankfully neither of those things happen, even if the video devolves into people kicking balls at a dude in costume and making us listen to them laugh about it.
5. It’s way better than “Soccer players bring Words With Friends to life” video, which is just Europeans playing Scrabble.
If you tell artist David Arrigo what threatening, masculine imagery you want on a goalie mask, he’s going to airbrush it to spec. Say you want a brick wall, because you’re a goalie and nothing gets past you. Done. Say you want the Statue of Liberty, because you play in New York and are a symbol of excellence. Done. Say you’re a kid with no perspective on the world and the coolest, toughest thing you can think of is a primary-colored circle with eyebrows from your iPhone physics app who gets you 5,000 points every time you crush a pig. Uh, done.
That’s exactly what a goaltender for the Toronto Junior Canadiens asked for, and now he’s the proud owner of one of the most talked about (and wanted) goalie masks of the year, whether he ever actually wears it or not. It might end up on a pedestal beside Gordie Howe, for all we know.
“I got an email from the Hockey Hall of Fame this morning, and they want to put it on display,” said Arrigo. “As soon as this kid finds out what’s going on, this thing’s going to end up on eBay. It’s not the first time, I tell you.”
In case you’re wondering if this is a wink wink nudge nudge affair from a self-aware player who loves his hobbies, no. The kid is seven years old, and his dad went to the hockey’s top mask-painter to get his seven-year old something he’s going to abandon in the garage alongside his Beanie Babies in two months.
“He came to me, and it’s funny: His father said he was a big [New Jersey Devils goalie] Martin Brodeur(notes) fan, and maybe that should be on his mask. And the kid’s like, ‘No, no, no … I want ‘Angry Birds!’” said Arrigo of the young goalie, whose name wasn’t released due to his age.
Believe it or not, this is about the 5th least cool video game-themed goalie mask ever. Puck Daddy has a brief retrospective up on some mask designs I’m happy to know exist, like a Dallas Stars goalie who put the Final Fantasy X-2 versions of Yuna and Rikku on his head. I could type a thousand words and they wouldn’t be enough to say how much I love that. I wonder how much Arrigo would charge me to put Ultros and Mr. Chupon on a helmet?